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Fake News

New York City Sights to See During Your Next Emotional Breakdown



When you’re teetering on the brink of yet another news-induced rage stroke, or just a run-of-the-mill emotional spiral, New York City has endless sights and attractions to visit to make yourself feel better. But frankly, making yourself feel better seems like a lot of work. You really want to go have a lovely day finding holistic balance and smiling in Central Park like you’re in some non-gross version of a Woody Allen movie? Of course you don’t, that sounds horrible. You won’t be bullied into the “self-care” craze, because you have literally never chilled. So for those looking to put off general well-being until next week, the following are sights to see when you want to kick back and let your unhinged emotions get in driver’s seat and step on the gas.

Wall Street

What better place to explore one’s own misery (or the universal misery that haunts us all if you’re feeling ambitious) than in the historic site of the 2008 financial crisis? It’s a New York institution filled with dreams, drama, and amphetamines, and simply not to be missed. Your emotional stability is hanging by a thread? Well, so is the Dow Jones Industrial Average, baby!

The Statue of Liberty

It’s a classic for a reason! You have to take a ferry to get there, which is already the most bone-chillingly desperate form of transportation, so you’re way ahead of the game before you even reach your destination. When Lady Liberty finally comes into view, as you gaze upon her majestic figure with your fellow onlookers, you can ragefully whisper, “Why doesn’t anyone get this excited to see me? She’s not even that hot.”

The High Line

On a nice day, do yourself a favor and get some sun. It’s good for you! Almost as good as walking The High Line and being reminded of your myriad inadequacies both in material wealth and physical appearance. It used to be a rail line and now it’s a monument of late capitalism—isn’t that so quaint? In this paradise of “urban ecology,” hide in a bush as an Instagram influencer gets a perfect selfie on one of the spacious lounge chairs next to a man with blindingly white teeth proposing to his equally-but-uniquely stunning boyfriend.

The New York Aquarium

Everyone knows that fish are profoundly sad and deranged, just like you! Take the Q train and get off before Coney Island (you don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea that you’re looking for a good time) to arrive at the aquarium, or “Rikers for Sea Creatures” as the locals call it. Spend a disconcerting afternoon interacting with an array of depressed turtles, homicidal sharks, and penguins who are clearly “working through something.”

The Met Steps

Can’t escape the 24-hour news cycle? Constantly thinking about all of the human rights violations being inflicted domestically and abroad? Why not experience those menacing, racing thoughts in the same spot where they filmed Gossip Girl! As an added bonus, it’s truly an unparalleled setting for one of those I-have-seen-too-much cries usually reserved for the privacy of your shower.

The L Train

A great place to remind yourself that all things are fleeting and that ultimately, white people should not wear dreadlocks. Ride it from Eighth Avenue to Rockaway Parkway and contemplate the impermanence of life before the L shuts down and you have to find a new train on which to be physically surrounded by people named Skylar.

The Brooklyn Bridge

Sometimes, you just need to take a long walk to clear your head. Other times, you need to take a long walk while no fewer than twenty couples take their engagement photos along the way. Among absolutely gorgeous views, you can be reminded of every man, woman, and sentient couch with whom things just didn’t work out. The cardio is incredible.

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