Homepage / Fake News / New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer
CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race

Fake News

New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer

A special unit scours through talent agency headshots to find the person who could portray such a heinous crime.

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Saying they have begun to make significant headway in the case, law enforcement officials told reporters Monday that new evidence in an ongoing murder investigation has allowed them to narrow down the list of actors who could portray the killer in a Hollywood movie.

Until this week, police confirmed, their inquiry into the Jan. 3 homicide of local woman Debra Hambleton, 39, has provided them with few clues as to who might star as her murderer in a dark retelling of the story on screen. But now, a forensic analysis of the derelict cabin in which the victim’s body was found suggests a prolonged, violent struggle, an indication the killer would likely be played by a physically imposing Tom Hardy type, or perhaps someone like Nicolas Cage, whom detectives said they could see “just totally losing it” for the murder scene.

“At the present time, we are looking into eight actors who we believe may have the potential to pull off something like this,” said Sgt. Hank Bouchard of the Doylestown Police Department, who has previously stated that if the killer turns out to be the victim’s boyfriend, he should be played by someone with the simmering tension of Sean Penn, only younger. “From the descriptions given by witnesses, we should be looking for a white male in his late 30s or 40s, which at first made us think Joaquin Phoenix, though something about him just didn’t seem to fit.”

“There was no sign of a break-in,” Bouchard continued, “so it was either someone the deceased trusted or someone who looked trustworthy enough to let inside her home—handsome, with both a kind face, like Matt Damon or Bradley Cooper, but also a tinge of menace in his eyes.”

Additionally, Bouchard noted that composite sketches suggest the murderer is of medium build with prominent cheekbones and a sharp jawline, causing investigators to reassess their initial inclination toward an actor along the lines of Russell Crowe, unless the performer agreed to lose weight for the role.

In an effort to take advantage of the new developments in the case, authorities said they have assembled a special unit that will spend the next few weeks scouring through hours of film footage and talent agency databases in order to find the person who could portray such a heinous crime while also having enough star power to carry a big-budget film adaptation. On Monday, the team reportedly sat in an office surrounded by headshots of Hollywood A-listers and discussed the possibility of a more offbeat casting choice, pinning up photos of Sam Rockwell and Ed Norton on a bulletin board next to an autopsy report and images of Hambleton’s body.

“There is a strong likelihood it will turn out to be an actor who has done this kind of thing before, but we’re not totally discounting the possibility of an up-and-comer,” said Bouchard, explaining that producers wouldn’t have to settle on someone obvious like Christian Bale, who played a serial killer in American Psycho. “This could be a role for a new face, a talent able to evince a deeply unsettling mien who could go on to become his generation’s Willem Dafoe or Christopher Walken.”

“At this point, one thing’s for sure: We’re going to get the sonuvabitch with the range to do this,” he added.

Though Bouchard and his detectives expressed confidence they were on the right track, others have put forward their own theories as to who could be Hambleton’s murderer on screen someday.

“I don’t think he’d be acting alone—the evidence just doesn’t add up,” said Bucks County assistant district attorney Sam Avery, telling reporters he has been putting in 80-hours weeks on the case and believes there were three individuals present at the crime scene, the victim and two perpetrators. “Maybe instead of spending all this time trying to find our man, we should be looking for a pair of co-stars with undeniable chemistry, like Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill.”

The one thing all law enforcement officials seem to agree on is that Hambleton, who was chased through the woods and stabbed 42 times in the chest, bears a strong resemblance to Toni Collette, and if her murderer manages to evade justice for decades, he could perhaps be portrayed in his older years by a Bruce Dern type.

At press time, Bouchard held a press conference to announce that because of new information provided by an anonymous tipster, police have turned their attention to television and made phone calls to see if Jason Sudeikis is available.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish