Homepage / Fake News / Natural Deodorant Didn’t Stop Me From Sweating, But It Did Stop Me From Raising My Kids
Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything The Pilgrims Check In On 2018 America The Essential Infowars Supplements | Points in Case MTA Reveals They Have No Idea Where Voices Speaking To Everyone On Subway Coming From Over The River And Void Of Goods The UK’s Secret Plans for a No-Deal Brexit The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 19, 2018 NBC Unveils On Screen Graphic Informing Audience They Are Watching Football 100 Jars of Salsa How Writers Throughout History have Beaten their Writer’s Block Trump Tweets Second Half of List of 10 Most Boring US Presidents Belle’s Breakup Letter to the Beast What’s that in Rubles? – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times Post Office Privatization Is Not an Option To Debate a Predator I’d Like to Present An Argument Against Funeral Karaoke SatireWorld Celebrates ….’Santa and Machine Guns’ Event This Isn’t An Oversized Carry On, It’s My Emotional Support Luggage Democrat Stacey Abrams Gives Up Georgia Governors Race….But Doesn’t Concede Unhinged Lunatic Using Facebook To Spread Conspiracy Theories Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust ‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby Should Carmelo Anthony Return To His Prime? ‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20 Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase Hate Crimes Continue To Rise Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again Kanye's Social Media Manager A Principal’s Tough Conversation with his Coolest Student Embarrassed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Can Only Afford American Flag Pin With 19 Stars Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99 Single Female Praying Mantis Just Checking Out Online Dating The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Laughing Stock Disgusting Coworker Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom Boyfriend’s Snack 200% Of Woman’s Daily Caloric Intake Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book 5 Things To Know About Matthew Whitaker China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered Facebook Just Filled With Crazy Idiots Now Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life Super Saiyans & Sauron Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management Relaxation Techniques For When You’re Feeling Anxious or Looting a Radio Shack Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse That’s Right, I Made My Super Cool Best Friend Laugh and Now Everyone at School Likes Me Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters Opie Taylor Actually Barney Fife’s Love Child Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene A TV Game Show Marketed Toward Acne Sufferers Hits The Airwaves Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives The Orb in the Woods Kids Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ The Fantastic Bore North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents Mark Wahlberg: New Movie "Basically Sucks" ‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert A Teacher's Assistant of Sorts Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize Unattractive Man Not Fooling Anyone By Dressing Well The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 12, 2018 Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman

Fake News

Natural Deodorant Didn’t Stop Me From Sweating, But It Did Stop Me From Raising My Kids



One day, while browsing the Internet, I came across an article about the benefits of natural deodorant, and boy, did I feel foolish. It turns out that natural deodorant is free of the chemicals regular deodorant possesses, which can decrease your chances of cancer. And there I was, all that time using Old Spice like a senseless buffoon.

The next morning, I ran to CVS and purchased the beginning of my new life: a natural, cancerless deodorant. I took a whiff and let the sweet smell of health fill my nostrils.

I was so excited about my lifestyle change, and couldn’t wait to tell my wife. For years, she had been telling me to work on improving my health, but losing weight takes years, and alcoholism runs in my family (which I’ve told her several times), so when she came home from work that day, I embraced her with a grin I just couldn’t hide.

She pulled away from me immediately, gripping her nose in disgust. She asked if I forgot to put on deodorant that day, to which I explained I had put on deodorant and was lowering my risk of cancer while doing so.

I couldn’t believe the next words out of her mouth. She had the audacity, nay, the nerve to tell me that natural deodorant is a hoax; just another way to scare people into buying useless, expensive deodorant that doesn’t even work.

I left the kitchen, hurt and confused. “She’ll come around,” I thought to myself. “She’ll come around.”

Every day, I woke up and applied my natural deodorant. And every day, my wife complained of my “foul odor.” She even threw the deodorant away. It was like she wanted me to get cancer. I immediately replaced it (with plenty of backups in case she ever tried that stunt again).

Weeks went by, and I started getting fewer hugs from my kids. I blamed it on puberty and their uncontrollable hormones, until my wife reminded me our kids are five and eight.

Before I knew it, the kids wouldn’t let me tuck them in anymore. I couldn’t even read them Good Night Moon. They begged my wife to do it, which was a huge mistake because she doesn’t possess the storytelling talents that I have.

When I picked them up from school, the other kids would laugh and point, calling me “Stinky Steve,” and “Dirty Daddy.” I’ll admit, “Dirty Daddy” had a nice ring to it, but “Stinky Steve” just hurt.

Other parents wouldn’t allow their children to come over for playdates. They told me it was because their kids were allergic to cats, which I would have understood if we had a cat.

Worst of all, I stopped getting invited to the kids’ school events. I loved Jimmy’s mom’s peanut butter cookies, but it didn’t matter anymore; I was exiled from every bake sale for the rest of my life.

One evening, when I was working late, my wife took the kids to her mother’s for dinner. When they didn’t come home that night, I began to worry, until I found a note from my wife telling me that the smell had become too unbearable to continue living with. She told me she was leaving me and taking the kids too.

“She’s kidding,” I thought as I stared out the window. “They’ll be home any minute now. Any minute.”

Three years later, I finally found a new family. I’m proud to announce that I’ve found my home with a pack of wolves.

Living in a society that couldn’t accept my natural lifestyle forced me to leave the life I knew, and take to the woods. Eating raw meat and sleeping in dirt took some getting used to, but after a few days, it started to feel right.

The wolves enjoy my natural, wholesome body odor. They say it helps attract prey. I’m essential to their survival, and it feels good to be needed again.

I haven’t seen my wife or our kids since they left that day, and to be honest, I don’t know if I ever will, but I feel at peace. The pack is my family now… until they decide to turn on me and tear through my flesh.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish