Homepage / Fake News / My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series
Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu

Fake News

My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Monday: Woke up before my alarm today. Was too excited to sleep much – I couldn’t believe Andy Warhol picked me to be his new assistant! I took the train down to his building and they buzzed me up. I found Mr. Warhol in front of a large canvas primed with copper-colored paint laid out on his studio floor. He was staring at it with a curious expression on his face.

Hello, Mr. Warhol. It’s me, George Jankins, your new assistant!” I said to him, trying to hide my excitement.

“Hello, George,” Mr. Warhol replied without looking at me. “Please piss on this canvas.”

Was this how he greeted all his assistants? “I…don’t have to take a piss,” I stammered.

Mr. Warhol turned to me, face contorted with rage. “You can go. Come back tomorrow,” he hissed. “Be ready.”

Mr. Warhol is a true visionary.

Tuesday: I drank two cups of coffee and three cups of orange juice before leaving my house today. If Mr. Warhol wants my piss to help with his art, I’ll be ready! My train was delayed and I was in unimaginable pain the entire time.

I arrived and went up to his studio to find him contemplating the same canvas.

“I’m back, Mr. Warhol,” I squeaked out.

“Hello, George,” Mr. Warhol replied without looking at me. “Please piss on this canvas.”

Without further ado, I unzipped my pants and unloaded all over the copper-colored canvas. Soon the stream began to weaken and Mr. Warhol turned to me, face contorted with rage. “You can go. Come back tomorrow,” he hissed. “Be ready. And eat tuna. Rich in Vitamin B.”

I zipped my pants back up, in awe of Mr. Warhol’s mastery of the visual arts, and left the studio.

Wednesday: After pissing out 6 cups of coffee, 8 cups of orange juice, and a bottle of Gatorade purchased on my walk from the train to the studio, I collapsed to the floor in a state of near catatonia. Mr. Warhol turned to me, face contorted with rage. I believe he is beginning to appreciate how I suffer for his art, the same way he suffers for his, how Beethoven, Van Gogh, Plath all suffered for theirs (I consumed three tuna salad sandwiches last night).

Staggering back up to my feet, I watched as Mr. Warhol pulled down his pants to the ankles and began spraying his own piss over the canvas. It was a sight to behold; a radiant arc emanating forth from a radiant man. I fought back a tear.

As his mighty stream dried up, he gestured to me.

“On my work table. The glass. Bring it here.”

I stumbled over to the table, still dazed from the ecstasy of release, and took the glass of water. I handed it to Mr. Warhol and watched as he lifted it to his lips. No sooner had the first drops entered his throat then the stream began anew, with godlike vigor. He downed the glass of water and pissed it out at the same time, coating the canvas with pure, hot artistic genius.

I am watching history being made.

Thursday: Mr. Warhol and I took turns pissing on the canvas today. He has taught me his secrets, like which vitamins produce the finest colors in piss, or how to drink water and piss it out simultaneously. I am able to drink 8 ounces of water, yet piss 24 ounces out.

Mr. Warhol no longer looks at me with normal rage, but with the rage that a mentor feels towards a valued pupil. Together we are creating art the likes of which the world has never seen. Future scholars will look back upon our collaborations with awe and wonder. I nearly piss myself just thinking about it.

Friday: I dragged myself up the three flights to Mr. Warhol’s studio this morning, bladder engorged to a debilitating degree. It was not entirely unpleasant. I have come to associate this sensation with creativity.

But Mr. Warhol was not in his usual spot. There was no copper-colored canvas, no face contorted with the rage of a virtuoso. The smell of piss? Barely there. It was eerily quiet save for the occasional grunt coming from a mysterious door on the other side of the studio.

Suddenly the door opened and a tall man strode through. He was completely naked and completely erect.

“Are you George Jankins?” he asked me.

“Yes, I am George, Mr. Warhol’s valued assistant and protege,” I answered, unzipping my pants and readying myself to aim.

The man’s face contorted with rage. I began pissing a little bit in a Pavlovian response.

“You can put that away and go,” he said. “I am Mr. Warhol’s new assistant. We are creating art with semen. We are coming all over the canvas in the other room. You can’t go in. It’s really something.”

My stream stopped. Could it be? After all that Mr. Warhol and I shared, after the skills and life lessons he had taught me, had he really cast me aside for another bodily fluid?

“I see,” I said sadly. I zipped my pants back up and asked the naked man for directions to the restroom. All that piss, all that art that could have been, gone down the drain.

Genius works in mysterious ways, I guess. I will forever cherish the wisdom Mr. Warhol has imparted to me, even though my bladder has grown to the size of a burlap sack and protrudes worrisomely from my body.

Tomorrow I’m gonna throw my poop at a wall.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.