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My Secret Diary: Confessions of a West Los Angeles Boy

March 2019 — Today, I’m grateful.

I just ordered this diary off Amazon Prime, so this is my first entry.

Actually, I’m going to call this a “journal” instead, because it sounds more masculine, even though I don’t subscribe to traditional notions of gender… I mean, I went all the way downtown for the Women’s March in my “Feminist AF” men’s tee.

Anyways, I’m 25 and I live on the Westside of LA, which is basically the pantheon of creativity. Elon Musk is totally my spirit animal! I enjoy things like contemplating the meaning of our existence and intellectual discussions about parallel universes. I’m also an actor and musician, working on “big things” right now! When I’m not manifesting my dreams, I like to pass time by way of “Netflix and Chill,” searching for the best tacos, or learning about evolutionary psychology through TED Talks. I’m kind of nerdy if you haven’t figured it out ;).

Every morning, I wake up and eat a motivational quote for breakfast sprinkled with positive-flavored hemp seeds. Yesterday, my superfood Alpha-Bits cereal spelled out the words, “exhaust yourself with living,” and I thought, wow, that’s deep.

I thought about it throughout my entire yoga practice, which was annoying, because the person next to me was sequencing through the poses faster than I was, which really threw off my mojo, not that I’m competitive or anything… but also, my Mala beaded necklace that I got at the farmer’s market was getting caught in my mesh shirt, so it was interrupting my flow. I love that necklace: the beads are made in China, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were manufactured at a Buddhist monastery in Tibet. I wear my Mala all the time, with everything—even with my old college t-shirts (FSU represent!!)—except I take it off when I’m having sex, because that would be impure. Anyways, next time I’ll just do my practice shirtless.

Have you heard about that book, The Secret? I teach a weekend seminar on it to help white men get everything they want in life. It’s outrageously priced, which is how I make rent money, but I give a discount to Leos, because Leos are loyal. I’m saving up for an Om tattoo.

So, I went on a date last week with an Indian dental assistant that I met on Bumble. She had nice teeth but didn’t understand anything. I was telling her how I wanted to learn Sanskrit, and she kept mispronouncing it “sun-skrith.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her, so I just kept quiet. In the middle of the date, I asked her why she thought we were there. She looked kind of confused and said that she liked the bar, so she chose it for our date. And I was like, “no, I meant in a metaphysical sense. Like why do you think we’re here, right now?” She got all giggly but then answered “human connection,” which was actually pretty profound. So, maybe she’s alright.

Damn, I just let one rip. My bowel movements could not be more on point these days. The other day, my shit was shaped like an actual kale leaf. It was probably the quinoa salad with dried bark and bone broth that I ate out of an avocado shell.

Did I mention I have an EP on the way? I self-produced everything, because I’m the shit. I’m also writing a script about some guys I used to work with at a Verizon store. Everyone who worked there was also trying to do “big things,” but in criminal justice. Have you ever noticed how there’s a direct correlation between people who major in criminal justice studies and people who work in telecommunication stores?

Anyways, I have to go. I took a CrossFit class this morning and then hiked up to the Hollywood Sign and back with my rescue husky/shepherd mix, Blu. (I intentionally left off the “e.”) So, tonight I’m going to reward myself and hit up “The Life” in Venice Beach—it’s a very popular lounge (not into clubs) where I can indulge in beer, cigarettes, positive vibes, and general debauchery. They play dope EDM on the back patio, and lots of blonde girls in tight dresses go there. There’s usually a huge line, but my boy bartends there, so I’ll be straight.

Okay, my Uber Pool is here. Peace!!   

— Tanner

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