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Fake News

My Resolutions for You in 2019


Roz Warren, My Resolutions for You in 2019

Every year I make New Year’s resolutions and every year I break them. So this year, I’m trying something different – resolutions for other people.

Hey world – here are the changes I’d like to see YOU make in 2019.

If you didn’t vote? Stop complaining about election results.

Supermarket shoppers attempting to sneak a full cart through the 10-items-or-less lane? Maybe 2019 can be the year you learn to count.

Drivers? Your car is equipped with turn signals for a reason. Use them.

Waiters! Please don’t ask, “Are you done working on that?” Dining out, for me, isn’t work. It’s fun. But it’s a lot less fun when you come at me with that question. (And don’t whisk away my plate a nanosecond after I finish, especially if my companion is still eating.)

Cell phone owners? No more blathering on your phone in public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.

Dog walkers who can’t be bothered to pick up your pooch’s poop? Don’t make me follow you down the block yelling, “Hey! Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Magazines: Stop running articles about people losing weight and people gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.

Home owners with leaf blowers? Instead of producing toxic noise pollution, why not get a rake and get some exercise?

Don’t text while driving. Trust me – there’s nothing you have to say that can’t wait until you’ve stopped the car.

Anyone who responds to “Thank you!” with “No problem?” I don’t care if it’s a problem or not. The only correct response is “You’re welcome.”

Do you constantly sniff and snuffle and snort instead of blowing your nose? Do the world a favor in 2019 and learn to use Kleenex.

People who hug too much? Back off. I don’t want to dance with you. I just want to say hello.

Do you chew with your mouth open? Close your pie hole. Do you slurp your soup? Quiet down. (Or I’ll be tempted to fling a fork at you.)

Turn off your phone in the theatre. If you can’t spend two hours without feeling compelled to shop for cat food, check your email, or see if anyone has responded to your latest Tweet, maybe you should just stay home. (Or better yet, seek therapy.)

Children who have grown up and are no longer living at home? Phone your mom right now and tell her you love her. (It’s the very least you can do, and it’ll make her day.)

Library patrons who returned a book late but want to weasel out of paying the fine? Shut your mouth and open your wallet. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.

And guys? Can we make 2019 the year the toilet seat finally stays down?

BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2019!

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.)

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