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Fake News

My Name is Connie, But You Know Me as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree



I was living a quiet life upstate with a few thousand of my closet relatives and then, bam! Just like that I was discovered by the scouts, plucked from obscurity, taken to New York City, and dressed up in 50,000 LED lights. It’s true that there was a branch of the family tree that did some modeling once, so it’s not like we don’t have roots in show business. I guess the apple doesn’t fall from the—well, you know. But it’s really an honor. I’m so #blessed.

As for how I manage to stay chill under the pressure of being THE Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, I just try to absorb as much water as I can. Everyone says city water is the best, but between you and me, if I can’t get it from a fresh rainfall, I insist on bottled. I’m not a diva, I just have sensitivities to some of the chemicals in tap water. I need my sap to be organic. As for exercise, it’s not easy when you have to stay in one place, but I manage to sneak in a few pushups, sit-ups, and planks. Every bit counts.

The star I’m wearing is a Swarovski Star and it was designed by a world-famous architect who’s practically synonymous with New York City. This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I lived upstate, I really didn’t know how to dress at all. I just hung out in the woods all day with nothing on. I know, that makes me sound like a backwoods hippie. OK, I admit, I do brew my own kombucha sometimes!

I like to think I’ve adapted pretty well to life here at Rockefeller Center. Do I worry about the stresses of being a big New York City tree? Sure I do. I have to pay attention now to what I look like on a pedestal above an ice-skating rink. It is a lot of pressure at times. But it’s all worth it when I bring a smile to someone’s face—and when people tag me in their Instagram posts (#rockefellerchristmastree has 25,000 posts and counting). In my branch of the woods upstate, there were no paparazzi. Now, people are just dying to be seen with me, and they want to know everything about me (my closest friends call me Connie; my full name is Conifer).

Please, try to get my good angle—it’s my left side. I know being photographed from below the base is not usually the most flattering, but the average person is only 5 or 6 feet tall, and I’m 72 feet tall. I weigh 24,000 pounds—it’s not an unhealthy weight. I have a little junk in my trunk, and I’m ok with that. I also have no problem telling people I’m 75 years old (just count my rings if you don’t believe me).

What’s my favorite thing about New York? It’s just the vibe, I’d say. There’s so much energy and excitement. And the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, that’s classic New York City. Would I have saplings? Who knows! I’m not ruling anything out. Did you know that pine trees have both male and female cones? It’s true! We’re the original pansexuals.

Sure, I have been called dense in the press, but I just try to let it roll right off my branches. I’m really very down-to-earth. The other day, I got a street vendor hot dog! And even though it had a human hair on it, I ate every bite (please don’t tell my publicist, he thinks I’m vegan! I am, mostly, but every now and then I have a cheat day).

What’s next for me? I’ll probably make some product endorsements—maybe for recycled paper towels (gotta save some trees). I might have a guest spot co-anchoring a certain news morning show. And then, I’m planning to do some charity work. That’s right. I’m going to turn myself into lumber for building houses for the homeless. That should make me a shoo-in for the lead role in the new biopic on The Giving Tree that’s rumored to start filming soon. And now, it’s time for me to make like a tree and—actually, I’m not going anywhere. I’m contractually obligated to stick around until January. I’m just going to spruce up a little and get back to work.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




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