Homepage / Fake News / My Name is Connie, But You Know Me as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

My Name is Connie, But You Know Me as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

I was living a quiet life upstate with a few thousand of my closet relatives and then, bam! Just like that I was discovered by the scouts, plucked from obscurity, taken to New York City, and dressed up in 50,000 LED lights. It’s true that there was a branch of the family tree that did some modeling once, so it’s not like we don’t have roots in show business. I guess the apple doesn’t fall from the—well, you know. But it’s really an honor. I’m so #blessed.

As for how I manage to stay chill under the pressure of being THE Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, I just try to absorb as much water as I can. Everyone says city water is the best, but between you and me, if I can’t get it from a fresh rainfall, I insist on bottled. I’m not a diva, I just have sensitivities to some of the chemicals in tap water. I need my sap to be organic. As for exercise, it’s not easy when you have to stay in one place, but I manage to sneak in a few pushups, sit-ups, and planks. Every bit counts.

The star I’m wearing is a Swarovski Star and it was designed by a world-famous architect who’s practically synonymous with New York City. This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I lived upstate, I really didn’t know how to dress at all. I just hung out in the woods all day with nothing on. I know, that makes me sound like a backwoods hippie. OK, I admit, I do brew my own kombucha sometimes!

I like to think I’ve adapted pretty well to life here at Rockefeller Center. Do I worry about the stresses of being a big New York City tree? Sure I do. I have to pay attention now to what I look like on a pedestal above an ice-skating rink. It is a lot of pressure at times. But it’s all worth it when I bring a smile to someone’s face—and when people tag me in their Instagram posts (#rockefellerchristmastree has 25,000 posts and counting). In my branch of the woods upstate, there were no paparazzi. Now, people are just dying to be seen with me, and they want to know everything about me (my closest friends call me Connie; my full name is Conifer).

Please, try to get my good angle—it’s my left side. I know being photographed from below the base is not usually the most flattering, but the average person is only 5 or 6 feet tall, and I’m 72 feet tall. I weigh 24,000 pounds—it’s not an unhealthy weight. I have a little junk in my trunk, and I’m ok with that. I also have no problem telling people I’m 75 years old (just count my rings if you don’t believe me).

What’s my favorite thing about New York? It’s just the vibe, I’d say. There’s so much energy and excitement. And the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, that’s classic New York City. Would I have saplings? Who knows! I’m not ruling anything out. Did you know that pine trees have both male and female cones? It’s true! We’re the original pansexuals.

Sure, I have been called dense in the press, but I just try to let it roll right off my branches. I’m really very down-to-earth. The other day, I got a street vendor hot dog! And even though it had a human hair on it, I ate every bite (please don’t tell my publicist, he thinks I’m vegan! I am, mostly, but every now and then I have a cheat day).

What’s next for me? I’ll probably make some product endorsements—maybe for recycled paper towels (gotta save some trees). I might have a guest spot co-anchoring a certain news morning show. And then, I’m planning to do some charity work. That’s right. I’m going to turn myself into lumber for building houses for the homeless. That should make me a shoo-in for the lead role in the new biopic on The Giving Tree that’s rumored to start filming soon. And now, it’s time for me to make like a tree and—actually, I’m not going anywhere. I’m contractually obligated to stick around until January. I’m just going to spruce up a little and get back to work.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.