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My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me

Hurry up and sit down. The red carpet is the best part. Do you have any champagne? That cheap stuff you buy is too sweet for me. I’ll take a glass of white instead.

Wow, Amy Adams’ dress is gorgeous. I used to be able to carry off a dress like that. Maybe I still could with the right undergarments. Your style is plainer, which is probably better in the long run. She’s a beautiful woman but she should go shorter with her hair. Your hair could use a trim. Long hair is slimming but yours just hangs there. When’s the last time you went to a real salon? I’ll pay for it. It’ll be my gift to you since I never got you anything for your birthday last week.

Oh my God, Lady Gaga, what a beauty she turned out to be! Look at the way Bradley Cooper stares at her. It’s obvious he’s in love with her. Wonder if his girlfriend knows. Stuart used to look at you that same way. Okay, maybe he wasn’t Mr. Handsome or Mr. Personality, but those things become less important as you get older. Have you spoken to him lately? We could be watching the Oscars on his 82” flat screen right now.

I don’t particularly care for Seacrest. I miss Joan. They killed her when she refused to be controlled by Hollywood. Not literally, but her career I’m talking about.

Check out the size of Lady Gaga’s ring! They say “Big rock, small c—,” well, I don’t have to finish the rest. Is there more wine? Oh, here comes Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role in his sleep.

I was just thinking back to Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were the big stars and everyone was saying, “Bradley who?” My, how the tables have turned. Your tables can turn too.

Does this popcorn have butter? Don’t give me that look. It’s about health. High cholesterol runs in our family. You can thank your father for that. No one told me to check if his mother had heart disease when we were dating. A single man who made a nice living? That was enough for me.

There’s the guy from Aquaman. I pity the maid who has to clean the hair from the drain in his hotel room. When I was in college, if I saw a man like that walking down the street, I’d cross to the other side. Funny how tastes change.

I don’t know these black actors coming in now, but wow, they look great. What’s the guy with the funny name? Your father’s been watching him on that HBO show, CSI Ozarks or something? Ever since President Obama, black men have become something of a sex symbol in society, am I right? Perhaps you should consider dating a black man. You’re not having much luck with the white ones.

Ooh, Melissa McCarthy! Such confidence. The difference between her and you is she doesn’t let a few extra pounds stand in her way. You could learn a lot by watching how Melissa carries herself.

Did you know most Academy members don’t even bother watching the movies? They vote for their friends. It’s like when you lost the election for 6th grade Student Council President. You were more qualified, but Jaime was more popular. Everyone has their own strengths, I guess.

Now they’re talking about the Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary. It’s not too late for you to go to law school. Have a real career. No one in that office appreciates you. You have so much talent, I just wish you’d do something with it.

Why are you upset? You know, if they gave out Oscars for real life you’d win for Best Actress in a heartbeat. The range of emotion you’ve just displayed in the last ten minutes is really something. Happy to sullen to angry? A real Meryl Streep you’ve become. Shush, it’s starting! By the way, Carol told me her daughter hasn’t spoken to her in over a year. I want you to know that if you ever stopped talking to me, I’d stick my head in the oven. One day you’ll understand when you have a daughter of your own, God willing.

Will you look at those breathtaking gowns!

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