Homepage / Fake News / My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time Experts Warn Prosecuting Assange Creates Slippery Slope To Where We Already Are Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron Kid About To Meet Brooklyn Nets Must Not Be Very Sick Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO Frustrated Writer Tosses Another Crumpled-Up Laptop In Trash Can Grindr Profile Picture Day My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater 5 Things To Know About BTS Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve Missing Boy Returns 8 Years Later as Black Woman NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes Astronomer Apologizes For Leaving Cherry Lifesaver On Telescope Lens Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ 5 Biggest Unanswered Questions For ‘Game Of Thrones’ Final Season

Fake News

My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me


Hurry up and sit down. The red carpet is the best part. Do you have any champagne? That cheap stuff you buy is too sweet for me. I’ll take a glass of white instead.

Wow, Amy Adams’ dress is gorgeous. I used to be able to carry off a dress like that. Maybe I still could with the right undergarments. Your style is plainer, which is probably better in the long run. She’s a beautiful woman but she should go shorter with her hair. Your hair could use a trim. Long hair is slimming but yours just hangs there. When’s the last time you went to a real salon? I’ll pay for it. It’ll be my gift to you since I never got you anything for your birthday last week.

Oh my God, Lady Gaga, what a beauty she turned out to be! Look at the way Bradley Cooper stares at her. It’s obvious he’s in love with her. Wonder if his girlfriend knows. Stuart used to look at you that same way. Okay, maybe he wasn’t Mr. Handsome or Mr. Personality, but those things become less important as you get older. Have you spoken to him lately? We could be watching the Oscars on his 82” flat screen right now.

I don’t particularly care for Seacrest. I miss Joan. They killed her when she refused to be controlled by Hollywood. Not literally, but her career I’m talking about.

Check out the size of Lady Gaga’s ring! They say “Big rock, small c—,” well, I don’t have to finish the rest. Is there more wine? Oh, here comes Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role in his sleep.

I was just thinking back to Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were the big stars and everyone was saying, “Bradley who?” My, how the tables have turned. Your tables can turn too.

Does this popcorn have butter? Don’t give me that look. It’s about health. High cholesterol runs in our family. You can thank your father for that. No one told me to check if his mother had heart disease when we were dating. A single man who made a nice living? That was enough for me.

There’s the guy from Aquaman. I pity the maid who has to clean the hair from the drain in his hotel room. When I was in college, if I saw a man like that walking down the street, I’d cross to the other side. Funny how tastes change.

I don’t know these black actors coming in now, but wow, they look great. What’s the guy with the funny name? Your father’s been watching him on that HBO show, CSI Ozarks or something? Ever since President Obama, black men have become something of a sex symbol in society, am I right? Perhaps you should consider dating a black man. You’re not having much luck with the white ones.

Ooh, Melissa McCarthy! Such confidence. The difference between her and you is she doesn’t let a few extra pounds stand in her way. You could learn a lot by watching how Melissa carries herself.

Did you know most Academy members don’t even bother watching the movies? They vote for their friends. It’s like when you lost the election for 6th grade Student Council President. You were more qualified, but Jaime was more popular. Everyone has their own strengths, I guess.

Now they’re talking about the Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary. It’s not too late for you to go to law school. Have a real career. No one in that office appreciates you. You have so much talent, I just wish you’d do something with it.

Why are you upset? You know, if they gave out Oscars for real life you’d win for Best Actress in a heartbeat. The range of emotion you’ve just displayed in the last ten minutes is really something. Happy to sullen to angry? A real Meryl Streep you’ve become. Shush, it’s starting! By the way, Carol told me her daughter hasn’t spoken to her in over a year. I want you to know that if you ever stopped talking to me, I’d stick my head in the oven. One day you’ll understand when you have a daughter of your own, God willing.

Will you look at those breathtaking gowns!

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish