Homepage / Fake News / My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery
Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time Experts Warn Prosecuting Assange Creates Slippery Slope To Where We Already Are Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron Kid About To Meet Brooklyn Nets Must Not Be Very Sick Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO Frustrated Writer Tosses Another Crumpled-Up Laptop In Trash Can Grindr Profile Picture Day My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater 5 Things To Know About BTS Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve Missing Boy Returns 8 Years Later as Black Woman NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes Astronomer Apologizes For Leaving Cherry Lifesaver On Telescope Lens Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ 5 Biggest Unanswered Questions For ‘Game Of Thrones’ Final Season

Fake News

My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery

Healthcare has been a big topic of political conversation recently, and with politicians in Congress fighting over how to proceed, a lot of us average Americans are left to wonder how we’re going to afford to pay these rising medical costs. That’s why my health plan now includes being buried in the ancient pet cemetery behind my house.

I know some of you may be wondering how a desecrated plot of land containing the bones of furry companions can possibly act as a check on one’s health, and to be honest, I was skeptical too. But after our cat was tragically killed by a speeding car, leaving only a cold sack of fur and shattered bone, my daughter buried the remains of the creature in the corrupted ground behind our home. Three days later he rose from his resting place, fit as a fiddle. Well, he still had some bumps and bruises, and he smelled like a spoiled ham sandwich and was definitely more ill-tempered, but to be fair he was always kind of a jerk.

Before you ask, I wouldn’t technically be buried within the pet cemetery itself. The expired husks of myself and loved ones would likely be briefly interred toward the back of the cemetery, where the grounds meet the woods, presumably haunted by a gigantic night creature that the locals once worshipped as a god. Our elderly neighbor has informed me that the “sour ground” in that part of the forest is the result of ancient eldritch horrors and ethnically-motivated atrocities which results in the dead being returned to life, but in these days of economic uncertainty, you have to play the cards you’re dealt.

Listen, I get it. I was unsettled by the graveyard when I first entered. The rusted rod-iron fence surrounding the area is unpleasant to look at and the toys and wicker animal masks marking the graves are nightmarish, but not half as nightmarish as watching a loved one turned down for health insurance because of a pre-existing condition. Then having to see them struggle against a treatable illness, while you have to call in sick to care for them, possibly losing your job and winding up in dire financial straights.

Some of you are probably horrified by this “alternate insurance plan”. And truth be told, I was uneasy about it as well. The thought of my wife or daughter climbing out of an early grave and scrabbling toward our home, stained in blood and earth is unthinkable. Their milky eyes, staring at me, unblinking for some answer as to “why?” Both of their faces stretched into rictus death-masks forever changed from breaching that dark veil that separates life and death. It keeps me up at night but so does paying $300 dollars for weekly asthma medication, after insurance.

I suppose we could do a GoFundMe, but I hate asking people for money since my wife and I both work full time. I mean, we should be able to afford to pay for any medical bills. We’re middle-class, right? Although, I have to admit that even with dual incomes, it can sometimes be difficult to make ends meet. Most Americans are one paycheck away from ruin and not every citizen has the advantage of having a cursed necropolis located so close to their home. So while the idea of coming back from the great beyond filled with malice and decay is unfortunate, having to listen to yet another millionaire politician on TV honk off about how affordable healthcare is socialism, while my daughter is having an asthma attack is too much to bear.

So until this country decides how it’s going to make healthcare more affordable for working Americans, I suppose I’ll just have to rely on the terrifying burial ground behind my house, haunted by the sobs of grieving children and the persistent wailing of the damned. Or maybe I can try to pick up some more shifts at Staples.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.