Homepage / Fake News / My Daily Skincare Routine, Post-Nuclear Holocaust
I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die Dating By Invitation Only GPS Lite: The Navigation System That Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going Must Really Suck Being A Democrat These Days Help! I’m the Cialis Guy and I’m Trapped in an Eli Roth Film Fourth Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content The Swimsuit Issue L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father Michigan GOP Passes Legislation Rerouting Flint Drinking Water To Governor’s Mansion For Incoming Democrat Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like Should The NFL Be Doing More To Prevent Female Concussions? How To Get A GoFundMe Insurance Plan NRCC Emails Stolen During Major 2018 Election Hack My Boyfriend Gave Me Cheetos For My Birthday (Love Advice)

Fake News

My Daily Skincare Routine, Post-Nuclear Holocaust

Pre-apocalypse, I didn’t pay much attention to skin care. Looking back on those times is tough, given Brooklyn is a smoldering hellscape and all my close friends are feral mutants. But thinking of the damage I did to my skin? That’s even harder. I’ve become completely obsessed with my complexion because it’s the one thing I’m able to control now that the world is effectively over. Needless to say, I’m super excited to share my 24-hour skincare routine with anyone left out there on this rapidly irradiated rock!

Morning (We’re not sure what time of day it is because of nuclear winter)

I wake up to the sound of vultures cawing in the distance. Somehow, only the worst species survived. Golden retrievers? All gone. Vultures? Rapidly multiplying.

First things first: one of the men in my roaming gang makes a root broth that tastes kind of like coffee. It works just as well, laxatively speaking.

We’re camped out in an abandoned elementary school at the moment, so I grope my way to the boys’ bathroom on the second floor (both girls’ bathrooms were bombed out). Luckily, there’s plenty of mirror space to help me work my magic.

We don’t shower anymore, but that’s not as bad as it sounds because all our noses were severely singed in the firestorms. We can’t smell! I work extra hard to appear clean since several of us do still have eyes. Not gonna lie, my pores are pretty consistently clogged thanks to all the chunky ashy residue in the air. Luckily, I stumbled over industrial-sized jugs of Purell in the school nurse’s office as we cleared the place of hostiles. Obviously, clean water is a limited resource, so my no-water-required cleansing solution is a great find. Trying to remember what currency looks like, I massage a dime-sized drop of Purell into my face, enjoying the tingle. There’s so little left to enjoy. Thank God for tingles.

Next up: anti-aging.

The stress of surviving nuclear war has done a number on my collagen. After the first detonations, the United Nations dropped a bunch of shit over the dead zones. We got a package with enough Vitamin A supplements to fortify an army, but since our army was dead, I called dibs. Every morning, I open a Vitamin A capsule, mix it with some saliva, and slather it in my crevices. I follow this with a light moisturizer. Prior to the war, coconut oil, castor oil, and olive oil were beauty bloggers’ holy grail. Now, I make do with petroleum oil. Thanks to the Continental Slick, an oil spill that spreads from the Hudson to the Mississippi, I have plenty of opportunity to fill up. Petroleum is a little greasy, and I imagine the scent leaves something to be desired (God I miss Jo Malone. We haven’t heard news of Britain since the siege), but it does the trick.

Lastly, I don’t have to worry about sun protection because we are not even sure the sun exists anymore.

Since I don’t go into an office now, I’ve toned my makeup routine way, way down. Probably a good thing, because the blasts octupled the amount of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere, raising the average temperature by something like 27 degrees. A face full of melting makeup is not a good look on anyone.

I begin with brows. My brows were already super sparse before The Event because I overplucked in middle school. Sadly, my brows are even more sparse now, given we’ve all lost hair in clumps. But, when all the guys in my gang decided to give each other tattoos to commemorate our 100th night of survival, I took drastic action. Instead of getting the de rigueur mushroom cloud on the bicep, I had Bonecrusher, our leader, microbrade some brows with his Bowie knife. My arches have never looked better.

As for eyes, at this point my under eye circles are so pronounced and so dark, there’s no way to hide them. Instead, I rub a bit of ash over the rest of my face to even out the purple-greyness of my complexion. It’s fine. Lashes are another story. We all have that one “thing” we’re jonesing for more than anything. Bonecrusher has a weird obsession with Diet Sunkist—if we roll up to an abandoned grocery store, any Diet Sunkist is automatically his. For me, it’s false eyelashes. The boys know those are mine. So far I haven’t had any luck, but maybe one of these days!

For highlighter, I use an old standby. I still have my NARS The Multiple stick in G-Spot. When this runs out I will end my life.


Ready for the “day”, I muster through my activities. On a given “day,” I’m normally gathering berries or bugs for our meals, standing watch over the school to make sure no stronger roaming gang tries to claim our turf, or I’m playing a mind game I invented where I try to remember the exact layout of my old Instagram grid.

Normally I’ll apply petroleum a few times through the “day” to keep everything well-oiled.


We no longer go out, so I don’t worry so much about my nighttime look. Rest in peace, contouring. But lately, I’ve been getting vibes from Bonecrusher, so this may change. It’s kind of sexy to think about repopulating the earth with a man who treats Diet Sunkist so well.

One rule that’s followed me through all the trials and tribulations? Never go to bed with your makeup on. Before I attempt sleep, I take it all off. Thank God for Purell and that refreshing tingle. It stings my eyes, but nothing feels worse than the realization that I’ll never be able to go into a CVS and buy a bottle of Cetaphil ever again. Nothing in this world of constant death and despair hurts worse than that.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.