Homepage / Fake News / My Car Keys are Missing, and I Blame Hillary’s Emails
I Won’t Eat Caribou Unless It’s Slaughtered By at Least a Somewhat Automatic Weapon 4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat How H&R Cockblock Saved My Taxes and Stole My Woman Opinion: Less Guns Means More Mass Killing by Cutlery Offering ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Just Don’t Fly No More: Hot Air Always Dissipates Trump Renews Call to Promote Mentally Ill A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe Someone Broke Into Our Hulu Account An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled for next Games FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting The Self-Applauding President… but Will He Go Blind? Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun What It's Like Being An Adult Getting a Credit Card For the First Time Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War The 6 Stages of Watching an Olympic Sport Episode 3: Calloway Day If Movies Had Honest Titles (February 2018 Edition) Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling @TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President In Exclusive Interview “World’s Most Interesting Man” Endorses SatireWorld New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam I Used A Robot To Write A Comic And It Got Very Weird The Cherry Pickers | HumorFeed New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement Long-term couple say Valentine’s Day was ‘nothing special’ But I’m Oppressed! (SPOILER: No You’re Not!) (2/4) Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant Bad Polling Is Ruining Everything Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military Stop Telling Kids How Easy They Have It White House Compare Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?” 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub Funniest Poker Moments – Humor Times, Humor Times ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens The South is Rising Again ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies The Cherry Pickers – Will Durst, Humor Times Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche What All 17 Year Olds Who Aren’t Winning Olympic Golds Are Doing Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community Emily & Murph Wrote A Book About Relationships, Love, and Other Junk Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline Rand Paul Beaten by Other Neighbor The Sunny Side Of The Street Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program (satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts……..according to Nopes! #144 White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers There Is No P.F. Chang’s In PyeongChang | Adobo Chronicles Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day Ra Wins Westminster God Show Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 13, 2018 You're All a Bunch of Phone Zombies Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Essentials Please Reconsider Me for the Role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1” Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased Report: Whoa, Last Person On Treadmill Ran 8 Miles Olympic Drug Testing Official Left Horribly Disfigured After Coming Into Contact With Russian Urine Living On Campus vs. Living Off Campus Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet Woody Allen’s Greatest Victims: Guys Who Can No Longer Say “Annie Hall” Is Their Favorite Romantic Comedy Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump Throckmorton P. Trudblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column” | You make the news…We report it!

Fake News

My Car Keys are Missing, and I Blame Hillary’s Emails

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
Arrow
Arrow
PlayPause
Slider



Because I have the world’s best memory (everybody says so!), I never, ever lose my car keys. It just doesn’t happen. Period.

This morning, though, I woke up and couldn’t find them anywhere.

There’s only one logical explanation: Hilary Clinton.

Now, I know that Hilary is not the president. She’s a 60-something-year-old grandmother and a private citizen, and I’ve personally never met her before. But I watch the #real news, and I know how things are in the #real world. And I can say, without a shred of doubt, that all my answers will be found in Crooked Hillary’s missing emails.

Hillary Clinton personally hates me because I have an American flag outside my house.

I mean, if she can manage a preteen sex trafficking ring from the back of a New York pizza parlor, what’s to stop her from sending her SJWs into my house and stealing the keys to my 2004 Honda Civic? After all, she probably hates that I drive an all-American car like a Honda, because she wants the domestic auto industry to fail since she hates America. That’s why she ran for president anyway, right? To take the country down and send all our fracking overseas.

In short, we know that Hillary is capable of stealing my car keys, especially in light of the revelations that she single-handedly sold nuclear weapons to the Russians in order for them to make everyone think she won the popular vote even though she didn’t. Basically, nothing is too despicable for Crooked Hillary.

The question, then, becomes why? Why would this monster of a human being have her cronies sneak into my house and steal my car keys?

Well, it’s the same reason why she undermined the healthcare bill: because I’m a religious, high-school-educated citizen, and she hates me. That’s it.

Hillary Clinton personally hates me because I have an American flag outside my house and I invite my neighbors over for barbecues every Sunday, which is the Lord’s day, thank you very much.

Thankfully, we now have a real everyman as president, a man of the people. If anyone can help me get my car keys back from Crooked Hillary, it’s Trump. That is, if all the libtards don’t keep getting in his way. Everyone is so busy tearing down statues of Confederate war heroes and recalling all our lawfully purchased tommy guns that our kindhearted, tell-it-like-it-is president can’t get anything done.

Still, though, I have faith that POTUS will triumph over the all-powerful Hillary and bring my keys back from the grave. Because I really need to drive to the unemployment office now, and…

Oh. Nevermind. Just found my keys. Right next to my uranium pile.




Source link