Homepage / Fake News / My 2019 Resolutions According to Things Men Said to Me in 2018
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

My 2019 Resolutions According to Things Men Said to Me in 2018

“Actually, that’s not quite right…”

At first, I ignored the interruptions of the man behind me in line at Chipotle, who was so kind as to inform my friend that her analysis of wealth and power in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice was all wrong. Despite the fact that she is getting her PhD in 18th century British literature from Columbia and he works the graveyard shift at Walgreens, Kurt is undoubtedly more qualified to speak on the subject.

To properly address my problem with men inserting themselves into conversations they aren’t part of in random public places, I will spend 2019 doing my best to soothe these fragile (mostly white) male egos by wearing a large white t-shirt with the words “What a great point to make” printed on it in all caps. I will be wearing this shirt at all times, even to bed. Never again will a strange man in Target at midnight on a Tuesday feel that his opinions on what laundry detergent I buy aren’t equally valued. Thanks, Kurt!

“Just calm down”

Sure, I had just found out that my car had been towed and I was three days into a juice cleanse to clean out my toxins, but my Uber driver Kevin was definitely correct when he told me that I just needed to calm down. I had only known him for three minutes, but he knew my situation and emotions better than I could have ever known them myself. At the end of our ride, he informed me that he was giving me a 3-star rating for getting tears on his plastic seat coverings. Very fair if you ask me. I gave him 5-stars and an $8 tip.

To address my Uber hysteria, I have implemented a strict regimen of meditating, cucumber eye-masks, and screaming into a pillow during my morning routine. This will ensure that I never have another disruptive outburst in the back of an Uber, Lyft, Via, taxi, bus, horse, etc. Thanks for the unsolicited but totally necessary and warranted spiritual guidance, Kevin!

“You should smile more”

I’m honestly so grateful that this was pointed out to me by male colleagues, classmates, and complete strangers exactly 947 times in 2018. How else would I have known that I don’t smile enough? It’s hard trying to tailor your appearance to fit the specific standards required by Ed from the Whole Foods produce aisle.

To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile. Once I smile enough at work that my boss finally promotes me, I will have enough money get the surgery required to make my toothy grin permanent. Thanks, Ed from Whole Foods.

“Are you really going to eat all that?”

Yes, and so much more. At first, I was annoyed when Fred, my waiter at Chili’s asked me this question after I ordered a salad, a pasta entree, and two pieces of apple pie alone on a Thursday night. But now, I realize he was just doing his job and looking out for my well-being (life hack: don’t order pasta at Chili’s). My initial reaction to Fred’s comment was annoyance, but I quickly gained a new level of appreciation for how helpful and attentive the waitstaff at this specific Chili’s establishment was. On my way out, a busboy went out of his way to comment that I should do more squats at the gym as he bent over to pick up an angel hair that had escaped my fork. I left a 45% tip and went on my way.

To incorporate Fred’s suggestion into my daily life, I now only order a Caesar salad when I go out to eat, like most normal women. I also do 400 squats at the gym twice a day, and my quads are 54 inches wide. Thanks, Fred!

“Is that what you’re going to wear?”

A kind gentleman by the name of Mr. Grossman (he introduced himself after I told him to fuck off), asked me if I was really going to wear the size 6 skirt I was attempting to shimmy myself into over my jeans. I asked him why he was in the women’s section of the Peoria, Illinois TJ Maxx at 9:30 on a Tuesday night. He said he was looking for a birthday present for his wife, but decided I could use some fashion advice from a 58-year-old man dressed like an adjunct English professor from 1995 instead. I politely gave him the finger and returned to shimmying into the skirt I was now ten times more determined to stuff myself into.

They say hindsight is 20/20, so I must issue an apology to Mr. Grossman. Though I do not know what discount clothing outlet he is offering unsolicited advice in tonight, I want to extend my sincerest apologies for not taking his passive-aggressive, totally unnecessary, sexist, derogatory, creepy, mildly-alarming, stuff McDonald’s fries into my mouth in the back of my car-inducing comment to heart. In 2019, I will be periodically asking older men buying scented candles and cheap lingerie for their wives in department stores their advice on what I should wear.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.