REPORTER: [NAME OF PLAYER], Congratulations! Can you describe what you’re feeling right now?
ATHLETE: Well, first I wanna thank [DEITY OF CHOICE] and of course [SPONSOR]. It’s unbelievable! [OPPONENT] played so well. They made it tough for us at every turn. I want to congratulate them on a great series. They had an amazing year, but [CLICHÉ ABOUT ODDS OF WINNING], we won… That’s right haters, we are the [EXPLETIVE] [NAME OF CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES] Champs!
REPORTER: Did you ever think you would make it here to the [CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES NICKNAME]?
ATHLETE: I set a goal [NUMBER OF YEARS THE TEAM HAS BEEN TERRIBLE] ago and I was determined to bring a Championship to this City. I gave it [CLICHÉ FROM MOTIVATIONAL KITTEN DESK CALENDAR]. [NAME OF CITY], THIS IS FOR YOU!
REPORTER: [ATHLETE’S NICKNAME], you did what no other team has been able to do, coming back from [SYNONYM FOR HELL] to the finals. And to do that, you had to win [CALCULATED INTEGER] games, which has proven to be too much for so many teams. How did you do it?
ATHLETE: Well, I spoke to [COACH’S NICKNAME] and he said we have to go back to playing [FULL TEAM NAME + SPORT]. We were letting ourselves get bigger than the game. Nobody can be bigger than this game. We came back and played [FULL TEAM NAME + SPORT] and we were victorious. [DEITY] did this. [DEITY] wanted us to be Champions!
REPORTER: What did you say to your teammates to [VERB MEANING INTIMIDATE THE HELL OUT OF] them?
ATHLETE: I told them we had to take this like it was just a regular game and to keep [SLANG FOR SIMPLEST METHOD TO OBTAIN POINTS IN THE GIVEN SPORT].
REPORTER: What went through your mind when you [ADJECTIVE INVOLVING BODILY FLUID] your [UNDERGARMENT]?
ATHLETE: I was saying to [NICKNAME OF ONLY OTHER GOOD PLAYER ON TEAM] that we can’t let that get us down. We need to get back out there and [MOST BASIC SKILL USED IN THE GAME]. We need everybody to [MOTIVATIONAL CLICHÉ FROM 2003 WALL CALENDAR] and [VERB] the [BALL/PUCK/SHUTTLECOCK]!
REPORTER: [NICKNAME OF ATHLETE], did you have a personal mantra… something you kept saying to yourself all season?
ATHLETE: Definitely. I told myself to [HOT YOGA POSE] and [SAYING FROM FORTUNE COOKIE]. Things can get frustrating when they don’t go your way. We all believe in each other and we’re capable of doing some good things when we [SIMPLE SKILL THEY TEACH CHILDREN IN MINOR LEAGUE], that’s when the magic happens.
REPORTER: What advice would you give to young people out there that hope to be like you one day?
ATHLETE: You’ve gotta start with [OBVIOUS STARTING POINT]. Learn the game. Love the game. Be the game. Then, start talking money early. Get yourself an agent and don’t let the man try and [KAMASUTRA, PAGE 42]. That way, you get some endorsements and money up front.
REPORTER: Maybe the endorsements and agent are [SYNONYM FOR “TOO SOON”], don’t you think?
ATHLETE: Don’t I think?! Don’t YOU think?! Why the [EXPLETIVE] are you questioning my advice?! Which one of us is about to be fitted for a [TAKES DEITY’S NAME IN VAIN] [CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES] ring and have a line of merchandise with their name and [EXPLETIVE] number all over it? Is it YOU? Put me down for a [EXPLETIVE] t-shirt [NAME OF REPORTER]!
REPORTER: There you have it kids, get yourself an agent.
ATHLETE: Damn straight!
REPORTER: What does the future hold for your now? Any plans to [MOVE/RETIRE/JOIN OUR BROADCAST TEAM]?
ATHLETE: [EXPLETIVE] [NAME OF REPORTER]! I just won the [OPTIONAL EXPLETIVE] [NAME OF CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES]. I love the [EXPLETIVE] game of [FULL NAME OF SPORT] and want to play here in [CITY] as long as I can. Why the [SHEEP-RELATED EXPLETIVE] would I stop now when I am the [ROYAL TITLE/DEITY] of [FULL NAME OF SPORT]?
REPORTER: Gotcha. Hopefully next year, you’ll actually get to play in the game.
ATHLETE: That would be really [EXPLETIVE] great.
Take comedy writing classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.