Homepage / Fake News / Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady
Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04

Fake News

Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady


With locally-sourced men to meet your lowest expectations, Jaded is perfect for the woman who’s given up on finding happiness. Possible dates include a dude who arrives at your door 35 minutes late with a half-eaten burrito and a Colt 45 to share; a man who diatribes about his past sexual escapades with top models; and a man who treats you to dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant, then, over Tiramisu reveals that Tessa (his live-in girlfriend) is traveling in Europe for a month. No matter which man you try Jaded guarantees to surprise but never delight you.


Convinced that chivalry north of the Mason-Dixon Line has gone the way of the dodo? Choose from a menu of organic well-groomed men named Scooter, Ace, or Beau to whip you up old-fashioned romance but never call you ma’am. Your date greets you with a poem comparing your beauty to flora that only blooms in his mama’s former cotton field, then literally sweeps you off your feet. After placing you gently on your couch he serenades you with a banjo rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in your favorite Southern accent (i.e. Georgia, Texas, South Bronx). Prepare to be wooed even if your hair resembles a rat’s nest and you’re wearing period pants.

Bacchus’ Mission

Finally a solution to your social single anxiety! Bacchus’ Mission delivers your man in a tiny vessel that you can toss in your freezer until your next big bacchanalia where you’d rather die than show up without a plus one. Perfect for your best friend’s wedding, sister’s 30th birthday dinner, or frenemy’s going away party. Also tasty for that random weekend when all of your friends are mysteriously “busy.”


With thousands of guys to choose from, you’ll have no trouble ordering up a man who resembles your last boyfriend, Dave. After dating for 33 carefree days, Dave walked you home one evening, kissed you passionately on your stoop and heavy-breathed, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” When you didn’t hear from him the next day you waited another day because you’re not crazy. You then texted, “Hey there! How’s it going?” to which Dave never responded.

Schedule your Ghost’d delivery at a convenient time when you know you won’t be home. Your date will arrive at your doorstep and text you phrases that you will ignore such as:

“Hi, I’m here!”
“Everything ok?”
“Uh, hello?”
“I thought we had a date planned.”
“Oh, ok, I get it.”


Need an internal organ detox but are too busy to eat fruits and vegetables in their natural forms? Don’t fret, VeganHipster has your back. Your ironic-t-shirt-clad date rolls up on his skateboard to deliver you a smoothie with a non-ironic mustachioed smile. Packed with pro-oxidant superweeds harvested by Amazonian sloths, your drink maxes out at a hearty 211 calories. After sucking it dry plop yourself down for some Netflix and, depending on your mood, your man can join you to “chill” or he can get the hell out. Either way, he couldn’t care less.

Woke n’ Spoon

Woke n’ Spoon’s men satiate the palate of women everywhere who crave a straight cis man who finally gets that he will never be able to fully understand the experiences of women, so it’s best to shut up and listen. All potential dates endure 99+ hours of rigorous implicit gender bias training that includes: being told to smile by strangers on the street, ass-grabbing from a boss in the copy room, and walking home through back alleys at night without a phone, whistle, or pepper spray. Your chosen man will do anything that you enthusiastically consent to. Penis optional.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.