With locally-sourced men to meet your lowest expectations, Jaded is perfect for the woman who’s given up on finding happiness. Possible dates include a dude who arrives at your door 35 minutes late with a half-eaten burrito and a Colt 45 to share; a man who diatribes about his past sexual escapades with top models; and a man who treats you to dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant, then, over Tiramisu reveals that Tessa (his live-in girlfriend) is traveling in Europe for a month. No matter which man you try Jaded guarantees to surprise but never delight you.
Convinced that chivalry north of the Mason-Dixon Line has gone the way of the dodo? Choose from a menu of organic well-groomed men named Scooter, Ace, or Beau to whip you up old-fashioned romance but never call you ma’am. Your date greets you with a poem comparing your beauty to flora that only blooms in his mama’s former cotton field, then literally sweeps you off your feet. After placing you gently on your couch he serenades you with a banjo rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in your favorite Southern accent (i.e. Georgia, Texas, South Bronx). Prepare to be wooed even if your hair resembles a rat’s nest and you’re wearing period pants.
Finally a solution to your social single anxiety! Bacchus’ Mission delivers your man in a tiny vessel that you can toss in your freezer until your next big bacchanalia where you’d rather die than show up without a plus one. Perfect for your best friend’s wedding, sister’s 30th birthday dinner, or frenemy’s going away party. Also tasty for that random weekend when all of your friends are mysteriously “busy.”
With thousands of guys to choose from, you’ll have no trouble ordering up a man who resembles your last boyfriend, Dave. After dating for 33 carefree days, Dave walked you home one evening, kissed you passionately on your stoop and heavy-breathed, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” When you didn’t hear from him the next day you waited another day because you’re not crazy. You then texted, “Hey there! How’s it going?” to which Dave never responded.
Schedule your Ghost’d delivery at a convenient time when you know you won’t be home. Your date will arrive at your doorstep and text you phrases that you will ignore such as:
“Hi, I’m here!”
“I thought we had a date planned.”
“Oh, ok, I get it.”
Need an internal organ detox but are too busy to eat fruits and vegetables in their natural forms? Don’t fret, VeganHipster has your back. Your ironic-t-shirt-clad date rolls up on his skateboard to deliver you a smoothie with a non-ironic mustachioed smile. Packed with pro-oxidant superweeds harvested by Amazonian sloths, your drink maxes out at a hearty 211 calories. After sucking it dry plop yourself down for some Netflix and, depending on your mood, your man can join you to “chill” or he can get the hell out. Either way, he couldn’t care less.
Woke n’ Spoon
Woke n’ Spoon’s men satiate the palate of women everywhere who crave a straight cis man who finally gets that he will never be able to fully understand the experiences of women, so it’s best to shut up and listen. All potential dates endure 99+ hours of rigorous implicit gender bias training that includes: being told to smile by strangers on the street, ass-grabbing from a boss in the copy room, and walking home through back alleys at night without a phone, whistle, or pepper spray. Your chosen man will do anything that you enthusiastically consent to. Penis optional.
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