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Fake News

List: Unexpected Items on Bud Light’s New Ingredients Label



Pure hand-tickled hops

Yellowish Dye No. 5

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Barley

Yeets

Water, harvested from the tears of children whose daddies didn’t mean to yell, but dammit it’s been a long week, and he’s already told you three times now to calm the hell down

Romaine lettuce

A stream of actual light

Clydesdale dander

Inadvisable courage

Riboflavin

Wistfulness (specifically for nights at the lake the summer between sophomore and junior year when getting your hands on a case of Bud Light was a thrill instead of something you can do whenever you want, which kind of takes most of the fun out of it, but what else are you going to do, and what ever happened to Scotty and the boys anyway, didn’t Dave die?—you think you might have heard that somewhere)

Dilly

A pinch of Spuds MacKenzie ashes (for flavor/tribute)

One rehydrated Bud Dry

Serving size: 12 fl. oz. (first four servings); whatever, numbers are dumb (thereafter)

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