Standing on counters. I, too, like to feel tall. This is has nothing to do with the time I ended a seven-year relationship because my girlfriend was taller than I was when she wore heels, I promise.

Not having detailed policy positions. Truly talented professionals are able to wing it. I have been winging it my entire career as an office manager, and my ability to pull this off has everything to do with my extremely super good administrative skills and not at all with societal power dynamics that allow me to be mediocre and still succeed.

His DUI. We all have an uncle who has one.

Having sex with my wife. She was planning to vote for Kamala Harris and not Beto prior to their sexual encounter. Plus, he still visits my house sometimes to make sure she hasn’t reversed her decision- now that’s what I call voter outreach!

All of those spastic hand movements. I like to always take up as much space as possible to prove how big and smart and powerful I am.

Not waiting to run for Senate or governor of Texas where one could argue he’d be more needed or qualified. Great people do things before they’re ready, and Amy Poehler said that, and she’s a woman, so that means she and every woman who might think his decision to run for president is informed by his male privilege and ego should just shut up. He’s simply being great, just like I am when I walk into the corporate Hooters office I manage half an hour late every day.

Walking too slowly on the sidewalk. It’s annoying, but no politician is perfect and demanding political purity is what will get Trump re-elected. But also Elizabeth Warren is a neoliberal shill and I hate her.

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