Joey! I see you’re a Yale law school alum and you’ve had quite the career representing medical malpractice cases—any favorites stick out?
Larry, it says on my notecard here that you and your mother used to watch Jeopardy! every single night while growing up. If I may pry, what is your mother’s maiden name and the street you grew up on?
Let’s check-in with Joan, the oldest contestant to win for two weeks straight. First, I believe some congratulations are due, and second, I’ve been informed that you’ve recently removed your children from your will. I reached out to them and they’re here in the audience demanding an answer.
We all know Monica, returning champ of thirty consecutive days, but we received a letter from someone who’s known her longer. Her ex, Trevor. Monica, he wanted you to know that he’s ready to settle down and wants you to birth his children. Thoughts?
And now over to Fatima. Fatima, I’ve got your college transcripts here. You have a major in Russian Lit with a minor in Proverbial Folktales and work as a freelance executive assistant. So tell me, was Oberlin worth it?
Our next contestant is known among Jeopardy! fans as the “Buzzer Lover.” Pete, you earned that nickname from your reputation of hovering over the buzzer, and when I spoke with your therapist she said that stems from your inability to respect personal space. Do you think she’s on to something?
Richard, ever since you’ve started winning, people dug up some old tweets of yours from about six years ago. You probably already know what I’m talking about but let’s revisit them, shall we?
Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! wonderboy! Now, Ken, tell me, when I die how long will you wait before you come for my throne? I’ve heard your whispers in the green room, your plans for some sort of coup. You may think my reign is nearing its end but I’ve got news for you. I’ve drunk from the fountain of youth. I’m immortal, Ken, you’re never going to replace me. I am the alpha and omega, the almighty giver of points, the rightful heir of trivial knowledge. This kingdom is mine, and you, Ken, will never inherit it.
I do wish you the best of luck, even though you’ve been quite the pest. You’ve undoubtedly noticed the extra security tonight. Well, Ken, they’re here for you. I’m 78 years old, Ken, but with my newfound immortality, I’m not going anywhere. Security, escort Mr. Jennings to his final jeopardy.
Jenny! We’ve got footage of you saying you hate all Asian people. Care to elaborate?
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