For questions regarding your return status, please press X, where X is the tonnage of whale blubber accumulated during Japan’s Meiji Period, minus the number of plot holes in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.
For questions regarding filing status, please press X, where X is the average annual rainfall (in millimeters) in Bangladesh, divided by the number of bristles in Theodore Roosevelt’s mustache, rounded to the nearest integer.
For questions regarding audits and procedures, press X, where X is the median number of spots found on the African spotted hyena, minus the number of people who speak Chamicuro outside of Peru.
For questions regarding exemptions, please press X, where X is the number of kilowatt-hours required to power a Nissan Leaf, plus the number of adverbs found in the The Pelican Brief, by John Grisham.
To update your address in our mailing system, please press X, where X is the number of grocery stores in the greater Minneapolis area that carry Green Giant Tuscan Broccoli Steamers, multiplied by the number of times Donald Trump has tweeted the word “HUGE” in all caps in 2018.
For questions regarding social security and retirement, please press X, where X is the Malawian tobacco output (in tons), divided by the total number of Henry Avery’s crew that died of scurvy between 1693 and 1696, rounded to the nearest integer.
For questions regarding payment plans, please press X, where X is the highway gas mileage of a Sherman M4 Tank, plus the number of hands visible in Da Vinci’s The Last Supper.
For questions regarding dependents, please press X, where X is the number of episodes of The Office written by Mindy Kaling, multiplied by the number of darts included with the Nerf AccuStrike Mega Bulldog.
For all other inquiries, or for questions that do not fit into any other menu option, please press X, where X is the copper content percentage of refined buckwheat minus the number of candy corn pieces called for in Betty Crocker’s “Turkey Gobbler Cake” recipe.
To hear this menu again, please press X, where X is the number of fucks we give that you’re having trouble right now.
. . .
Are you still there? Please hang up and try again later. Goodbye.
Take comedy writing classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.