Homepage / Fake News / List: Signs It’s Time to Cancel Your New Yorker Subscription
Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’ Historical Valentines – David Martin, Humor Times Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team Owen Robinson on Bill "Spaceman" Lee Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Kidnapper or Scam Call? Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019 List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those Resolutions! Kelsey Djupstrom on Lizzy Yarnold President Orders National Guard To Begin Work On Giant Cheeseburger A Tale of Two Evenings The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters Straight-Acting Who Cares About Heart? I Invented a Time Machine and, No, I Can’t Kill Hitler Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This Promise Kept: Donald J Trump – Just The Enema America Needs Myth Vs. Fact: Wine Trump Loots America: Before the Fall Sentimental Old Founder Renames Company J.D. Power And Friends We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered How Not to Wear Blackface for Any Reason Whatsoever

Fake News

List: Signs It’s Time to Cancel Your New Yorker Subscription



You start skipping your mailbox for fear another issue is already lurking inside.

When you finally decide to face it—and your far less frightful utility bills—you assemble the stack strategically to showcase the New Yorker on top, then bestow a superior smile upon your neighbor bearing but a flimsy sheet of Burger King coupons and a copy of The Atlantic down the hall to his dark apartment.

You’re secretly jealous of his sanity in selecting a magazine with a rational monthly schedule instead of this weekly wunderkind with overachiever syndrome.

You position the iconic cover in careful proximity to the succulent on your coffee table and snap for social media. Humblebrag hashtag: #houseplant.

You leave the cover unopened—atop the last eleven weeks’ issues.

You rejoice at the reprieve of the rare biweekly issue (even though you had to give up Amazon Prime and suffer through seven-day shipping to subsidize this subscription).

You gaze longingly at your bookshelf of novels and shelter magazines that you aren’t allowing yourself until you finish your New Yorkers.

*     *     *

At last, you toss one of your five free New Yorker totes onto your shoulder with practiced nonchalance and schlep the entire contents of your coffee table to your local coffee shop.

You scan the “Goings On About Town” and bemoan your meaningless existence in some secondary city 790 miles from any actual New Yorkers.

You get one-quarter through your first feature article (or so you assume), then peek ahead a page… and another… and another and another and another… to gauge the length.

You continue flipping to all the cartoons.

You return to your original spot and attempt half a paragraph. Then you check to ensure the coffee-shop intelligentsia haven’t glanced up from their Kindle Paperwhites, and you abandon said article at what turns out to be the 1/16th mark. It was (eleven-week-) old news anyway.

You really only read the Fiction. And “Shouts & Murmurs.”

*     *     *

You resist returning home to confront the rush of guilt when you must send this issue over the precipice of the recycling bin, condemning ten thousand neglected words to eternal oblivion.

So you slide the magazine onto your lap (cover displayed prominently to Kindlers in the vicinity) as you scroll through your phone’s prolific offerings of other highbrow publications, like Facebook and Tinder.

You slip in an allusion to your current New Yorker state of mind in a message to a Bumble crush. Or, why not: you announce your subscription (i.e. your high IQ and your anti-Trump pride) at the top of your profile.

You re-stack all the issues back home on your coffee table for said crush to someday notice and admire.

You begin a sentence (or two) on your date later that evening with the offhand, casual opener: “I was reading this article in the New Yorker… ”

You realize you’re stretching the definition of “reading.” And you’re OK with it.

You order a gift subscription for your brainy new Bumble beau to impress him with your sophistication—and to give yourself free access to his hand-me-down issues.

Your crush keeps the subscription but cancels your relationship, citing something about your insufferable pretentiousness (you’re not sure; you were distracted by this great New Yorker book review you were skimming).

You take perverse solace in picturing him approaching his post office box with dread for the next interminable year.

You settle onto the sofa with the shelter magazine that just arrived in the mail.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish