Homepage / Fake News / List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi
If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured

Fake News

List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi

Every body is a yoga body. You can spend an hour in Child’s Pose or Savasana and still be a yogi. It’s not about what your body can or can’t do. It’s about the breath. (Combine with pic of One-Legged Inverted Staff Pose on Fingertips on a Paddleboard)

Have you made it to your meditation cushion today? (Insert Fruit emoji correspondent to the color of your meditation cushion; combine with meditating selfie) #om
Wearing @alo’s Gypset Goddess x Aria Bra and Intention Pant, with @lululemon’s Namastay Put Hipster panties underneath (Insert Sparkles emoji)

Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. (Insert Wind Face and Raising Hands emoji; combine with pic of Wind-Relieving Pose) #yogaeverydamnday

We women carry so much emotion in our hips. Prepare for a psoas release by building a nest of soft-knit blankets ready to receive you and your tears. I like to come down from a hip workshop with an organic acai bowl and a mindful self-care purchase from @lululemon. Can’t wait to cozy up in their Heart Opener Meditation Cloak. (Insert Folded Hands, Red Heart, and Glowing Star emojis) #thisisyoga #blessed

Your root chakra is at its peak vibration level during your moon cycle. It’s so important to slow down and listen to your body at this time of the month. I open up to the feminine with gentle movement, a 14-day juice cleanse, and a visit to my altar, which I’ve spiritualized with organic quartz, organic ylang ylang oil, organic wheatgrass, an organic lavender soy candle, and a vial of steaming organic goat’s blood. (Insert Folded Hands emoji; combine with pic of hands placed on unbloated abdomen with 15% body fat) #organicfemale #menses #vibrators

Om shanti shanti. #om #shanti #shanti

I stopped eating sugar, dairy, wheat products, processed foods, unprocessed foods, raisins, carrots, domestic grains, and Chinese honey a year ago. My practice has never been stronger. (Insert Seedling emoji; combine with pic of sculpted yoga body) #eatclean #om #hypoglycemia

Be your best self with your best butt! Booty Thug Yoga combines glute-sculpting moves at 104° F with public domain hip hop beats (damn you Notorious B.I.G. estate) so you look *hella fly* in your Lulu Wunder Under Pants. For real, this shit my new faves yoga. (Combine with pic showcasing yoga butt) #bestself #thuglyfe #yogapants

“Yoga is universal…But don’t approach yoga with a business mind looking for worldly gain.” – Sri Pattabhi Jois
Teaching a Candlelight Tantric Scuba Flow Superclass™ at 7pm tonight, hope to see all you spiritual seekers there! Bring a friend and get a discount on my new book, “I Am Goddess: A Memoir of Yoga and My Sacred-Sexual Temple.” (Insert Face Blowing a Kiss emoji; combine with close-up side-lit photo of sculpted yoga abs)

My guru doesn’t allow disciples to take his picture. Well, not without without an additional fee. So here’s a picture of an elephant, an animal that reminds me of my guru’s wisdom. So blessed by @(tagyourguru)’s class today. (Insert Folded Hands, Man Wearing Turban, and Smiling Face with Heart-Eyes emojis) #om #lovehim #sooooomuch

The light in me honors the light in your yoga pants. #yogapants

It’s so easy to forget that yoga originated in India, possibly as early as 400 BCE! Join me in this $16.8 billion (and growing! Insert Shooting Star emoji) industry on my brand-new, 42-day retreat to the motherland, “Bless Up: Down & Dirty Matwork.” You and 83 other devoted spiritual seekers will master asana, kundalini activation, and small-portion rice eating—and you’ll get minimal one-on-one time with your humble teacher (ME! Insert Face With Stuck-Out Tongue & Closed Eyes emoji) in a prana-rich group setting. BYO yoga mat. #yogaretreat #bliss #indiaiscool #yogamat

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.