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Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’ Historical Valentines – David Martin, Humor Times Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team Owen Robinson on Bill "Spaceman" Lee Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Kidnapper or Scam Call? Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019 List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those Resolutions! Kelsey Djupstrom on Lizzy Yarnold President Orders National Guard To Begin Work On Giant Cheeseburger A Tale of Two Evenings The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters Straight-Acting Who Cares About Heart? I Invented a Time Machine and, No, I Can’t Kill Hitler Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This Promise Kept: Donald J Trump – Just The Enema America Needs Myth Vs. Fact: Wine Trump Loots America: Before the Fall Sentimental Old Founder Renames Company J.D. Power And Friends We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered How Not to Wear Blackface for Any Reason Whatsoever

Fake News

List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi

Every body is a yoga body. You can spend an hour in Child’s Pose or Savasana and still be a yogi. It’s not about what your body can or can’t do. It’s about the breath. (Combine with pic of One-Legged Inverted Staff Pose on Fingertips on a Paddleboard)

Have you made it to your meditation cushion today? (Insert Fruit emoji correspondent to the color of your meditation cushion; combine with meditating selfie) #om
Wearing @alo’s Gypset Goddess x Aria Bra and Intention Pant, with @lululemon’s Namastay Put Hipster panties underneath (Insert Sparkles emoji)

Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. (Insert Wind Face and Raising Hands emoji; combine with pic of Wind-Relieving Pose) #yogaeverydamnday

We women carry so much emotion in our hips. Prepare for a psoas release by building a nest of soft-knit blankets ready to receive you and your tears. I like to come down from a hip workshop with an organic acai bowl and a mindful self-care purchase from @lululemon. Can’t wait to cozy up in their Heart Opener Meditation Cloak. (Insert Folded Hands, Red Heart, and Glowing Star emojis) #thisisyoga #blessed

Your root chakra is at its peak vibration level during your moon cycle. It’s so important to slow down and listen to your body at this time of the month. I open up to the feminine with gentle movement, a 14-day juice cleanse, and a visit to my altar, which I’ve spiritualized with organic quartz, organic ylang ylang oil, organic wheatgrass, an organic lavender soy candle, and a vial of steaming organic goat’s blood. (Insert Folded Hands emoji; combine with pic of hands placed on unbloated abdomen with 15% body fat) #organicfemale #menses #vibrators

Om shanti shanti. #om #shanti #shanti

I stopped eating sugar, dairy, wheat products, processed foods, unprocessed foods, raisins, carrots, domestic grains, and Chinese honey a year ago. My practice has never been stronger. (Insert Seedling emoji; combine with pic of sculpted yoga body) #eatclean #om #hypoglycemia

Be your best self with your best butt! Booty Thug Yoga combines glute-sculpting moves at 104° F with public domain hip hop beats (damn you Notorious B.I.G. estate) so you look *hella fly* in your Lulu Wunder Under Pants. For real, this shit my new faves yoga. (Combine with pic showcasing yoga butt) #bestself #thuglyfe #yogapants

“Yoga is universal…But don’t approach yoga with a business mind looking for worldly gain.” – Sri Pattabhi Jois
Teaching a Candlelight Tantric Scuba Flow Superclass™ at 7pm tonight, hope to see all you spiritual seekers there! Bring a friend and get a discount on my new book, “I Am Goddess: A Memoir of Yoga and My Sacred-Sexual Temple.” (Insert Face Blowing a Kiss emoji; combine with close-up side-lit photo of sculpted yoga abs)

My guru doesn’t allow disciples to take his picture. Well, not without without an additional fee. So here’s a picture of an elephant, an animal that reminds me of my guru’s wisdom. So blessed by @(tagyourguru)’s class today. (Insert Folded Hands, Man Wearing Turban, and Smiling Face with Heart-Eyes emojis) #om #lovehim #sooooomuch

The light in me honors the light in your yoga pants. #yogapants

It’s so easy to forget that yoga originated in India, possibly as early as 400 BCE! Join me in this $16.8 billion (and growing! Insert Shooting Star emoji) industry on my brand-new, 42-day retreat to the motherland, “Bless Up: Down & Dirty Matwork.” You and 83 other devoted spiritual seekers will master asana, kundalini activation, and small-portion rice eating—and you’ll get minimal one-on-one time with your humble teacher (ME! Insert Face With Stuck-Out Tongue & Closed Eyes emoji) in a prana-rich group setting. BYO yoga mat. #yogaretreat #bliss #indiaiscool #yogamat

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