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Fake News

List: Life-Threatening Situations to Mark Yourself “Safe” on Facebook



You crossed the street to get away from your ex and his new boyfriend and you knocked over four giant bags of garbage, so now he sees you alone and covered in garbage juice.

You were stuck in the subway for 15 minutes just outside the station so the automated voice kept repeating “This is 14th Street-Union Square” and you didn’t have service to tell your friend you were going to be late to lunch at Au Bon Pain.

You tried out a new barber and sat in silence for 18 minutes after finding out he was from Long Island, voted for Trump, and has some amazing ideas for your job as a stand-up.

You stumbled over the same grande cinnamon dolce latte half-caff extra shot no foam all whip Starbucks order you get every day and now you have a grande cinnamon shortbread latte with only foam.

You stepped in dog shit.

You stepped in dog shit and trekked it through the entire office.

You stepped in dog shit, trekked it through the entire office, and into the team meeting that you’re running late for because you stumbled over your Starbucks order, so everyone knows that you’re the one who stepped in dog shit.

The woman behind you in line at Trader Joe’s “accidentally” tripped you, said “sorry” and stepped on you as she went after the last bottle of your favorite alcoholic craft root beer.

Your friend’s roommate’s cousin lost his job at BuzzFeed and now you can’t say “I know who made this quiz!” to your coworkers on Slack.

You made eye contact with Chris Evans while walking to the laundromat in the hole-ridden sweatpants you had embossed with the logo for your high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.

You discovered that your roommate ate all of your parmesan when you went to add some to the gluten free microwave mac and cheese from Trader Joe’s you got as a consolation for losing your favorite alcoholic craft root beer and found a sticky note with a “promise” to replace it.

Your friends surprised you by actually showing up to your beginner improv show.

You tried to be a gentleman by holding the door open for your new boyfriend on the first second date you’ve had in three years but you were weren’t paying attention and slammed the door into his face.

The cute barista you’ve been in love with for two years finally remembers you and asks “the usual?” when you get to the counter and you get so flustered you ask him to marry you.

You woke up in a cold sweat at 3 am from a dream in which you call your 5th grade teacher Mr. Jones who was part of your sexual awakening “Dad.”

On a four-hour car drive to your second cousin’s wedding your mom reminded you of the time you forgot to delete the browser history and failed to convince her that those gay porn sites were just pop-ups.

Both of your roommates came home at the same time and found you dancing and belting to Cher’s cover of Abba’s “Waterloo” while making a peanut butter, jelly, pickle, and Cheeto sandwich.

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