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Tips For The Perfect Picnic I Know, I Look Exactly Like Bradley Cooper Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency

Fake News

List: Honest Headlines for the Unread Articles in My Browser Tabs

“The President Just Did Something That We’re Not Going To Call Crazy But The Rest Of The Country Will Completely Agree Is Bonkers”
The New York Times

“What The President Just Did Is Completely Batshit”
The Nation

“How Climate Change Is Going To Make Our Planet So Inhospitable You’ll Wish You Could Mutate Into A Tree Person From Annihilation

“No One With Any Modicum of Power Is Doing Anything About That Either”
The New Republic

“Someone Five Years Younger Than You Has Already Accomplished Every Single Dream You Have Ever Had’

“Quick, Read Something Funny To Distract Yourself From The Giant Wall Of Depression Coming For You At Escape Velocity”

“Mitch McConnell Seen Doing Sick Kickflips In The Rotunda While President Spouts Racist Rhetoric Toward Dogs”

“The Fastest And Easiest Way To Stop Being A Poor Millennial And Grow Your Wealth Is (You’ve Reached Your Article Limit For The Month, Please Subscribe!)
The Wall Street Journal

“How I Used Weed To Launch My Consciousness Away From Earth’s Atmosphere And Disturb The Elder Gods In Deep Space, And Oh My God They’re Coming For All Of Us And We Can’t Run We Are But Worms In Their Almighty Gaze”

“Climate Change Is Still Killing Us, In Case You Got Distracted”
New York Magazine


“That Guy Who Is Five Years Younger Than You And Has Accomplished All Of Your Dreams In Life? Yeah, He’s Gay Too And He’s Already Got A Boyfriend And The Cutest Fucking Dog You’ll Ever See”
Out Magazine

“37 Products To Make You So Productive You’ll Forget All About That Nagging Voice In The Back Of Your Mind That Tells You To Leave The City And Move To The Rocky Mountains Just To Get Away From The Crushing Grind”

“Why Our Pivot To Video Was A Sham In Order To Commit A Human Sacrifice Needed To Appease The Elder Gods That Are Coming For Us From Beyond The Stars”

“VIDEO: The McElroy Brothers Reveal How You Will Die”

“Don’t You Wish You Could Live In The West Village? That Guy Who’s Five Years Younger Than You And His Boyfriend Are Engaged And Just Bought A Gorgeous Townhouse On Christopher Street”
Architectural Digest

“How To Optimize Your Life So Much The Robots That Finally Rise Up And Take Over The World Will Think You’re One Of Them”
Fast Company

“RECIPE: Chicken Cacciatore Meal-For-Two That, Let’s Face It, You’ll Only Ever Make For One”

“I’m The ‘Short’ Story That Everyone On Social Media Is Discussing And Since You Can’t Be Left Out Of The Zeitgeist For Longer Than A Few Minutes Before You Spontaneously Combust, You Better Put Aside 50 Minutes To Read Me”
The New Yorker

“Hi, Did You Forget About Climate Change? Cause It Feels Like Everyone Sort Of Did”

“The Rocky Mountains Are Calling You, They Sing In An Ancient Dead Song That Says You Can Feel Happiness Again, Feel Anything Again, So Long As You Sell Your Worldly Possessions, Grow A Flourishing Beard, Delete All Social Media, Cut Ties From Your Family And Move To One Of These 6 Great Spots For Spring Hiking”
Outside Magazine

“VIDEO: Chris Evans Slow Motion Backflip See Dick Through Sweatpants?”
—Comic Book Resources

“Is It Possible To Excrete So Much Feces It Weighs The Same As You? Yes, Here’s How To Do It So You Can Feel Like A Real Man”

“10 Beanies You’ll Only Be Able To Afford If You Sell Your First-Born Child, Dog And Husband To A Witch”

“Guy Who is Five Years Younger And Fiance Win Nobel Peace Prizes And MacArthur Genius Grants”
The Advocate

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