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CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? 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Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? 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Fake News

List: Beloved Children’s Books Vandalized by Curmudgeons



A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Resulting in a Broken Hip

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE Until 8PM, Tops

A WRINKLE IN TIME and Botox Every 3-6 Months, as Needed

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD, on a Good Day, Pumped Full of Anti-Inflammatories

BROWN BEAR, BROWN BEAR, WHAT DO YOU SEE? Can You See at All? You Shouldn’t Be Driving

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR after Eating Brownies Made by Two Hippies Driving a VW Microbus

OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO When You’ve Got an Enlarged Prostate and There’s Nary a Bathroom in Sight

GREEN EGGS AND HAM, Fuzzy Cheese, and Other Stuff in the Back of Meemaw’s Refrigerator

GOODNIGHT MOON: Dinner by 4, Jammies by 5, Lights Out at 7

THE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS Not One of Whom Can Figure Out How to Program a Smart Appliance

CHARLOTTE’S WEB of Deceit About Her Recent Facelift

WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS, Orthopedic Rehab Begins

TOOTLE and Other Reasons Not to Bend Over in Public

CURIOUS GEORGE: The Nosy Neighbor Looking Out His Window and Calling the Cops on Everyone

CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG Pooped on My Lawn Again After I Specifically Told Those Kids to Keep Him Off It

IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE, It’ll Come Back Later, Break in, and Steal Everything in Your Pantry

IF YOU GIVE A MOOSE A MUFFIN, Make Sure It’s Bran Cuz Papaw Needs All the Help He Can Get

THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH and the Driver Who Couldn’t Quite See Over the Dashboard Anymore

LOVE YOU FOREVER But the House is in Foreclosure and There’s No Cash in the Will

HOP ON POP and Leave Grammy’s Wrinkles Alone

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: The New People We Don’t Like in 407 B

THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN, the Weak Stream, and Getting Up Five Times a Night

STELLALUNA, Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Other Hippie Offspring Who Will Never Be Nominated to the Supreme Court

ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY Involving Dentures and a Sewer Grate

THE CAT IN THE HAT, the Flower Child in Tie-Dye Bell Bottoms, and Random People Milling Around Asking if I Can Dig It

CHICKA CHICKA BOOM BOOM and Everything Jiggles

STREGA NONA Asks Herself if This is the Night She Will Smother Gramps With His Own Pillow

THE LITTLE HOUSE Your Parents Affectionately Call a Granny Pod But That Doesn’t Change the Reality of Living in a Box in Your Backyard

PIPPI LONGSTOCKING and the Swollen Ankles

THE ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO Doing Chair Yoga

CAPS FOR SALE but Don’t Tell Grandpa Because He Already Has Too Many Stupid-Looking Hats

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS Revealed Only After the Sound Was Turned Way Up

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS Because Aunt Frieda Set the Thermostat on 900

THE LITTLE PRINCE Hires Someone to Trim His Toenails

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY and, Thanks to Acid Reflux, It’ll Be Back Any Minute

EVERYBODY POOPS But Only Uncle Frank Talks About It

THE RUNAWAY BUNNY Didn’t Get Very Far Thanks to His Bunions

HANDS HANDS FINGERS THUMB and I’ve Got Bursitis in All of Them

GO, DOG, GO Frequently and Involuntarily

OH, THE THINKS YOU CAN THINK Before Your Neurons Betray You

HORTON HEARS A WHO But It’s Probably Tinnitus

THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK and a Prescription for Statins

THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK Four or Five Times Because His Memory is Shot

WINNIE THE POOH Wants Orthotics and Velcro Sneakers for His Birthday

ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND With Fresh Batteries in Her Hearing Aids

PAT THE BUNNY Has Lost his Keys for the Third Time Today

THE VELVETEEN RABBIT Used to Be a Lot Taller

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