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Fake News

List: Acceptable Reasons to Wake Up Your Parents in the Middle of the Night


You threw up.

You had a nightmare.

You had a nightmare, and then you threw up.

You lost a tooth but if you put it under your pillow without telling your parents first, the tooth fairy won’t come, for some reason.

You lost a tooth and when you felt the gap in your gums, a physical reminder of the relentless march of time and inevitable loss of your childhood, you threw up.

The tooth fairy came! Check it out, five whole bucks.

You think there might be a monster in your closet.

You think there might be several monsters in your closet.

You checked the closet and it wasn’t a monster, it was nine blue goblins. They play poker every Thursday night and they apologized for the noise.

The nine blue goblins are now eighteen blue goblins. They double in number every time you masturbate, and also guess what, you just learned how to masturbate.

You think there might be a monster under your bed.

You know there’s a monster under your bed.

You met the monster under your bed. His name is Hank, he’s 34, he’s a Gemini, and his Myers-Briggs personality type is INFP.

Hank invited you to come play poker with the tooth fairy and the 1,152 blue goblins in your closet, but you spent all your tooth fairy money already, so you need to borrow a couple bucks.

The 4,608 blue goblins that live in your closet lost poker last night and they’re holding the tooth fairy hostage until Hank admits he cheated, which he probably did. He’s a textbook Gemini.

The 147,456 blue goblins that live in your closet have resorted to pulling the tooth fairy’s teeth out one by one and mailing them to Hank until he admits he cheated. He won’t admit it because he was born right on the Taurus-Gemini cusp, so he’s a bit stubborn.

Getting her teeth pulled out one by one is actually a huge turn-on for the tooth fairy and her moans of pleasure are keeping you up.

The tooth fairy, horny and toothless, escaped from your closet and the 1,179,648 blue goblins within. That night, she watched you sleep and whispered threateningly to you in a garbled, gummy voice you couldn’t comprehend. Nevertheless, it made you feel vaguely guilty. Guilty for masturbating, for having teeth, for existing in general. You woke up drenched in sweat. You vowed never to masturbate or brush your teeth again. You broke one of those vows about twenty minutes later.

You lost a tooth again. Instead of money, you found bloody nail clippings and a rusty fishing hook under your pillow.

You haven’t seen Hank in a few weeks, but you’re not worried because Geminis are naturally flaky. There is a rotting smell coming from underneath your bed, though.

There are now 150,994,944 blue goblins in your closet. They’ve gnawed all your good church pants to shreds with their tiny, glittering black teeth. They hiss at you from the crack under the door: why are we here why did you create us are you our dad why don’t you love us dad why don’t you love us daddy dearest there are so many of us and only one of you why do you get to sleep in a bed while we sleep in the closet?

You think you might be hallucinating again.

You can’t sleep. You haven’t slept in weeks. You just want someone to make you some warm milk.

You threw up again, but this time it was mostly liquid.

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