1. Bring tanks filled with helium to match Grandma’s carbon monoxide tank that she’ll release when she’s ready. This way when everyone says goodbye to Grandma, you’ll do it with funny chipmunk voices, a surefire way to make her last laugh a good one.
2. Blindfold the assisting doctor and spin the doctor around for a silly game of “Pin the Lethal Injection on Grandma.”
3. Choose the right hors d’oeuvres to pair with midazolam, propofol or rocuronium. These common physician-assisted suicide medications aren’t known for their taste, but pairing a nice brie and fig cracker with midazolam, for example, will make for a truly savory and sumptuous last bite.
4. Choose the right music. Don’t have Grandma leave this world to the sound of Love Shack; hire a professional physician-assisted-suicide DJ to remix some of her favorite hits into a 30-second sound bite (that’s all the time she’ll have after the medication is administered).
5. Send out RSVPs for the big day early enough so you can compile a list of guests, making sure not to invite that bitch Miriam who lived down the street, fake tanned, and always flirted with Grandpa.
6. Play a game of musical hospital beds. When the music stops, that’s a great silly moment to give Grandma the injection—she’ll laugh because you surprised her.
7. Bring a crazy oversized jumbo pen for Grandma to sign the legal documents. She’ll be busting a gut as she consents for the aiding physician to end her life with a pen that is way way too big for her frail hands.
8. Play a drinking game like “Straight Faces.” Write funny sentences on slips of paper and give them to Grandma to read. If she can’t keep a straight face, she has to drink the lethal, physician-approved medication.
9. Hire a medical-aid-in-dying magician. The magician can do fun tricks like making Grandma’s hospital bed levitate. She’ll be so astonished in her final moments that by the time the magician lowers the hovering bed she’ll have peacefully passed away with a look of pure amazement on her face.
10. Have the primary physician dress as Grandma’s favorite superhero when he or she administers the final medication. Imagine Grandma’s delight when she sees the Hulk come in with an IV bag saying, “ARGHH, Hulk has strongest medicine there is! Hulk SMASH your pain away!”
For added entertainment, have the doctor morph back into a naked Bruce Banner and say, “Where am I? No! What have I done?” This will surely have Grandma chuckling as she moves from this life to the next.