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Fake News

List: 10 Things You Should Know Before You Go Back to Your Hometown for the Holidays


1. The mall is kind of sad now. Two of the anchor stores closed, and the only stores still open are a Suncoast Video, a Halloween shop that’s open year-round, and a funeral parlor.

2. That guy you used to be friends with in high school then haven’t talked to in years… you know the one, that guy who used to mow half our lawn before he’d wander away… Tommy? Well he’s married now, has his life together, and runs a life insurance firm that employs half the town. Just thought you should know! How’s your stuff working? Any luck finding a slightly less cramped studio apartment?

3. Your mom and I have been having some money issues, so we’re hoping you don’t mind sleeping in the basement. We’ve got a boarder now named Lorraine. She’s very nice! Too bad she’s got a girlfriend, otherwise your mom would try to set you up. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll break up!

4. We’ve got a Panera now! The prices are a little more than I’m comfortable with, but they let you sit there for hours even if you don’t buy anything, so it gets me out of the house and away from Lorraine’s saxophone practice.

5. How close are you to your friend Tommy? I know it’s been a few years, but you guys were good buds, right? You two went to prom in the same group, right? And I bet you two used to sneak beers together. Don’t worry, we’re all adults now. I sent my resume in to Tommy’s company, but I haven’t heard anything back yet. Could you check with him, and make sure he’s hiring? Maybe put in a good word for your old man?

6. The abandoned movie theater at the edge of town where teenagers used to go to have sex finally got torn down. They were going to put up a big box store, but the company decided this town was a bad investment, so now it’s just a giant empty pit. Last time your mom and I walked past, I joked that pit was just like our bank account! She didn’t say anything, but I bet your mom got a good laugh out of that.

7. Teenagers go have sex in the giant pit at the edge of town.

8. Your sister called to say she’s dating a guy who was recently incarcerated. It’s NOT a big deal, I just wanted to let you know to make sure you don’t accidentally say the words prison, misdemeanor, or tax fraud during Christmas dinner. I already talked to Lorraine about it.

9. Lorraine’s got to stay here during the holidays to work her part time job at the mall funeral parlor, so we said she could have Christmas with us. Maybe you could invite your friend Tommy over, and we could have a little party. Does he like jazz? Just let me know before you do so I can make sure to put on my good tie.

10. They finally put in a stop sign at Cedar!

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