Homepage / Fake News / Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold
White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE The 8 Types of Players In Every Game of 'Never Have I Ever' New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh Gentrification Begets Gentrification – Jim Hightower, Humor Times If Movie Posters Were Honest (September 2018 Edition) Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON'T CANCEL Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions Cameraman Strikes Gold With Tubby Fan Eating Ice Cream, Dancing, Holding Baby Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric 7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News 6 Style Guides For College Freshman Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low Crazytowners’ Letter to American Voters Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 11, 2018 Trump’s Military Parade: A Poem Comments Mysteriously Disabled On YouTube Video Of Sparrow In Yard Attorney General Sessions Most Likely Responsible For Hurricane Florence

Fake News

Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold

Tip o’ the hat from the other end of the rainbow, laddies. It’s Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker here. Ain’t ye’ investors lovely today, with your legs long as towers and your massive heads?

I get so many calls from clients asking, “Innis, what do you like investment-wise going into the 2nd quarter and can ya’ grant me a wish?”

With the latest trend toward trade protectionism, I like gold.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came.

A contraction in trade brought on by tariffs will lag commerce between nations. Historically (more for you than for me as I’m hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade, and no… I cannot grant ye a wish. In a move that was cleared with the Securities and Exchange Commission and completely Pyramid Protection Act-compliant, my first three clients got all me wishes.

You know what I told them to wish for? Gold. Gold. Gold.

Downgrades in precious metal markets will affect platinum, palladium, and potentially even silver and cubic zirconium, not gold though. Gold is trading at 1.72 per square ounce of bullion, and if ye have a high tolerance for risk and crucifixes you can smelt a gold one, rest it on the devil’s forehead, and he’ll turn into a six pence for a fortnight.

For shoe-cobbling stocks, I like Nike. They are releasing their limited edition Air Force One kicks in May. They’re gold!

Commodities cover everything from cattle to diamonds, and colored diamonds have been performing well. Blue diamonds, pink diamonds, and yellow diamonds can’t lose money these days, but they were once coal. When the Tuatha De Danann Tribe of the Gods face off against the Fomorians during the end of days, diamonds will again turn to coal and soon after, dust.

Not gold though, not with its triple-A credit rating from Moody’s on Wall Street.

Last quarter saw food-truck franchises steal market share from fast food stocks as on-the-go diners seek fresher fare, a trend that will likely extend to wineries and artisan beer as upstarts win consumers away from entrenched competitors. But if you’re looking to diversify your portfolio, and escape a pack of headless Dullahan black-fairies—their nightmarish stallions beaming hellfire from their eye sockets as they pine for your mortal soul—a Korean-taco truck yielding a 12% return is not going to help most investors.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came, as you stand ground on your rainbow bridge yelling, “May ye buy high and sell low in hell, ye miserable bastards!”

The Dow and the NASDAQ are the great mover of ships when it comes to the investing world; any adviser is remiss to discount stocks, bonds and annuities’ great gains since the ought-teens. Annuities in particular will continue to appeal to retiring workers who turn away from market volatility toward annuities’ complex blend of guarantees and actuarial models pushing more risk onto Wall Street and away from investors.

But if a talking fox paints an annuity gold, you can’t bite down on it to find it’s just a wooden nickel. That second layer of gold’s reassurance appeals to the staid investor who doesn’t want to risk losing his life savings to semantic anthromorphs.

Oil drilling, natural gas wells, wind, and solar power will all enjoy returns as America pursues an “all of the above” strategy for its energy needs. Meanwhile, the continuing trend of campers being dragged off by tiny ropes, stripped of all but sifters, and forced to mine rivers for gold dust or be turned into farm animals, will put a crimp on the travel industry.

Tariffs will hurt some metals but precious metals, specifically gold, could see increases as high as 3% this quarter if trends continue. It’s shiny… so… so shiny.

U.S. taxes on steel are upsetting Ireland’s leaders and all the snake-infested countries, too. The World Trade Organization is thus forecasting far fewer foreign trades in 2018. These trade protections make the financial landscape ripe for real-life gold farming in your own xenophobic, nationalist society, which after all is why we leprechauns were invented in the first place.

Ain’t I just an adorable, non-threatening Irish immigrant, ye great big lug of an investor ye? Ain’t I?

For all your predictions on bulls, bears, and bog zombies, turn to the stock blog of Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker!

At the time of writing this article, author Rich Hopcroft is not a fully accredited stockbroker, nor are leprechauns likely to be real. Consider consulting with a professional before making trades or consorting with a talking fox.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.