Homepage / Fake News / Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold
Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die Dating By Invitation Only GPS Lite: The Navigation System That Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going Must Really Suck Being A Democrat These Days Help! I’m the Cialis Guy and I’m Trapped in an Eli Roth Film Fourth Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content The Swimsuit Issue L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father Michigan GOP Passes Legislation Rerouting Flint Drinking Water To Governor’s Mansion For Incoming Democrat Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like Should The NFL Be Doing More To Prevent Female Concussions? How To Get A GoFundMe Insurance Plan NRCC Emails Stolen During Major 2018 Election Hack My Boyfriend Gave Me Cheetos For My Birthday (Love Advice) Zoologists Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids Fox News Intern Fetching Coffee Tells Herself This Will All Pay Off When She Trump’s Secretary Of State One Day Oscars to Give Out 'Participation' Awards Why You Never Ask Strangers in the Elevator If They Want to Get Drinks ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Sunk By Unforgivable Inclusion Of Kirby, One Of The Most Offensive Harmful Stereotypes To Ever Appear In Popular Entertainment What's Beeping in the Giant Robot? Man Worried The 6th ‘Transformers’ Movie Will Just Be Stupid 5 Things To Know About ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Top Agenda Items In Upcoming Democratic-Majority House The Trump Administration’s Official Recommendations for Hanukkah Parties Really, Was George W Bush So Bad? | You make the news…We report it! Sage Grouse Prepare To Defend Alaskan Territory Herpetologists Discover Species Of Frogs That Evolved To Spontaneously Grow Top Hat And Cane Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy ‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave David Attenborough Says Collapse Of Civilization On Horizon Should The NFL Prohibit Players From Appearing In Hotel Security Footage? Defeated Republicans In Wisconsin, Michigan Move To Neutralize Democrats Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License Trump Claims California Downpour Caused by 'Cloud Mismanagement' | Revlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup Animorphs & Azkaban A Nightmare at the Abandoned Circuit City Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run Another Academy Award Winning Actor Grabs For The Racist Ring On National TV Optometrist Sets Pressure Of Air Puff Test Way Higher For Asshole Patients IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue Notes from Pantone Considering Which Shade of Taupe to Name 2019 Color of the Year Latest from the Humor Times Free App: ‘Christmas Wishes’ Trump is to Being President as Battery Acid is to Being a Skin Conditioner The 4 Medical Conditions That You Can Have Furloughed Willie Horton Pays Respects At George H.W. Bush Funeral International Climate Conference Kicks Off In Poland Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power The Computer Mouse Turns 50 Mueller Expected To Reveal Details About 3 Major Players In Russia Investigation Wells Fargo Computer Glitch Accidentally Forecloses On All 5,700 Branches Our First Reactions To The Avengers 4 Trailer Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter 8 Chill Ways To Deepen Your Relationships With Your Bros Nervous Maid Of Honor Just Stringing Together Random Maya Angelou Quotes Grieving Nation Solemnly Waits Extra Day For Their Amazon Shit Wow, Nobody Can Flirt With Me Anymore Last Year’s Cruise Ship Accident Will Not Affect How I Manage This Year’s Cruise Ships Scott Walker Changes Locks On Wisconsin Governor’s Office Raytheon Employee Going To Be Pissed If Bonus Just Missile Again Alternative Wedding Rings for Alternative Couples Plucky Band of Racist Children Commence Construction on Border Wall 11 Babies We Don’t Give A Shit About Fed Proposes Forcing Drugmakers To List Drug Prices In Ads Warby Parker Apologizes For Years Of Testing Glasses On Animals Researchers Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social Circle Trump Wants a Privatized Post Office Gina Haspel Briefs Senators On Saudis’ ‘Shockingly Uninspired’ Khashoggi Interrogation The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Pence and Vice President Biden Scientists Say Pluto Definitely A Planet Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting GOP-Controlled Wisconsin Legislature Votes To Dissolve State Rather Than Let Democrats Have It The Graveyard of Good and Evil Working At This Diner for 35 Years, I’ve Seen All Walks of Life Deny Themselves True Culinary Pleasure Active-Shooter Drills By The Numbers Ohio State Begins Scouting For Next Scandal Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 4, 2018 New York City Sights to See During Your Next Emotional Breakdown The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 3, 2018 Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago Man Parallel Parking Tries To Leave Enough Room Between Cars To Infuriate Other Drivers Into Just Giving Up Chemistry Teacher Encouraging Students To Fuck Around With Bunsen Burners In Last-Ditch Effort To Prove Science Is Cool China, U.S. Agree To Temporary Halt To Trade War George H.W. Bush Remembered For Vast Contributions To AIDS Quilting Community How I Got a Ticket Speed Dating My Boyfriend Is Jealous of Deadpool's Costume (Love Advice) Divorced Parents A Little Hurt Child’s Christmas List Doesn’t Include Heartbreaking Wish For Them To Get Back Together Horoscopes for Jerks: December, 2018 George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol Violence Erupts Across France As Citizens Protest High Cost Of Refilling Crème Brûlée Torches When You're a Total Push Over

Fake News

Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold

Tip o’ the hat from the other end of the rainbow, laddies. It’s Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker here. Ain’t ye’ investors lovely today, with your legs long as towers and your massive heads?

I get so many calls from clients asking, “Innis, what do you like investment-wise going into the 2nd quarter and can ya’ grant me a wish?”

With the latest trend toward trade protectionism, I like gold.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came.

A contraction in trade brought on by tariffs will lag commerce between nations. Historically (more for you than for me as I’m hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade, and no… I cannot grant ye a wish. In a move that was cleared with the Securities and Exchange Commission and completely Pyramid Protection Act-compliant, my first three clients got all me wishes.

You know what I told them to wish for? Gold. Gold. Gold.

Downgrades in precious metal markets will affect platinum, palladium, and potentially even silver and cubic zirconium, not gold though. Gold is trading at 1.72 per square ounce of bullion, and if ye have a high tolerance for risk and crucifixes you can smelt a gold one, rest it on the devil’s forehead, and he’ll turn into a six pence for a fortnight.

For shoe-cobbling stocks, I like Nike. They are releasing their limited edition Air Force One kicks in May. They’re gold!

Commodities cover everything from cattle to diamonds, and colored diamonds have been performing well. Blue diamonds, pink diamonds, and yellow diamonds can’t lose money these days, but they were once coal. When the Tuatha De Danann Tribe of the Gods face off against the Fomorians during the end of days, diamonds will again turn to coal and soon after, dust.

Not gold though, not with its triple-A credit rating from Moody’s on Wall Street.

Last quarter saw food-truck franchises steal market share from fast food stocks as on-the-go diners seek fresher fare, a trend that will likely extend to wineries and artisan beer as upstarts win consumers away from entrenched competitors. But if you’re looking to diversify your portfolio, and escape a pack of headless Dullahan black-fairies—their nightmarish stallions beaming hellfire from their eye sockets as they pine for your mortal soul—a Korean-taco truck yielding a 12% return is not going to help most investors.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came, as you stand ground on your rainbow bridge yelling, “May ye buy high and sell low in hell, ye miserable bastards!”

The Dow and the NASDAQ are the great mover of ships when it comes to the investing world; any adviser is remiss to discount stocks, bonds and annuities’ great gains since the ought-teens. Annuities in particular will continue to appeal to retiring workers who turn away from market volatility toward annuities’ complex blend of guarantees and actuarial models pushing more risk onto Wall Street and away from investors.

But if a talking fox paints an annuity gold, you can’t bite down on it to find it’s just a wooden nickel. That second layer of gold’s reassurance appeals to the staid investor who doesn’t want to risk losing his life savings to semantic anthromorphs.

Oil drilling, natural gas wells, wind, and solar power will all enjoy returns as America pursues an “all of the above” strategy for its energy needs. Meanwhile, the continuing trend of campers being dragged off by tiny ropes, stripped of all but sifters, and forced to mine rivers for gold dust or be turned into farm animals, will put a crimp on the travel industry.

Tariffs will hurt some metals but precious metals, specifically gold, could see increases as high as 3% this quarter if trends continue. It’s shiny… so… so shiny.

U.S. taxes on steel are upsetting Ireland’s leaders and all the snake-infested countries, too. The World Trade Organization is thus forecasting far fewer foreign trades in 2018. These trade protections make the financial landscape ripe for real-life gold farming in your own xenophobic, nationalist society, which after all is why we leprechauns were invented in the first place.

Ain’t I just an adorable, non-threatening Irish immigrant, ye great big lug of an investor ye? Ain’t I?

For all your predictions on bulls, bears, and bog zombies, turn to the stock blog of Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker!

At the time of writing this article, author Rich Hopcroft is not a fully accredited stockbroker, nor are leprechauns likely to be real. Consider consulting with a professional before making trades or consorting with a talking fox.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.