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Fake News

Leaked Notes From Two Friday the 13th Producers Discussing a Sequel

Looks like “Friday the 13th” is outperforming all expectations! It seems we have a bona fide hit on our hands. I believe we have the beginnings of a real horror franchise.

I agree. Audiences are loving the whodunit structure, the camp setting, and all the make-up effects. We’ve really struck a chord with our target demo.

I couldn’t agree more. The trick is to think of how to continue the franchise. As you know, the killer is an old woman avenging the drowning death of her son, Jason. She gets decapitated at the end of the film, so I don’t think we can bring her back.

That does pose a problem.

Now, I’m just spitballing here, but what if Jason never drowned. What if he actually ended up on the other side of the lake and grew up in the woods. Then, when he sees his mother getting decapitated, he goes crazy and now he’s the killer. What do you think?

That is the single dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.


For one, we saw Jason drown in the first film. Several times, actually. Remember when we hired that child actor to put on a mask and flail around in the water? It wouldn’t make any sense that he somehow was able to splash himself all the way to the other side of the lake.

I guess you’re right.

And then he supposedly lives there for decades? Why doesn’t he just wander back to the camp? And even if he’s too slow to find his way back, surely someone would’ve found him. Right?

That’s a good point.

And don’t you think that contradicting Jason’s death would be a complete middle finger to fans of the film? I mean, the killer’s motivation is revenge. She murders all those people because she’s pissed that they let her son drown. That’s the whole point of the movie.

Agreed. But we can treat Jason less like a real person and more like a campfire legend. He survived the lake, and now he’s wandering the woods for years and years looking for his mother. There have been rumors about him around Crystal Lake for decades, and now he’s finally come out… to kill. It sounds pretty epic, right?

So there have been Jason sightings in the woods for years? Like, people have been getting glimpses of him since he was a little kid in swim trunks who washed ashore?


That’s weird. And also, why doesn’t his grieving mother ever hear about that? In the film, we clearly established that she still lived in town and knew all the locals. The audience is supposed to assume that she had no idea? And Jason just stays in the woods? And the one time he actually goes back to camp is the exact moment when his mother is getting decapitated? Seriously, man, none of this makes any sense.

Come on. This is a horror movie. Fans don’t care about fancy things like plot and logic and internal consistency. Besides, we need to get this sequel out to theaters in less than a year.

Okay. Let’s just go with Jason, then.


Should we give him a mask? Like, a hockey mask or something?

Naw. Let’s put a pillowcase over his head. No one’ll mind.

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