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Fake News

Leaked Emails of a Hollywood Executive Desperately Pitching a Coen Brothers Cinematic Universe


Joel, Ethan, hope this email finds you well.

We’re looking into new projects for 2020 and one of the junior execs was trying to impress me with pitches, mostly shit, but one idea seemed promising: “The Coen Brothers Cinematic Universe.”

I know what you’re thinking—why is a big-shot exec interested in our little indie films about weirdos and losers? Here’s the thing: I’ve already made my bones in this town. People trust me, and frankly I’ve already shown what I can do when encouraging auteurs to jump into this multi-film-franchise thing: M. Night’s comeback? My idea.

So let’s talk. Let me know next time you’re in L.A.

Cheers,

Archie Bonderman

Head of Development, Big Brass Films


Hey there C-Bros!

Just wanted to confirm you got my email last week about establishing your own Cinematic Universe. No pressure of course, I’ve just been thinking and I wanted to throw a quick pitch out there. Feel free to respond at your leisure:

It’s the year 2000 in Los Angeles, California, and Walter Sobchak and The Dude are about to make it to the finals, when who should walk into the Bowling Alley but none other than Marge Gunderson! She asks them what they know about Donald Kerabatsos. “Donny was our bowling partner, died of a heart attack.” Says The Dude. “No.” Replies Marge, “Donny was MURDERED.” And thus a sleuthing caper of epic proportions begins!

Even if Frances & Jeff aren’t in, we can always recast—gonna have to do it with Brandt anyway right (RIP Phil, miss him every day. Taken too soon) Quick potentials: Renee Z (Marge) Jack B (Walter), Brad P (The Dude).

Just some idle thoughts. If you’ve got a better idea, love to hear it! Let me know!

Cheers,

Archie Bonderman

Head of Development, Big Brass Films


Hi J & E,

Hey, could you maybe just let me know you’ve read this? Had my assistant reach out to yours but they said you were real busy. No worries—this is more of a long term project – absolutely no rush. BUT if you could maybe do a treatment or even some notes marketing can snazz up for the studio heads, I would be IMMENSELY grateful!!

Jumping off my pitch from before (watch out, SPOILERS haha):

Having discovered “The Jesus” was the one who secretly poisoned Donnie; Walter, The Dude & Marge Gunderson corner him, only to have him KILL WALTER (who takes a bullet for Marge, knowing The Dude has fallen in love with her) and escape. The Jesus flees to West Texas, but accidentally crosses paths with ANTON CHIGURH, who kills him over some personal slight, but is seen by The Dude & Marge. Chigurh who wants no witnesses, and thus a deadly cat and mouse game begins!

Again, all these are just ideas. Anything you think to connect these movies into a multi-verse. You guys have the noggins for offbeat stuff, so let me know! No pressure. None at all! But I’m sure we can make a FORTUNE!!!!

Cheers,

Archie Bonderman

Head of Development, Big Brass Films


Joel,

You seem like the reasonable one. Maybe talk to Ethan. I ran into him in NY last week and he didn’t get the Cinematic Universe thing, kept asking how I knew his favorite deli!!! (Total coincidence, I just happened to be in the area and craving pastrami on rye.) Anyway, I figured I’d pitch one last idea; this would be the END OF PHASE 1 OF THE COEN BROS CINEMATIC UNIVERSE so maybe 4-8 films down the line:

The Jesus, Chigurh, Lorren Visser and Oz Cox escape hell with the POWER OF THE COSMIC BOWLING BALL and returning to plague the newly assembled Detective Agency of Marge & Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski, who solve supernatural crimes with a grown-up Danny Gopnik (now a professor just like his dad) and the ghost of Llewyn Davis.

Their agency is burned to the ground, Llewyn is exorcised and Danny is captured. Marge & Jeff mount a rescue, only to be captured too. But at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND, Llewyn returns from the afterlife with the ghosts of Rooster Cogburn, Buster Scruggs, and Tom Reagan for a BATTLE ROYALE.

This culminates in Marge & Jeff taking control of the COSMIC BOWLING BALL and flying off into outer space. Danny is left alone, so it seems, but a man with an southern accent arrives, asking Danny if he solves crimes. Danny says yes and asks the man his name. “They call me Nathan Arizona Junior.” And we BEGIN PHASE 2.

Whew! I got a rush just writing that!

Like I already said, PLEASE feel free to throw these out & pitch me something FRESH. I included my PERSONAL CELL NUMBER so call ANYTIME DAY OR NIGHT and let me know how we can work this out. SUPER EXCITED TO WORK THIS OUT for all sorts of LUCRATIVE MERCH TIE-INS!!11

Cheers,

Archie Bonderman

Head of Development, Big Brass Films

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