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Fake News

Items that the Hip, Gentrifying Café Sells

Are you attending a birthday party, a Christmas Dinner, or a Bar Mitzvah? Bread & Writer café does not want you to own something that is a little bit (sorry to use the “m” word) mainstream!

At Bread & Writer, innovation, affordability, and practicality are the biodegradable fuel that drives our café’s engine, which is clean-energy of course!

Pictures of People on Holidays
Cost: $90/piece

Instead of selling holiday packages, Bread & Writer has decided to sell pictures of people on holiday. Why travel like most people when you can just live vicariously through these photos? Do you want to go to Bali for a Julia Roberts’s Eat Pray Love holiday? We got that! Or do you just want to head down to Los Angeles like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? We have that too! Maybe you simply want to “discover yourself” in New York like in the film Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts. We got you! Remember, not all who stare into holiday photos are lost…

Extra-Powered Coffee Beans
Cost: $120/bag

Bread & Writer loves coffee! However, mainstream places only help you to stay physically awake. Bread & Writer helps you to stay awake both physically and intellectually! For every purchase of our coffee beans, you are required to read all Judith Butler’s works! Then, indulge yourself in writing a 10,000-word thesis on a deadline. Each packet of coffee comes with the very generous amount of 3 coffee beans.

A Hardcover Mandarin Book On Baby’s Boy Names Under Mao Zhe Dong’s Regime
Cost: $88.88

Why be mainstream parents and settle for a name like John or Peter? Name your son after a Chinese person suffering under an oppressive regime! Grab a copy now and give your son a name that you cannot pronounce! Childless? Fret not! This book will make a perfect gift for your token Chinese friend.

Les Misérables Puzzle
Cost: $99

Bread & Writer offers the complete Les Misérables puzzle set! Not the movie poster, the novel itself! Instead of just reading the book, you get to construct the entire novel from scratch, all 1,400 pages! Many hours of fun!

Non-Metal Recyclable Straws
Cost: $175

Recycling is key at Bread & Writer. However, metal does not cut it for us because it is prone to rustiness! So, we have created a straw made from bricks. Can brick rust? And ask yourself which pig was the most successful in building his house? Purchase this straw today and bring it anywhere you want! To ensure portability, this straw only weighs 44 pounds.

A Coin Purse
Cost: $100

Many coin purses are bulky and heavy so we have decided to eliminate that by having our purse to hold just ONE coin. This coin purse is beautifully made from cloth and added with a final touch of a beautiful quote, “treat yo’ self.” Use this purse and “treat yo self” to the finer things in life! Some customers might be asking, “why is this coin purse and all of your items so expensive?” Great question!

“This Is America” Single CD Without the Music
Cost: $35

Inspired by French philosopher Roland Barthes’s idea that the birth of reader must be at the cost of the death of the author. Bread & Writer has taken the liberty to remove the lyrics and beat of this political anthem. In this 10-second-long track, we will provide you a purely visceral and alternative listening experience with just gunshot sounds. Now, what does this song really mean?

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