We had the incredibly commercially successful Treadmill to Heaven™. It was a treadmill with such impressive gradient it might have felt as if you really were going to meet your maker, and offered therefore not just a one-of-a-kind fitness experience, but a religious one too. Yes, we had to recall most of the units produced due to a malfunction in the gradient throttle but most of our less litigious customers told us they loved the device.
Then we had the Deskmate 5000™, which helped everyday office-workers lift kettle-bells in the comfort of their own cubicles using an automated lever strapped to their biceps. We can proudly say we did our part in ensuring our American workforce has a stronger mid-to-upper arm to compete against our increasingly bicep-obsessed Chinese counterparts. When we lose in the trade war, we’ll at least win the arm-wrestling one.
Then we had the simple but effective Boulder-Ball™, made for throwing into the ground over and over again like a Neanderthal to develop your forearms, finger and neck muscles, a ball so big and heavy it genuinely felt as if there is an actual boulder inside—and there is!
But now we have something different. We have something extraordinary.
While the Treadmill to Heaven™ offered a pious experience, our new creation will offer a metaphysical one. The Dialectical™ offers gym-goers a chance to develop their quads and glutes while at the same time allowing them to engage in dialectical thought in order to overcome their historically ingrained seemingly axiomatic but unfounded dichotomies!
For too long have gyms been a petri dish of big but dumbbell-bench-constrained ideas.
But now that all changes.
Dialectics, the continuous historical movement through initially opposing ideologies, we feel is the encapsulation of the micro-processes already taking place around and on our equipment, thereafter being wiped down with a sweat-towel.
We therefore wanted to build a device which celebrates and mobilises these processes in such a way that would be able to strengthen our users, both physically as well as metaphysically.
This quirky contraption will gyrate you vigorously at great heat while asking you questions about sense-certainty, the super-sensible, master-slave dialecticism, and our ever-progressing collective consciousness and will not stop until the sensors connected to your body tell us that you have developed both physically as well as dialectically. You will have no choice but to grow!
One month into this revolutionary new training programme, you should expect your friends to comment on the delightful shape your biceps have taken. Two months in and you should expect to be able to critically analyse the all-encompassing fundamental nature of Spirit. Three months and your calves should be a common topic of conversation. Four months in and you should be in a state of unalterable catatonia after your realisation that the nature of nature if nature itself.
We will be rolling out our device in our gyms first, beginning 1 November with plenty of Personal Trainers and Hegelian Philosophers on the scene to ensure muscle-mass is developed and sublation (Aufhebung) is occurring.
Phone within the next hour to receive a complimentary copy of Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit.
Phone within the next 30 minutes to receive a complementary tutoring session from a Hegelian Philosopher in great shape.
Phone within the next 30 seconds to get placed on our dialectical payment plan which consists of you paying us the fixed yearly fee, us then refunding you 80%, you then paying us 90% of our refund, and so on, until what is left is the profit we would have made originally.
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