Homepage / Fake News / Incel Burger Has Heard Your Complaints and We’re Sorry
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

Incel Burger Has Heard Your Complaints and We’re Sorry

Here at Incel Burger, we pride ourselves on treating our customers like they’re family. “Hey mom, sorry your parole hearing didn’t go as planned, care for a burger?” “Here comes Papa. He’s still got trench foot, but he could sure use a burger.” “Oh look, it’s my baby brother. He may have the strength of ten full grown men, but babies cannot eat burgers. Just kidding, you can have one too, sport.” If you’ve ever visited one of our locations, you know that these are all greetings our staff is instructed to tell customers as they walk in. It’s just a little touch that we believe makes Incel Burger stand out as a more homey alternative to our competition.

Because of our emphasis on family, we take our customers’ complaints very seriously. Over the past few weeks, we’ve been listening to your criticisms. “The food is always wet for some reason.” “The cooks constantly wrestle each other instead of making food, and if a customer asks them to stop, they get challenged to join the wrestling match.” “Incel Burger is a huge corporation that is not only profiting off of a deeply misogynistic subset of the population through its brand, but also normalizing and giving platform to an unprecedented level of sexist toxicity.” We hear you. We’re going to do better. And it starts with providing you with the freshest ingredients we can offer.

Not only that, but now through the end of the month, with every purchase of an Incel Burger, we’re going to give you a free medium “Girlfriend’s Fingers Fries,” which are, of course, named after their intended purpose of being scraped against your cheek before you eat them so that you can pretend you have a girlfriend, and it is her fingers that are touching your face in a playful/flirty manner.

Call us old-fashioned, but we believe that the suits in Washington D.C. should be the ones who worry about politics. As for us, we’d prefer to focus on providing you with the greatest burger experience we can. So do your best to ignore rumors like, “Incel Burger’s CEO has a penchant for funneling company money directly into a Sasquatch hunting organization that has never found any evidence of Sasquatch, and instead, has inadvertently started numerous wildfires during their searches. Their carelessness has resulted in the destruction of over 20,000 acres of forests in the Pacific Northwest.” Remember, this blunder does not in any way reflect the values of our company. We may not be able to regrow the forests our CEO turned to ash, or even extinguish the rampaging flames that are still going strong at the time of this press release, but we can quench your thirst. That’s why we’re offering you a free medium soft drink, served in a souvenir cup that’s shaped like the screenplay for (500) Days of Summer, with any purchase of $1 or more, now until the end of the month.

Our customers expected better from Incel Burger. We’d like to assure you that there is no one more disappointed in ourselves than us. When we were caught making fake dating profiles using images of our customers taken from our security camera footage, we felt terrible. And when we were caught using those fake dating profiles to catfish unsuspecting individuals in order to send them coupons and invite them on dates to Incel Burger (just to try to get them in our doors in hopes they’d buy something), we felt like absolute horseshit. What we thought was an innovative and revolutionary marketing strategy was actually a colossal breach of your trust, and we are sorry.

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior, especially when it comes from a restaurant that ships its ingredients to our locations fresh, never frozen (because God forbid the one dollar meat patty that takes you 30 seconds to eat was frozen at any point in time) and also makes its own bread in-house. (Our customers love how the tops of each and every one of our buns are branded with the image of our loveable little mascot, The King of the Friendzone.)

As a way to make it up to you, now until the end of the month, we’re going to allow each customer to commit one crime inside our locations, nationwide. Destroy some of our property. Engage in insider trading. Hunt an endangered species. We promise we will not call the cops.

Thank you for the feedback. You are helping us become better. Though we might be making quite a few changes, one thing we will never change is our dedication to serving you the food you love. Also our name. We are not fucking budging on that shit.

Want to improve your writing? Join Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.