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Fake News

I’m The Word “Moist” And I’m Tired Of Everyone Always Cringing Around Me



Hey, it’s me, the word “moist.”

I’m really tired of all you jerks making me out like the bad guy. What, you have nothing better to do than make an innocent word one of the most detested words of all time? It’s as if I’m some treacherous spell-word that will steal your soul if you whisper my name three times in a bathroom mirror.

Fuck off.

You are really the worst. I saw you cringing when your coworker made a chocolate cake and bragged that it was moist. That’s actually a really good thing unless you like your dessert dry and insignificant. So naturally, I was a little taken aback when you started to violently shake and throw up in the trash can.

I have never done anything to wrong you, but yet, you still can’t stand me. In fact, 99% of the time, I’m actually a really great addition to a sentence!

And don’t think I didn’t see you jump out of a moving car when your mother said that for some reason, the inside of the minivan felt moist.

Way to risk your own life by being a pussy.

I mean how do you think that makes me feel? Believe it or not, I have very big feelings. And like, I’m getting really worn down with all of your negativity towards me. I never did anything to hurt you. No, the only thing I’m guilty of is being a misunderstood adjective, trying desperately to pave my way into an exclusive sentence.

Ugh, what do you want me to say? Sorry I don’t make you excited like “efflorescence” or “assemblage?” Sorry I don’t make you swoon like “Onomatopoeia?” Who, by the way, is a real big dickbag, but why would you care? “Onomatopoeia” is much more delightful to say and apparently I make you want to burn your ears off.

Here’s the thing. I’m better off without you. You are so frustrating and judgmental. I have never done anything to wrong you, but yet, you still can’t stand me. In fact, 99% of the time, I’m actually a really great addition to a sentence! I bring so much to the table, and maybe you would see that too if you could stop stabbing your eyes out for one goddamn second.

Whatever. Some people out there really understand the true beauty of who I am, and it’s goddamn refreshing. I mean how could they not? I’m the motherfucking cherry on top of their sundae. I take a regular sentence and turn into pure fucking gold. You think the air outside is a bit damp? Yeah right! Nah, that air is moist. And for all my gardeners out there, you know your crops will thrive in the deep moist soil! And for dinner? Moist pork chops!

Ha! You should see your face right now! It’s as if your whole world came crashing down. It’s as if I told you that all the puppies in the world are now carrying some major infectious disease that is lethal to anybody who so much as looks at their adorable fucking faces.

Ugh, you’re so dramatic.

Whatever, I can’t even believe I’m wasting so much of my precious time defending myself to a birdbrain schmuck like you. From now on, I’m not going to be offended when you writhe in pain from the sound of my name. No, instead, I’ll flourish like the invention of the goddamn wheel. I’ll be the hero of all misunderstood words. I’ll proudly whisper to my friends “phlegm” and “ointment” that your sudden prejudicial and irksome state is because of me.




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