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Fake News

I’m Seven Years Old and You, Kid’s Cuisine, Are My Girlfriend


Mmmm. Sorry, I just woke up from my enforced nap. What time is it? 6:30. Wow. Perfect timing.

Sorry, I always find this weird to say, but I dreamt about you. Oh, come on. I don’t want to say too much. It was a good dream, I’ll say that.

I love this place. Have you ever been to In Front of The Basement TV? Oh, it’s the place to go. They play an incredible Angels in The Outfield on an old Zenith from Goodwill. There’s an appearance from a young Adrien Brody. I’m worried this may be the best role he’ll ever do. Oh, I’m not being catty. I think he’s wonderful.

Of course, not as wonderful as you.

Wow, Mom sure can make a racket about Dad’s infidelity. Those two lovebirds. I hope that doesn’t distract us in any way.

This may seem forward but, looks like Mom left the saran wrap over the top of you. She normally takes it off. Do you mind? There.

Oh! I almost forgot. The free stickers taped to the side of you. Sorry, I’m always rushing.

My word. Two penguin stickers. One surfing. One playing in the sand on the beach. Tells quite a story doesn’t it? I know, I keep saying we’ll go. I just got this promotion to first grade so I really gotta slug it out.

You’re right. It’s the weekend. Stop talking about work. You really ground me.

I—sorry—I’m just so spoiled. I know it’s only a name on a box but when I see “All Star Chicken Nuggets” it validates how hard I’ve been working. Of course, I wouldn’t have any reason to work hard without you.

Look at me. Slow. Take things slow. I’m so stupid. Let me get started on this little pod of corn.

Wow. Is that garlic butter? No? Just water from the frozen corn? Amazing. I hate to talk with food in my mouth, but are you excited for Halloween? I know it’s a couple months away, but I’m seven.

Um, sure. I like to be bad. Sometimes. Why?

I don’t know, I had a long week at school. I don’t know if I’m ready for chocolate pudding just yet. Let me unwind, have a nugget. I mean, come on, I haven’t even touched my mac and cheese!

Jeez. The spoon is made of cookie, huh? I don’t even think my Mom knew that. Let’s—another night? I promise. I just—we’re not even through the first act of Angels. Let me breathe, alright?

Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. Boy, when you take a second you can really hear them fighting up there. I don’t want to be like that. Us. I want us to be good.

One bite, then I go back to the main courses. Deal?

Wait, look: it’s Adrien Brody.

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