Homepage / Fake News / I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass
Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash

Fake News

I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass


My name is William Joseph Redenbacher and I believe there is only one way to eat corn: unpopped. My personal preference is to steal it from a field at midnight and eat it raw while being chased by the farmer who owns the land (this infuses the cob with a sense of danger). But so long as those kernels remain taut and unpopped, however you consume your corn is A-OK with me.

God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders. Preferably these corn holders will look like smaller ears of corn, but they can also be plain or whatever. This is the only way you may eat it.” To pop corn is to shake your fist at God Himself and say, “I know better than you.” It is a sin, on par with murder, theft, and wearing cowboy boots to Church (they are too sexy and you simply do not do this). I would sooner rip the bowtie off my chest (which actually is a growth on my skin in the shape and color of a bowtie that all Redenbacher men are cursed with) than disgrace this crop by advocating for its consumption in an impure form.

So imagine my surprise when I walked in on my son, Orville, heating popcorn kernels on our stovetop. It was one of the biggest betrayals of my life, seeing as he knew I recently started mass marketing my own snack, “William Pretzenbacher’s Salty Yum Yums.” He told me, “It’s okay Dad, people can eat pretzels and popcorn.” I laughed in his face; take me to this magical utopia world where consumers purchase both pretzels and popcorn, because sweetheart, we ain’t living in it. I had only been stabbed in the back this maliciously once before, and it was in high school when my best friend gave me a swirly so bad that the principal made me pay for the damage to the plumbing.

I also know for a fact that Orville made this popcorn as an attempt to murder me. In a moment of weakness, I tried one piece and a kernel got stuck in my gums so badly that I demanded my wife take me to the Emergency Room. If they didn’t have disposable toothbrushes available to patients there, I doubt I would be alive writing this today. Also, the popcorn tasted real shitty. As they whisked me away in the stretcher, I looked at Orville and said as best I could given the oral emergency I was undergoing, “Did you put dog shit in this popcorn? Because it tastes like dog shit.”

It may seem like I am too hard on my son, but that’s only because I want him to excel at what I know he is best at: strapping a harness to his back and pulling a wagon full of passengers who throw wet pretzels at him. Why must the pretzels be wet? Well, wet pretzels make a more satisfying sound when they smack into the flesh than dry pretzels. And that kid can take a wet pretzel to the back of the neck like no one I’ve ever seen. He’s a natural.

I will admit that part of the reason I want him to continue working the Orville-drawn carriage is motivated by my desire to bolster sales of William Pretzenbacher’s Salty Yum Yums (the passengers have to get their wet pretzels from somewhere, and I’m certainly not going to let them bring theirs from home).

Plus, people really love pelting him with wet pretzels. It must be something about his appearance. Probably the bowtie and glasses combo. Total nerd shit. I mean, yeah, I have a bowtie too, obviously. And yeah, I also have glasses, albeit with a much, much stronger prescription than Orville’s. (I ruined my eyesight when I went to a burlesque show as a young man. My eyes shot out of my head upon seeing a particularly sultry entertainer and the doctors say it stretched my corneas to the point of permanently damaging them.) Yet I am not a nerd; I’m totally jacked from all the giant bags of salt that I have to carry to keep my pretzel side-hustle afloat. I can bench like 12 bags of them (which is about 300 pounds).

Just as a father has duties to his son, a son has duties to his father. A father’s job is to provide a roof over his son’s head, for instance. And a son’s job, in turn, is to be indebted to his father for the rest of his life. I’ve held up my end of the bargain, now it’s time for Orville to help papa peddle some pretzels.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish