Homepage / Fake News / I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass
Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers

Fake News

I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass



My name is William Joseph Redenbacher and I believe there is only one way to eat corn: unpopped. My personal preference is to steal it from a field at midnight and eat it raw while being chased by the farmer who owns the land (this infuses the cob with a sense of danger). But so long as those kernels remain taut and unpopped, however you consume your corn is A-OK with me.

God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders. Preferably these corn holders will look like smaller ears of corn, but they can also be plain or whatever. This is the only way you may eat it.” To pop corn is to shake your fist at God Himself and say, “I know better than you.” It is a sin, on par with murder, theft, and wearing cowboy boots to Church (they are too sexy and you simply do not do this). I would sooner rip the bowtie off my chest (which actually is a growth on my skin in the shape and color of a bowtie that all Redenbacher men are cursed with) than disgrace this crop by advocating for its consumption in an impure form.

So imagine my surprise when I walked in on my son, Orville, heating popcorn kernels on our stovetop. It was one of the biggest betrayals of my life, seeing as he knew I recently started mass marketing my own snack, “William Pretzenbacher’s Salty Yum Yums.” He told me, “It’s okay Dad, people can eat pretzels and popcorn.” I laughed in his face; take me to this magical utopia world where consumers purchase both pretzels and popcorn, because sweetheart, we ain’t living in it. I had only been stabbed in the back this maliciously once before, and it was in high school when my best friend gave me a swirly so bad that the principal made me pay for the damage to the plumbing.

I also know for a fact that Orville made this popcorn as an attempt to murder me. In a moment of weakness, I tried one piece and a kernel got stuck in my gums so badly that I demanded my wife take me to the Emergency Room. If they didn’t have disposable toothbrushes available to patients there, I doubt I would be alive writing this today. Also, the popcorn tasted real shitty. As they whisked me away in the stretcher, I looked at Orville and said as best I could given the oral emergency I was undergoing, “Did you put dog shit in this popcorn? Because it tastes like dog shit.”

It may seem like I am too hard on my son, but that’s only because I want him to excel at what I know he is best at: strapping a harness to his back and pulling a wagon full of passengers who throw wet pretzels at him. Why must the pretzels be wet? Well, wet pretzels make a more satisfying sound when they smack into the flesh than dry pretzels. And that kid can take a wet pretzel to the back of the neck like no one I’ve ever seen. He’s a natural.

I will admit that part of the reason I want him to continue working the Orville-drawn carriage is motivated by my desire to bolster sales of William Pretzenbacher’s Salty Yum Yums (the passengers have to get their wet pretzels from somewhere, and I’m certainly not going to let them bring theirs from home).

Plus, people really love pelting him with wet pretzels. It must be something about his appearance. Probably the bowtie and glasses combo. Total nerd shit. I mean, yeah, I have a bowtie too, obviously. And yeah, I also have glasses, albeit with a much, much stronger prescription than Orville’s. (I ruined my eyesight when I went to a burlesque show as a young man. My eyes shot out of my head upon seeing a particularly sultry entertainer and the doctors say it stretched my corneas to the point of permanently damaging them.) Yet I am not a nerd; I’m totally jacked from all the giant bags of salt that I have to carry to keep my pretzel side-hustle afloat. I can bench like 12 bags of them (which is about 300 pounds).

Just as a father has duties to his son, a son has duties to his father. A father’s job is to provide a roof over his son’s head, for instance. And a son’s job, in turn, is to be indebted to his father for the rest of his life. I’ve held up my end of the bargain, now it’s time for Orville to help papa peddle some pretzels.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish