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Fake News

I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session

Few things are as important to me as our marriage. And by “few” I mean just one: Fortnite. The best way to get things back on track in the ol’ wedded-bliss category is a solid three days of the wildly popular video game, Fortnite.

And, I only have a few seconds before the battle bus drops me down to the map, but I want you to know that during these last, few precious moments, I am all yours.

So let’s lock eyes and sit here in silence, enjoying the glow of our 100-inch 4K TV and the comforting purr of the fan of our new XBox One. Where did these new treasures come from? Why the Maui anniversary vacation budget, of course.

Boy, I must be slipping. I just described our beautiful, enduring relationship as a zero-sum game? Even BonerzTaunts would look down on that.

And, now, I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questions but Fortnite has taught me that silence is an effective strategy. And my new best bros, FragStewie_247 and BonerTauntz agree.

Plus, I don’t want FragStewie_247 or BonerTauntz to clown on me for having a girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Where’s my head? I mean wife. Wife. Because that’s what we are husband and wife.

And a wife is a terrific thing but FragStewie_247 has had it rough with the ladies in his middle school lately and after offering some advice (stay away from girls until you’re older, Stew, you wild man!) I don’t want him to start thinking of CasanovaCommando (that’s me, btw) any differently.

I’m sure you understand. Unless you don’t. Which, I also absolutely understand.

The seconds are just drifting, aren’t they? Wow. Soon, I’ll be drifting down to the island in the company of a 100 players, all vying for that top spot. Battle Royale mode is no joke. It’s everyone against everyone until the end. And just between you and me, if the boys and I are in the final three? Well, BonerzTaunts is getting one in the back. And so is FragStewie_247 for that matter because all that matters to me is…you.

Yes, of course. You! That’s right. And it’s only the lust for simulated battle that made me hesitate. The desire to lurk inside a bush armed with a rocket launcher waiting for some n00b to stroll along and declare themselves unworthy to go on living for a second longer…and well the seconds just seem to last forever in your presence darling. Aren’t we lucky? Aren’t we on the right path? The path that in 72 hours leads away from the Storm, a.k.a. marriage problems, that are closing in like a noose?

Wow. Did I just compare our marriage to an incoming storm? That doesn’t sound accurate. At all.

No, our marriage is like one of those elaborate buildings in the game. First, we destroy everything of value around in it and then we build an awesome, towering fort that’s just for us. And then we wait as the rest of the players just tear each other apart until it’s only you and I—and then we realize that someone has to win.

Boy, I must be slipping. I just described our beautiful, enduring relationship as a zero-sum game? Even BonerzTaunts would look down on that. And I should listen to him more because he’s always had my back—just like you’ve had my back since I decided that I needed to dedicate the next 72 hours of my life to Fortnite even though it meant missing your parent’s anniversary celebration in Newport Beach. Right?

I’ll take your smile through gritted teeth as a “yes.”

Yep, this relationship is built on a solid foundation. Two people who love. Two people who care. Two people who tango in the night.

But when one of that pair decides they need to head off to a spontaneous 72-hour yoga retreat in Malibu that’s taught by young, svelte, hairless Simeon? Well, the only way to sensibly address this imbalance is for the other person to spend 72 solid hours, sweating bullets as he tries to claim the top spot in a virtual game as a way to bury his feelings.

I hope you’ll be here when I get back. I don’t want this condo to, in just three days, transform itself into the Lonely Lodge.

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