Frodo and Sam
FRODO: I’m so tired…I don’t think I can make it to Mordor.
SAM: No worries, I’ll call an Uber.
Aragorn and Arwen
ARWEN: The Elves will never acknowledge our love.
ARAGORN: Not if we announce our marriage on Twitter and it gets retweeted by Oprah.
ARWEN: Hm, you really think that’ll work?
ARAGORN: Nah, but it’s worth a shot.
Gandalf and Saruman
GANDALF: I can’t believe you betrayed us!
SARUMAN: I gazed into the all-seeing, swirling stone ball and foresaw Middle-Earth’s destruction. I might as well join Sauron and—
GANDALF: Um, you’re still using the Palantír? I’ve been using Google Street View.
SARUMAN: Oh…I don’t know what that is. Is it better than MapQuest?
Frodo and The Witch-king of Angmar
WITCH-KING: Give us back Sauron’s ring or I’ll stab you with this really rusty sword!
FRODO: Please don’t, I’ll do anything else!
WITCH-KING: Hm, what do you have in mind?
FRODO: Um, I’ll give you four bitcoins.
WITCH-KING: You know what, that works for me!
Legolas and Gimli
LEGOLAS: Just admit it, you’ll never beat my Orc kill count.
GIMLI: I will if I hire TaskRabbits.
Gandalf and the Balrog
GANDALF: You shall not pass!
Gandalf slams the ground with his staff.
BALROG: Look, this is literally the only route through the mines of Moria. Just look at Waze!
The Balrog gestures at his iPhone clumsily, almost dropping it into the abyss.
GANDALF: Wait, really?
Gandalf walks over and looks at the Balrog’s iPhone.
GANDALF: I could have sworn I saw another route on Apple Maps.
BALROG: Apple Maps! Dude that’s almost as bad as MapQuest.
GANDALF: Well…carry on then. Just don’t kill everyone.
Sméagol and Sam
SAM: I don’t trust you.
SMÉAGOL: But I just got verified on Twitter!
SMÉAGOL: What will it take for you to finally trust me, fat Hobbit?
SAM: I don’t know.
SMÉAGOL: At least give me a chance. I mean, have you even listened to my podcast? My Preciouses?
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli
ARAGORN: We’re catching up to the Uruk-Hai! Just one more day and we’ll finally rescue Merry and Pippin.
GIMLI: Hm, maybe we should just use Find My Friends? That app?
LEGOLAS: Um, that’s kind of creepy, dude.
ARAGORN: Yeah, that’s, like, super creepy.
GIMLI: Fine, let’s just continue blindly jogging through Middle-Earth forever. Pricks.
Boromir and Frodo
BOROMIR: Give me the ring! We can use it to save all of Gondor and even Middle-Earth.
FRODO: How about I instead give you four bitcoins?
BOROMIR: Do you want all of Middle-Earth to die and—wait, did you say bitcoins?
BOROMIR: Hmm, let me check the price… nope, not worth it.
Gollum and Sméagol
GOLLUM: Master is a tricksy hobbit!
SMÉAGOL: No, master’s our friend! He even added me on Facebook!
GOLLUM: Facebook is false and tricksy! Just look at the 2016 election!
SMÉAGOL: Not listening, not listening! Master also watches all of my Instagram stories!
GOLLUM: Really? Maybe Master really is your friend.
SMÉAGOL: …I wish I could unfriend you.
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