Homepage / Fake News / If Tolkien’s Middle-Earth Had Technology
“Sopranos” Episodes I Saw in a Fever Dream Trump: Ouija Spirits Link McCain to Recent Boeing Crashes This Rapper Is Revolutionizing Ad-Libs Donald J Trump, Philanthropist and Humanitarian, is Dead at Age 87 Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029

Fake News

If Tolkien’s Middle-Earth Had Technology


Frodo and Sam

FRODO: I’m so tired…I don’t think I can make it to Mordor.

SAM: No worries, I’ll call an Uber.


Aragorn and Arwen

ARWEN: The Elves will never acknowledge our love.

ARAGORN: Not if we announce our marriage on Twitter and it gets retweeted by Oprah.

ARWEN: Hm, you really think that’ll work?

ARAGORN: Nah, but it’s worth a shot.


Gandalf and Saruman

GANDALF: I can’t believe you betrayed us!

SARUMAN: I gazed into the all-seeing, swirling stone ball and foresaw Middle-Earth’s destruction. I might as well join Sauron and—

GANDALF: Um, you’re still using the Palantír? I’ve been using Google Street View.

SARUMAN: Oh…I don’t know what that is. Is it better than MapQuest?


Frodo and The Witch-king of Angmar

WITCH-KING: Give us back Sauron’s ring or I’ll stab you with this really rusty sword!

FRODO: Please don’t, I’ll do anything else!

WITCH-KING: Hm, what do you have in mind?

FRODO: Um, I’ll give you four bitcoins.

WITCH-KING: You know what, that works for me!


Legolas and Gimli

LEGOLAS: Just admit it, you’ll never beat my Orc kill count.

GIMLI: I will if I hire TaskRabbits.


Gandalf and the Balrog

GANDALF: You shall not pass!

Gandalf slams the ground with his staff.

BALROG: Look, this is literally the only route through the mines of Moria. Just look at Waze!

The Balrog gestures at his iPhone clumsily, almost dropping it into the abyss.

GANDALF: Wait, really?

Gandalf walks over and looks at the Balrog’s iPhone.

GANDALF: I could have sworn I saw another route on Apple Maps.

BALROG: Apple Maps! Dude that’s almost as bad as MapQuest.

GANDALF: Well…carry on then. Just don’t kill everyone.


Sméagol and Sam

SAM: I don’t trust you.

SMÉAGOL: But I just got verified on Twitter!

SAM: …congrats?

SMÉAGOL: What will it take for you to finally trust me, fat Hobbit?

SAM: I don’t know.

SMÉAGOL: At least give me a chance. I mean, have you even listened to my podcast? My Preciouses?


Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli

ARAGORN: We’re catching up to the Uruk-Hai! Just one more day and we’ll finally rescue Merry and Pippin.

GIMLI: Hm, maybe we should just use Find My Friends? That app?

LEGOLAS: Um, that’s kind of creepy, dude.

ARAGORN: Yeah, that’s, like, super creepy.

GIMLI: Fine, let’s just continue blindly jogging through Middle-Earth forever. Pricks.


Boromir and Frodo

BOROMIR: Give me the ring! We can use it to save all of Gondor and even Middle-Earth.

FRODO: How about I instead give you four bitcoins?

BOROMIR: Do you want all of Middle-Earth to die and—wait, did you say bitcoins?

FRODO: Yes.

BOROMIR: Hmm, let me check the price… nope, not worth it.


Gollum and Sméagol

GOLLUM: Master is a tricksy hobbit!

SMÉAGOL: No, master’s our friend! He even added me on Facebook!

GOLLUM: Facebook is false and tricksy! Just look at the 2016 election!

SMÉAGOL: Not listening, not listening! Master also watches all of my Instagram stories!

GOLLUM: Really? Maybe Master really is your friend.

SMÉAGOL: …I wish I could unfriend you.


Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish