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Fake News

If Tolkien’s Middle-Earth Had Technology

Frodo and Sam

FRODO: I’m so tired…I don’t think I can make it to Mordor.

SAM: No worries, I’ll call an Uber.

Aragorn and Arwen

ARWEN: The Elves will never acknowledge our love.

ARAGORN: Not if we announce our marriage on Twitter and it gets retweeted by Oprah.

ARWEN: Hm, you really think that’ll work?

ARAGORN: Nah, but it’s worth a shot.

Gandalf and Saruman

GANDALF: I can’t believe you betrayed us!

SARUMAN: I gazed into the all-seeing, swirling stone ball and foresaw Middle-Earth’s destruction. I might as well join Sauron and—

GANDALF: Um, you’re still using the Palantír? I’ve been using Google Street View.

SARUMAN: Oh…I don’t know what that is. Is it better than MapQuest?

Frodo and The Witch-king of Angmar

WITCH-KING: Give us back Sauron’s ring or I’ll stab you with this really rusty sword!

FRODO: Please don’t, I’ll do anything else!

WITCH-KING: Hm, what do you have in mind?

FRODO: Um, I’ll give you four bitcoins.

WITCH-KING: You know what, that works for me!

Legolas and Gimli

LEGOLAS: Just admit it, you’ll never beat my Orc kill count.

GIMLI: I will if I hire TaskRabbits.

Gandalf and the Balrog

GANDALF: You shall not pass!

Gandalf slams the ground with his staff.

BALROG: Look, this is literally the only route through the mines of Moria. Just look at Waze!

The Balrog gestures at his iPhone clumsily, almost dropping it into the abyss.

GANDALF: Wait, really?

Gandalf walks over and looks at the Balrog’s iPhone.

GANDALF: I could have sworn I saw another route on Apple Maps.

BALROG: Apple Maps! Dude that’s almost as bad as MapQuest.

GANDALF: Well…carry on then. Just don’t kill everyone.

Sméagol and Sam

SAM: I don’t trust you.

SMÉAGOL: But I just got verified on Twitter!

SAM: …congrats?

SMÉAGOL: What will it take for you to finally trust me, fat Hobbit?

SAM: I don’t know.

SMÉAGOL: At least give me a chance. I mean, have you even listened to my podcast? My Preciouses?

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli

ARAGORN: We’re catching up to the Uruk-Hai! Just one more day and we’ll finally rescue Merry and Pippin.

GIMLI: Hm, maybe we should just use Find My Friends? That app?

LEGOLAS: Um, that’s kind of creepy, dude.

ARAGORN: Yeah, that’s, like, super creepy.

GIMLI: Fine, let’s just continue blindly jogging through Middle-Earth forever. Pricks.

Boromir and Frodo

BOROMIR: Give me the ring! We can use it to save all of Gondor and even Middle-Earth.

FRODO: How about I instead give you four bitcoins?

BOROMIR: Do you want all of Middle-Earth to die and—wait, did you say bitcoins?


BOROMIR: Hmm, let me check the price… nope, not worth it.

Gollum and Sméagol

GOLLUM: Master is a tricksy hobbit!

SMÉAGOL: No, master’s our friend! He even added me on Facebook!

GOLLUM: Facebook is false and tricksy! Just look at the 2016 election!

SMÉAGOL: Not listening, not listening! Master also watches all of my Instagram stories!

GOLLUM: Really? Maybe Master really is your friend.

SMÉAGOL: …I wish I could unfriend you.

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