Homepage / Fake News / If Ghosts Aren’t Real, How Do You Explain the Eviction Notice That Mysteriously Appeared on My Door?
The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’

Fake News

If Ghosts Aren’t Real, How Do You Explain the Eviction Notice That Mysteriously Appeared on My Door?


I’ve heard all the doubters:

  • “Ghosts aren’t real.”
  • “There is no credible evidence.”
  • “It says here that you got your master’s degree from Dartmouth College in Paranormal Studies, but I looked online and there is no such area of study there. Why would you lie about something on your resume that I could so easily check? You must be some kind of big idiot. Either that or you think I’M a big idiot. Well, which is it, buddy? You got five seconds to answer before I lay the hurt down on you.”

I hear this every single day.

Yet unlike my master’s degree or my claims that I can taste the difference between bottled water brands, ghosts are 100% real… and I’ve got a mountain of evidence to prove it.

Take, for instance, the eviction notice that was left on my apartment’s door. Where could such a document have come from? I have an excellent relationship with my landlord, and he would never try to evict me, even though I am many months late on the rent. In fact, my relationship with my landlord is so good that I asked him if he would do me the honor of marrying my recently widowed mother. (When my parents kicked me out of their house, I learned that sometimes your daddy doesn’t want to be your landlord. When my landlord declined to marry my mother, I learned sometimes your landlord doesn’t want to be your daddy.) I have theorized that these mysterious eviction notices may be related to ectoplasm, as both share the characteristic of occasionally being left behind following a paranormal experience.

Some of you may be thinking, “That’s pretty compelling evidence, but one thing alone doesn’t necessarily prove the existence of ghosts.” That’s a fair point. I will counter by asking you to explain how I ended up on the “No Fly List,” despite the fact that I am SUCH a considerate passenger that the last time I was on a plane, I made my way into the cockpit to take over for the captain so he could take a break. He was such a workaholic, I had to wrestle the controls away from him!

I’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only reason I could come up with for ending up on such a list is that ghosts of hackers infiltrated the government’s website and wrongfully sullied my good name by making me out to be some sort of troublemaker.

It’s fairly obvious why a ghost hacker would target me, given the fact that my athletic prowess makes me a natural enemy to nerds, i.e. hackers. I’m everything a ghost hacker is not: alive and good at sports. It’s just unfortunate that I can’t cite any specific examples of how physically fit I am. Throughout grade school, I had the worst luck and came down with a sinus headache each year when we had to run the mile, so I couldn’t participate (even though I had done it in under five minutes when I practiced by myself). And now that I’m an adult, I’m too busy doing taxes and stuff to run the mile or shoot hoops or whatever, even though I’m really good at those things.

Perhaps the juiciest example I have for the evidence of ghosts is how none of the agencies that I’ve sent my screenplay to have contacted me. I have a hard time believing that Hollywood bigwigs could ignore a script entitled, “Baby Cop: The Cop Who is an Infant That Will Also Fixes Race Relations Between the Police and Civilians.” The thing is a guaranteed moneymaker!

It should be clear to everyone what is going on here: agents are reading my script and Loving it with a capital L, but as soon as they start drafting up emails where they agree to take me on as their client, a ghost possesses them. Obviously, it is the ghosts who email me videos of agents throwing my script into garbage cans and lighting it on fire. Sometimes they’ll be saying things like, “This script is so bad I’m risking burning down the entire building just to make sure it never gets seen by anyone else.”

Total ghost move. They probably died having never made it in Hollywood, so they haunt talent agencies. Whenever they see an amazing script written by a hot new 57-year-old talent, they can’t wait to sabotage it out of pure jealousy. It’s pathetic really; even in death, the haters just keep hating.

Life is filled with phenomena that science cannot explain. That’s because science sucks ass. The eggheads may disagree, but screw them. Are you going to listen to some dweebs whose favorite things to wear are goggles and white lab coats? I bet those lab coats don’t even have a single mustard or Pepto Bismol stain on them. How can someone like that appeal to the common man? Instead, take it from me, a man who wears several skull-shaped rings and whose hair always looks wet for some reason: ghosts are real, and every single time something bad happens to you, a ghost is probably to blame.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish