Homepage / Fake News / I Want to Settle Down and Get Married But I’m Trapped in the San Diego Zoo’s Rhino Cage, Okay Mom?
Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ List: Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood Indoctrinate-TED Parking a Giant Robot is Hard Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die Dating By Invitation Only GPS Lite: The Navigation System That Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going Must Really Suck Being A Democrat These Days Help! I’m the Cialis Guy and I’m Trapped in an Eli Roth Film Fourth Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content The Swimsuit Issue L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars

Fake News

I Want to Settle Down and Get Married But I’m Trapped in the San Diego Zoo’s Rhino Cage, Okay Mom?



Mom, would you stop?

I’M TRYING, OKAY?!

I don’t want to be single, geez. I actually want to settle down and get married, alright? Stop telling all of your friends that “Jesse never puts himself out there” and that “Jesse basically wants to live alone forever.”

That’s not even true. It might be for others. Not for me though, mom. I’m trying. I do want to get married. But I’m also stuck in the San Diego Zoo’s rhinoceros cage and it’s way harder to meet women in here.

First of all, there are zero women in the rhino cage, mom. Zero. During the 744 days I have been in here, there have literally been zero women in here with me. I’m actually the only person in here, mom. It’s just Jesse and 14 rhinos.

Oh, please, not with this again. I know you and dad met at a salsa dancing class. You tell me this story like every other day. Why don’t I sign up for a class and meet my very own Latin lover? First, please stop calling dad your “Latin lover.” Gross. Second, I don’t live in New York City! I live in a 1200-sqare-foot rhino pit. The community of salsa dancers falling in love with each other? That doesn’t exist!

Please, just for a moment, look around the rhino enclosure I live in. You can see it all without even using your peripherals. All there is in this place is some grass and some poop. That’s it. Nothing else.

What do you mean I’m not really trying? If I really wanted to find a nice, single lady in the rhino cage, I would have? Cousin Reggie found a nice girl in his circumstances? Mom, he doesn’t live inside a rhino cage! He lives in North Dakota. That’s not the same thing!

People are staring at us, mom! You’re embarrassing me! Please, I can’t take this right now.

I thought you were visiting to relax and spend time with your son? Why did you fly out and buy a $299 All-Inclusive Weekend pass if you were just going to bombard me with questions about my love life? We could have done this over the phone.

Oh, come on. Please don’t use me saying the word “phone” to segue into online dating. Mom, you’re really reaching for it now.

Yes, I’m on all the online dating sites. No, mom, there isn’t a dating application exclusively for single men stuck in rhino cages. I know there’s an application for everything, but there isn’t one for that! Why not? I don’t know, mom. No, don’t text cousin Reggie about creating this application. It’s so embarrassing. I don’t need a dating application that’s made entirely for me to find love!

I found love with Emily?

Wait. How do you know about Emily? Really? Sarah told you? Geez, she can’t keep anything to herself.

Well, I didn’t find love. We’re no longer seeing each other. It didn’t work out, okay? Can you please not pry into it? Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I really don’t, Mom.

Ugh. Hmph. Fine. You really want to know? She said she wasn’t romantically satisfied with our relationship.

No, it’s not because I didn’t buy her flowers, mom! Romantically satisfied, mom. Get it?

No, it’s not because I didn’t say “I love you” to her, mom! Romantically satisfied. Romantically. Understand?

Oh my god, mom! Are you serious? SEX. We couldn’t have sex, mom!

I told you. You’re the one that asked…

Anyways, can we talk about something else now? Maybe simply enjoy the rest of our weekend together?

One last thing? You promise? Promise-promise? Fine. Okay.

Oh, no. Please, no. You didn’t, Mom. She’s here now?

I don’t care if she’s your best friend’s daughter. Please don’t do this, Mom. Tell her that I’m not feeling well or something. Does she know I’m inside the rhino cage?

She doesn’t? Oh my god, MOM! How do you think she’s going to react? Ah! MOM! Ugh. Why me?

She’s coming over now? That’s her? Oh god. Mom, where are you going? No, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this. No. No…

Oh. Hi. Hey. I’m Jesse. It’s nice to meet you. I’m a rhino! Just joking! Oh god. That was a dumb joke. Oh god. I’m so sorry…




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish