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Fake News

I Want to Settle Down and Get Married But I’m Trapped in the San Diego Zoo’s Rhino Cage, Okay Mom?



Mom, would you stop?

I’M TRYING, OKAY?!

I don’t want to be single, geez. I actually want to settle down and get married, alright? Stop telling all of your friends that “Jesse never puts himself out there” and that “Jesse basically wants to live alone forever.”

That’s not even true. It might be for others. Not for me though, mom. I’m trying. I do want to get married. But I’m also stuck in the San Diego Zoo’s rhinoceros cage and it’s way harder to meet women in here.

First of all, there are zero women in the rhino cage, mom. Zero. During the 744 days I have been in here, there have literally been zero women in here with me. I’m actually the only person in here, mom. It’s just Jesse and 14 rhinos.

Oh, please, not with this again. I know you and dad met at a salsa dancing class. You tell me this story like every other day. Why don’t I sign up for a class and meet my very own Latin lover? First, please stop calling dad your “Latin lover.” Gross. Second, I don’t live in New York City! I live in a 1200-sqare-foot rhino pit. The community of salsa dancers falling in love with each other? That doesn’t exist!

Please, just for a moment, look around the rhino enclosure I live in. You can see it all without even using your peripherals. All there is in this place is some grass and some poop. That’s it. Nothing else.

What do you mean I’m not really trying? If I really wanted to find a nice, single lady in the rhino cage, I would have? Cousin Reggie found a nice girl in his circumstances? Mom, he doesn’t live inside a rhino cage! He lives in North Dakota. That’s not the same thing!

People are staring at us, mom! You’re embarrassing me! Please, I can’t take this right now.

I thought you were visiting to relax and spend time with your son? Why did you fly out and buy a $299 All-Inclusive Weekend pass if you were just going to bombard me with questions about my love life? We could have done this over the phone.

Oh, come on. Please don’t use me saying the word “phone” to segue into online dating. Mom, you’re really reaching for it now.

Yes, I’m on all the online dating sites. No, mom, there isn’t a dating application exclusively for single men stuck in rhino cages. I know there’s an application for everything, but there isn’t one for that! Why not? I don’t know, mom. No, don’t text cousin Reggie about creating this application. It’s so embarrassing. I don’t need a dating application that’s made entirely for me to find love!

I found love with Emily?

Wait. How do you know about Emily? Really? Sarah told you? Geez, she can’t keep anything to herself.

Well, I didn’t find love. We’re no longer seeing each other. It didn’t work out, okay? Can you please not pry into it? Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I really don’t, Mom.

Ugh. Hmph. Fine. You really want to know? She said she wasn’t romantically satisfied with our relationship.

No, it’s not because I didn’t buy her flowers, mom! Romantically satisfied, mom. Get it?

No, it’s not because I didn’t say “I love you” to her, mom! Romantically satisfied. Romantically. Understand?

Oh my god, mom! Are you serious? SEX. We couldn’t have sex, mom!

I told you. You’re the one that asked…

Anyways, can we talk about something else now? Maybe simply enjoy the rest of our weekend together?

One last thing? You promise? Promise-promise? Fine. Okay.

Oh, no. Please, no. You didn’t, Mom. She’s here now?

I don’t care if she’s your best friend’s daughter. Please don’t do this, Mom. Tell her that I’m not feeling well or something. Does she know I’m inside the rhino cage?

She doesn’t? Oh my god, MOM! How do you think she’s going to react? Ah! MOM! Ugh. Why me?

She’s coming over now? That’s her? Oh god. Mom, where are you going? No, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this. No. No…

Oh. Hi. Hey. I’m Jesse. It’s nice to meet you. I’m a rhino! Just joking! Oh god. That was a dumb joke. Oh god. I’m so sorry…




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