Homepage / Fake News / I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material

Fake News

I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works

Point: I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch

By Roger Glencoe

Listen up, you bastard, I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but if you so much as touch a single hair on my daughter’s head, there will be hell to pay. Let me make one thing crystal clear: That kid is the most important thing in the world to me, and I will do whatever it takes to bring her home. I want my daughter back, you son of a bitch.

I want her back right now!

Whoever you are, you picked the wrong father to mess with. I don’t think you fully comprehend just how much my daughter means to me, or what I’d be willing to sacrifice to see her again. Maybe a lowlife prick like you wouldn’t understand, but that girl is the light of my life. She’s all I’ve got! Do you hear me? Do you fucking hear me? With God as my witness, I will do everything in my power to ensure she comes home safe and sound.

I won’t stop, I won’t rest, and if necessary, I will give my own life to save hers. I swear, if you lay a hand on her, I will… I… Oh, Christ! How could you do this? Why did you take her? She’s just a little girl!

I hope you realize this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. Mark my words, I will get my sweet angel back if it’s the last thing I ever do.

Counterpoint: Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works

By Bob Messer

Oh, wow. You want your daughter back? My goodness, I am so surprised! I mean, it’s almost as if I took something of value from you, and now you want it returned. Gee, I wish there were some way we could come together and make this right. I honestly do. Wait—maybe, if you have a lot of something that I want, we could work out some kind of exchange? You know, because that’s the way kidnapping works?

It’s called a ransom, you fucking idiot.

Clearly, you’re having some trouble following along with what’s happening here, so let me put it into terms even a dumbass can understand: You say your daughter is the most important thing in the world to you. That’s great! I was banking on that. Looks like I did my job right. Now, have you ever been to a store? I assume even a stupid piece of shit like you understands how stores work. You pay money for stuff and then you get to take it home. Well, it’s the same thing with your daughter here.

When you say I don’t understand what you’d be willing to sacrifice for her, that’s not entirely true. I actually have an exact number in mind, because I scoped out your house for weeks to figure out what kind of money you have. Of course, after hearing you go on and on about how much your daughter means to you, I should probably ask for even more.

I’ll go ahead and walk you through the remaining steps of the transaction, since you don’t seem to have a fucking clue: I currently have a person who is very important to you, so you’re going to give me money. What do you think happens next?

Duh, I let you have the kid! Believe me, I’m not trying to keep her any longer than necessary.

I have to admit I’m baffled as to why you didn’t understand any of this. You got the instructions, right? It’s all there in the note I left. The part that talks about how if you ever want to see your daughter alive again, you need to take the cash to the drop-off point—did that not register? Did that not get through your thick skull? Now get yourself down to the ATM.

It’s obvious I’m dealing with a goddamn moron when I’m being asked why I would take a little girl. Why the hell do you think? Ten-year-old girls are small and easy to grab. My whole objective here is to get a bunch of money and not get caught. I’m not going to kidnap someone who might be capable of putting up a serious fight.

So are we on the same page now? Finally? If you’re still not getting how this kidnapping thing works, please feel free to ask, but do it quick. I don’t want to have to cut off your daughter’s ear off or something.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.