Homepage / Fake News / I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works
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Fake News

I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works


Point: I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch

By Roger Glencoe

Listen up, you bastard, I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but if you so much as touch a single hair on my daughter’s head, there will be hell to pay. Let me make one thing crystal clear: That kid is the most important thing in the world to me, and I will do whatever it takes to bring her home. I want my daughter back, you son of a bitch.

I want her back right now!

Whoever you are, you picked the wrong father to mess with. I don’t think you fully comprehend just how much my daughter means to me, or what I’d be willing to sacrifice to see her again. Maybe a lowlife prick like you wouldn’t understand, but that girl is the light of my life. She’s all I’ve got! Do you hear me? Do you fucking hear me? With God as my witness, I will do everything in my power to ensure she comes home safe and sound.

I won’t stop, I won’t rest, and if necessary, I will give my own life to save hers. I swear, if you lay a hand on her, I will… I… Oh, Christ! How could you do this? Why did you take her? She’s just a little girl!

I hope you realize this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. Mark my words, I will get my sweet angel back if it’s the last thing I ever do.


Counterpoint: Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works

By Bob Messer

Oh, wow. You want your daughter back? My goodness, I am so surprised! I mean, it’s almost as if I took something of value from you, and now you want it returned. Gee, I wish there were some way we could come together and make this right. I honestly do. Wait—maybe, if you have a lot of something that I want, we could work out some kind of exchange? You know, because that’s the way kidnapping works?

It’s called a ransom, you fucking idiot.

Clearly, you’re having some trouble following along with what’s happening here, so let me put it into terms even a dumbass can understand: You say your daughter is the most important thing in the world to you. That’s great! I was banking on that. Looks like I did my job right. Now, have you ever been to a store? I assume even a stupid piece of shit like you understands how stores work. You pay money for stuff and then you get to take it home. Well, it’s the same thing with your daughter here.

When you say I don’t understand what you’d be willing to sacrifice for her, that’s not entirely true. I actually have an exact number in mind, because I scoped out your house for weeks to figure out what kind of money you have. Of course, after hearing you go on and on about how much your daughter means to you, I should probably ask for even more.

I’ll go ahead and walk you through the remaining steps of the transaction, since you don’t seem to have a fucking clue: I currently have a person who is very important to you, so you’re going to give me money. What do you think happens next?

Duh, I let you have the kid! Believe me, I’m not trying to keep her any longer than necessary.

I have to admit I’m baffled as to why you didn’t understand any of this. You got the instructions, right? It’s all there in the note I left. The part that talks about how if you ever want to see your daughter alive again, you need to take the cash to the drop-off point—did that not register? Did that not get through your thick skull? Now get yourself down to the ATM.

It’s obvious I’m dealing with a goddamn moron when I’m being asked why I would take a little girl. Why the hell do you think? Ten-year-old girls are small and easy to grab. My whole objective here is to get a bunch of money and not get caught. I’m not going to kidnap someone who might be capable of putting up a serious fight.

So are we on the same page now? Finally? If you’re still not getting how this kidnapping thing works, please feel free to ask, but do it quick. I don’t want to have to cut off your daughter’s ear off or something.




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