Homepage / Fake News / I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Fake News

I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason

I currently live with three roommates, and all of us attend the college down the street. We started off as the best of friends, but lately, my roommates have been a bit hostile towards me. They even suggested I look for somewhere else to sleep every once in a while. At least I took it as a suggestion. They say it was more of a demand. And that it was less of an “every once in a while” thing and more that they want me to sleep elsewhere every night and also not be there during the day.

I just don’t get it. We are all pretty similar, but like all roommates, we all have our fun little personalities. One is very studious and hard-working, one is very quiet and peaceful, one is very serious and hates pranks (actually they all claim to hate pranks), and I, well I am the lovable prankster of the group!

In every sitcom I have ever seen, there is one roommate who is just fun-loving and crazy and pulls elaborate and sometimes moderately illegal pranks. That guy is always my favorite character. So, I decided that I would be that guy in our house. My roommates all claimed that they did not want me to be the prankster because pranks were dumb and I already seemed “moderately insane and potentially dangerous”. But I know they were just jealous that I claimed this archetype first!

However, now that it has been a few months and I have pulled some absolutely classic pranks on these suckers, for some reason, they want me out. To help you see my side, though I am sure you are already on my side, I thought I would run through a few of my favourite pranks and how they overreacted and got way too angry. It’s just a prank bro, you can’t get mad.

Prank #1: Putting a live snake in the toilet
This one happened early in the year. Seeing as all my roommates are city kids, and I am more of a sexy country boy, I thought I would prank them with some wildlife. I grew up playing with snakes all the time. Many would say I was drawn to things that would kill me because I had no real friends and so I had nothing to lose. Truth is I just love snakes. So, I waited until they had all had their morning coffee, then dropped a snake in the toilet. It was a nice big one, but only moderately venomous. Well, they all flipped a shit. Said I was trying to kill them. They demanded I get the snake out and then went use the bathroom downstairs. Boy, they were even angrier when they found out I had put a rabid badger in that one.

Prank #2: Encased one roommate’s head in Jello
A lovable prankster who I am often inspired by is Jim from The Office. One of his classic pranks is putting Dwight’s stuff in Jello. I thought I would take it up a step, by encasing one of my roommates’ heads in Jello while they slept. Apparently, despite the fact that I pulled it off perfectly and they looked ridiculous, this prank was also “Not Funny.” Okay, so I forgot to leave air-holes so they could breathe, but we did CPR and they were technically dead for two and a half minutes. Not my fault. The prankster can’t think of everything, and it was still a classic, baby.

Prank #3: Dipping all of my roommates blunts in gasoline
Seeing as weed is legal here in Canada, my roommates thought they would celebrate with some joints that they had still bought from their drug dealer, because fuck the government, man. Well, I had other plans. Before they could light up, I discreetly dipped all of their joints in gasoline. When they went to light the blunt and take a toke, one of my roommates’ faces fully caught fire. It was hilarious. According to my kill-joy roommates though, it was not funny, and nor was refusing to help put out the fire and instead cooking marshmallows on my roommates’ face-fire. They are such babies. So, what? One guy has a mildly burned face and also, we all inhaled a lot of gasoline-smoke which is apparently super carcinogenic. They just don’t seem to realize that sometimes, in a prank-war, these things just happen. Definitely no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.

Prank #4: Replacing one of my roommates’ lube with super glue
Okay, maybe I can see how a line was crossed on this one. But we were all really into the prank war at this point, and I was not about to let anyone out-prank me. The best way to not let anyone out-prank you is to just constantly barrage them with pranks and never let them get a prank in edge-wise even if they claim they don’t want to pull any pranks and that they are not participating in any prank war. So I absolutely had to replace my roommate’s lube with super glue. He complains that due to this prank, 18% of his penis had to be surgically removed. I think he will look back on this and laugh though, when in a few years I bring up the picture of him stuck inside of his girlfriend at their wedding. Sure, he says there won’t be a wedding since she broke up with him because she claims he is friends with a maniacal, future serial-killer. I think she was just hysterical from having a penis super glued inside of her anus for 14 straight hours and then having to spend two weeks in hospital. I think she’ll probably take him back once she heals up. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hilarious though.

So, these are the best pranks I’ve pulled on these suckers. Still can’t believe they want me out, though. I mean, everyone loves the adorable and clever prankster. It’s just how it goes.

P.S. If you have a room available, give me a shout. You won’t regret it, I’m a lot of fun to have around.

P.P.S. I don’t know where you are, I don’t know who you are but by reading this, you have officially entered a prank war with me. It’s on.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.