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Fake News

I See Something in Your Past, Present, Future, or Not At All


Welcome. The mystical forces have brought you to me. Wait, not a word; the spirits will do the talking. I’m sensing from your white dress, veil, and bouquet—I mean from beyond the grave, I am sensing you were at a celebratory or sad event such as a bar-mitzvah, a funeral, a baby shower, a Halloween party—that would be a great costume—a graduation ceremony, a quinceanera—

What’s that? A wedding? Of course, now shh… the spirits were guiding me there. I know you have questions, but I have answers, so listen.

In your future, past, or present, there is, was, will be a wedding with a brunette, fair-haired, blonde, or red-headed man or woman, a person, who is causing you to feel a strong emotion, such as anger, sadness, happiness, jealousy, or fear. You met them through a friend, work event, driving through traffic, at Seven Eleven, church, somewhere on this earthly plane.

Their name starts with a consonant or a vowel. It is an Anglo, Latin, Arabic, Eastern-European, Native American or Asian name. It starts with an A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N—

Yes, I see you nodded in agreement—I mean my psychic premonitions confirmed it. This “N” person resonates an energy, a positive, negative, or neutral energy that will affect you positively, negatively, or neutrally. You will run into them in the next hour, day, month, year, decade or life.

What? You’re a runaway bride? Ahem, I mean the unearthly beings had informed me of that days ago.

My crystal ball’s murkiness means that you are clear or unclear about some aspect of your life in love, family, career, health, or spirituality. What? Of course, you’re a runaway bride!

I hear someone beckoning to you from the other side. Maybe they are your grandparents. Oh, the four of them are still alive, you say? Then, your great-grandparents or their ancestors or an unrelated spirit. Someone, who has now passed on to the other side calls on you. They are someone who is deceased, lifeless, beyond the grave, gone to a better place, not with us anymore, and pushing up daisies.

They have some type of opinion on this wedding. They died perhaps recently, years ago, a decade ago, a century ago, a millennia ago. I’m reading that they lived in a city, village, or town in a country on one of the continents. They call on you to say something important or not important, a warning, a blessing, a greeting, a goodbye, or a metaphor. You have no idea who this is? Well, it’s not my fault strange spirits are attracted to you.

I sense a pain or pleasure in you. It is a physical, spiritual or nonexistent pain. It resides somewhere in you, on you, or existentially elsewhere. Heartache? Why? Oh right, the wedding! My premonitions foresaw this.

You have a gift. You are good at confronting people, avoiding conflict, maintaining a positive attitude, being a realist, communicating, withholding pertinent information to yourself, being a team player, working alone, leadership, or following leadership. Yep, running away from your wedding would make you good at avoiding conflict.

You have come to me with a reason, a question. This question is about you or someone you know. Or it is about someone that someone you know knows. You seek the answer to this question or query, yes? My crystals inform me that the answer to your question is coming to me. What? You want to know if you should marry him? I mean… Ahhh… You want to know if you should marry him. It is a yes, no, or a maybe so.

Let me see your palms. Yes, these lines mean that you will have a long, short, average-sized lifespan, love life, or career. These other lines refer to the number of children you will have: one, two, three, four, five, or zero. You will have girls, boys, or nonexistent children with this fiance of yours or not. With certainty, they will be adopted, birthed by you, or not raised at all.

Unfortunately, the spirits are weakening as our fifteen minutes are up. If you would like to continue, then please pay another forty dollars for more time.

The spirits will gladly answer more of your questions.

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