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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019 My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser] Congressman Dean Koonce Appears in Black Face on Capitol Floor Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History Nation Celebrates MLK Day Little Shop Of Hey Now Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019 Getting Stuck in a Dance Circle 11 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown 5 Things To Know About Julián Castro Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner List: The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Redundancy Seeing Your Teacher in Public [Full Episode] The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing Democrats Counter-Proposal: Build a Wall Around Trump Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez DIY Face Masks That Heal Everything Except the Adolescent Damage From Claire Zabicky Playing Diablo Summons the Devil Bound by My Stepbrother Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings Despite Test Results Doctor No Idea What Wrong With You Yahoo! 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Fake News

I Plan to Do Great Work Today



I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…investigate that banging sound outside. Did my neighbor slam his car door, or is one of my kids trapped in the garage again?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tweet out an important question like, “WERE BERT AND ERNIE GAY?”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tally the votes from that last tweet, cross-tabulate the data, and tweet that out, too.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…blame my children for everything. During breakfast, Older Kid was screaming at Younger Kid, meaning Younger Kid had to scream back even louder—and meaning I had to scream louder than both of them just so they’d be quiet. Did Socrates have to deal with all this nonsense?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the porch for that package of pens I ordered. I wasn’t getting any work done, so I did some online shopping to make myself more productive.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…take the dog for a walk. He’s tired, because we’ve already been on seven walks this morning, but canine obesity is an epidemic in America.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…watch a TED Talk about avoiding procrastination and sticking to schedules and concentration and something else I can’t remember now because I wasn’t paying attention.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…click the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of the 17 emails I’ve gotten in the last 10 minutes. And then click “YES, I AM SURE” when they ask whether I’m sure about that.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the teenager’s phone for new Snapchat messages—or blips or quips or whatever they’re called—and then shake my head because, really, what the hell are kids talking about these days?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…dispute my cable bill in an online chat with a customer service representative in India—and then claim victory when “Brad” waives a small fee because I agreed to an 11-year contract extension.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wonder whether maybe a homeless person took my package of pens. Obviously, they need writing devices to make those signs that say, “HOUSE BURNED DOWN. CAR STOLEN. ANYTHING HELPS.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…answer the door, because someone was rude enough to ring the bell and then offer to “share a few principles from the Bible,” even though I have a sign that says “NO SOLICITING.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…complain about how strangers are always trying to sell me the Lord Jesus Christ or raise money to build solar-powered toilets in Djibouti. Don’t they know how busy I am?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…apply to live at a writer’s colony so I won’t be distracted by anything except other writers who aren’t writing anything.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…double-check the delivery date for those pens and then curse the glut of emails from the Pen People. First, it’s, “We’ve received your order.” Then, “We’re working on it.” Then, “So anyway, how are things going?” Then, “Here are some other things you might want to buy.” Then, “Good news! Your order is on the way.” But then, “Sorry, your order is delayed due to a blizzard in Tahiti.” Then finally, “Please disregard that last message. It was sent by a millennial who feels overqualified for a job.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…have another cup of coffee. Now that I think about it, that’s probably been my problem all day: I’ve been under-caffeinated.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…contribute to my public radio station. I was going to punish them for having another pledge drive, but then that stuff they said about “doing my part” really got to me.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check Instagram to see if that guy posted more dumb pictures of that thing he thinks is cool—while also checking to see whether anyone liked that cool picture I posted.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wait, is that a knock at the door? Is that what I think it is? It is! My package, my package!

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…get some time. The kids will be home soon. Maybe I’ll do great work tomorrow.

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