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NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert A Teacher's Assistant of Sorts Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize Unattractive Man Not Fooling Anyone By Dressing Well The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 12, 2018 Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman I Am A Funny, Funny Book in A Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece DMs to a Young Influencer In Honor of Veteran’s Day… A Serious Note from SatireWorld | You make the news…We report it! Should Dunkin’ Donuts End Its Promotion With The NFL That Gives Fans One Free Medium Coffee For Every First Down? Cowboy Ex- Quarterback Tony Romo on Whether He Misses Jessica Simpson Kemp pushes Abrams to concede in Georgia gubernatorial race Neophyte Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sends a Text Message House Republicans Look Forward To Leaving "All This Unpleasantness" Behind A Full Body Cast Fruit Beasts vs. Veggie Monsters Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children Royal Baby Watch! Harry And Meghan Just Carved A Hole In The Side Of The PODS Container Where They Live Through Which Meghan Will Give Birth Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 Buy Partisan Is Cindy Gruden Worth More Than The 7th-Round Pick Jon Gruden Traded Her For? Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest Now That the House Is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices Top 10 Positive Things Trump Did for Americans on Nov. 6th City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers The 10 Chillest Bros To Have In Your Squad Michelle Obama Admits Barack Had Way Too Much Sperm To Make Natural Conception Possible 5 Simple Phrases You Can Use To Act Like You Understand Current Events Tips For Ending A Friendship What's Your Worst Drunken Disaster? Ruth Bader Bar Brawl? Ginsburg Admits Injuries Occurred During Raucous Bar Fight He Was The Darling Of The Festival Circuit. He Dominated Awards Season. He Had One Of The Biggest Production Companies In The World. Why One Man Decided To Walk Away From It All Trump saved female intern from Acosta sex attack claims Sarah Sanders Long-Shot Candidate Proposes Four Ball Legislation to Counter Unfair Three Strikes Law Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing Obvious Election Fraud Committed in New Mexico… by a County (a Satireworld Editorial) I Plan to Do Great Work Today Buzz Aldrin Has Announced That He Forgot To Tell Anyone He Saw A Fox On The Moon Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive Uber Driver Wants You To Know That Lots Of Mexicans Live In This Neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall Active Shooter Defeats Democratic Challenger in Mississippi Governor's Race Benefits Of Keeping A Journal Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital Frustrated Nursing Student Unable To Draw Blood Without Draining Entire Body Red Sox Take Out Full-Page Ad In ‘New York Times’ Reminding City They Won World Series Chris Collins Thanks Supporters With Can't-Miss Tip On Biotech Stock Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him ‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations Sick Parent Offers Man Perfect Excuse To Move Back Home And Give Up Dreams ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens Peter Pevensie & Kanto Clones It’s Me, the Piece of Bread That Nobody Wants: Let’s Talk Wealth Of America’s 3 Richest Families Grew By 6,000% Since 1982 Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election Report Finds J. Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ Will Outlast You And All That You Create In This Life More Prisons Now Encouraging Inmates To Explore Their Creativity By Designing Own Method Of Execution More Prisons Now Encouraging Inmates To Explore Their Creativity By Designing Own Method Of Execution Prankster Secretary Of State Just Kidding About Polls Being Hacked Upcoming ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Expansion Allows Players To Experience Story From Horse’s Perspective Upcoming ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Expansion Allows Players To Experience Story From Horse’s Perspective Sessions: ‘I Am Proud To Have Served White America’ Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz Pulling a Con on the People by Attacking Public Assets Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind Pistachio-Eating Man Achieves ‘Flow’ State Democrats Win House How the Hell Did the Hot Guy Lose? Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms

Fake News

I Plan to Do Great Work Today



I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…investigate that banging sound outside. Did my neighbor slam his car door, or is one of my kids trapped in the garage again?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tweet out an important question like, “WERE BERT AND ERNIE GAY?”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tally the votes from that last tweet, cross-tabulate the data, and tweet that out, too.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…blame my children for everything. During breakfast, Older Kid was screaming at Younger Kid, meaning Younger Kid had to scream back even louder—and meaning I had to scream louder than both of them just so they’d be quiet. Did Socrates have to deal with all this nonsense?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the porch for that package of pens I ordered. I wasn’t getting any work done, so I did some online shopping to make myself more productive.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…take the dog for a walk. He’s tired, because we’ve already been on seven walks this morning, but canine obesity is an epidemic in America.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…watch a TED Talk about avoiding procrastination and sticking to schedules and concentration and something else I can’t remember now because I wasn’t paying attention.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…click the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of the 17 emails I’ve gotten in the last 10 minutes. And then click “YES, I AM SURE” when they ask whether I’m sure about that.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the teenager’s phone for new Snapchat messages—or blips or quips or whatever they’re called—and then shake my head because, really, what the hell are kids talking about these days?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…dispute my cable bill in an online chat with a customer service representative in India—and then claim victory when “Brad” waives a small fee because I agreed to an 11-year contract extension.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wonder whether maybe a homeless person took my package of pens. Obviously, they need writing devices to make those signs that say, “HOUSE BURNED DOWN. CAR STOLEN. ANYTHING HELPS.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…answer the door, because someone was rude enough to ring the bell and then offer to “share a few principles from the Bible,” even though I have a sign that says “NO SOLICITING.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…complain about how strangers are always trying to sell me the Lord Jesus Christ or raise money to build solar-powered toilets in Djibouti. Don’t they know how busy I am?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…apply to live at a writer’s colony so I won’t be distracted by anything except other writers who aren’t writing anything.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…double-check the delivery date for those pens and then curse the glut of emails from the Pen People. First, it’s, “We’ve received your order.” Then, “We’re working on it.” Then, “So anyway, how are things going?” Then, “Here are some other things you might want to buy.” Then, “Good news! Your order is on the way.” But then, “Sorry, your order is delayed due to a blizzard in Tahiti.” Then finally, “Please disregard that last message. It was sent by a millennial who feels overqualified for a job.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…have another cup of coffee. Now that I think about it, that’s probably been my problem all day: I’ve been under-caffeinated.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…contribute to my public radio station. I was going to punish them for having another pledge drive, but then that stuff they said about “doing my part” really got to me.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check Instagram to see if that guy posted more dumb pictures of that thing he thinks is cool—while also checking to see whether anyone liked that cool picture I posted.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wait, is that a knock at the door? Is that what I think it is? It is! My package, my package!

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…get some time. The kids will be home soon. Maybe I’ll do great work tomorrow.

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