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Fake News

I Plan to Do Great Work Today


I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…investigate that banging sound outside. Did my neighbor slam his car door, or is one of my kids trapped in the garage again?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tweet out an important question like, “WERE BERT AND ERNIE GAY?”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…tally the votes from that last tweet, cross-tabulate the data, and tweet that out, too.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…blame my children for everything. During breakfast, Older Kid was screaming at Younger Kid, meaning Younger Kid had to scream back even louder—and meaning I had to scream louder than both of them just so they’d be quiet. Did Socrates have to deal with all this nonsense?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the porch for that package of pens I ordered. I wasn’t getting any work done, so I did some online shopping to make myself more productive.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…take the dog for a walk. He’s tired, because we’ve already been on seven walks this morning, but canine obesity is an epidemic in America.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…watch a TED Talk about avoiding procrastination and sticking to schedules and concentration and something else I can’t remember now because I wasn’t paying attention.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…click the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of the 17 emails I’ve gotten in the last 10 minutes. And then click “YES, I AM SURE” when they ask whether I’m sure about that.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check the teenager’s phone for new Snapchat messages—or blips or quips or whatever they’re called—and then shake my head because, really, what the hell are kids talking about these days?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…dispute my cable bill in an online chat with a customer service representative in India—and then claim victory when “Brad” waives a small fee because I agreed to an 11-year contract extension.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wonder whether maybe a homeless person took my package of pens. Obviously, they need writing devices to make those signs that say, “HOUSE BURNED DOWN. CAR STOLEN. ANYTHING HELPS.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…answer the door, because someone was rude enough to ring the bell and then offer to “share a few principles from the Bible,” even though I have a sign that says “NO SOLICITING.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…complain about how strangers are always trying to sell me the Lord Jesus Christ or raise money to build solar-powered toilets in Djibouti. Don’t they know how busy I am?

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…apply to live at a writer’s colony so I won’t be distracted by anything except other writers who aren’t writing anything.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…double-check the delivery date for those pens and then curse the glut of emails from the Pen People. First, it’s, “We’ve received your order.” Then, “We’re working on it.” Then, “So anyway, how are things going?” Then, “Here are some other things you might want to buy.” Then, “Good news! Your order is on the way.” But then, “Sorry, your order is delayed due to a blizzard in Tahiti.” Then finally, “Please disregard that last message. It was sent by a millennial who feels overqualified for a job.”

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…have another cup of coffee. Now that I think about it, that’s probably been my problem all day: I’ve been under-caffeinated.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…contribute to my public radio station. I was going to punish them for having another pledge drive, but then that stuff they said about “doing my part” really got to me.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…check Instagram to see if that guy posted more dumb pictures of that thing he thinks is cool—while also checking to see whether anyone liked that cool picture I posted.

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…wait, is that a knock at the door? Is that what I think it is? It is! My package, my package!

I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I…

…get some time. The kids will be home soon. Maybe I’ll do great work tomorrow.

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