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Fake News

I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow

Kevin Pagonis

Look, I’m the last person to blindly glom onto whatever hot new lifestyle trend is popular at the moment, but this time is different. I’ve just discovered something that’s so transformative, so revolutionary, I can’t imagine how I ever lived without it. Trust me, this is no gimmick. I’m talking about socks, and now that I’m finally in the know, all I can say is, WOW!

These things are the real deal, folks.

The idea is simple, but genius. You know how you wear different clothes on different parts of your body? Well, socks are basically an article of clothing made just for feet! But wait, it gets better. With socks, when it’s cold out, your feet stay warm. And when they get sweaty, the socks absorb the perspiration so it doesn’t get all soaked into your shoe. You put them on, and it’s, like, bam, you’re suddenly transported to this whole new world of comfort and coziness. I mean, who would’ve thought such a little piece of woven fabric could be so life-changing?

If you’re a bit skeptical right now, don’t worry. I was too when my friend first told me about socks during our pickup basketball game last week. I was like, “What? Gloves for your feet? That seems…uncomfortable.” I’m ashamed to say it, but at the time I laughed dismissively and told him he could go enjoy his little foot mittens without me. Seriously, a small fabric tube just for decorating your feet? What was I supposed to think? But he kept badgering me to try on a pair, so I eventually gave in and decided to humor him.

And oh boy, am I sure glad I did.

It’s like my toes were reborn! If only I’d learned about socks years ago, it could’ve saved me a lot of hassle dealing with the blisters, foot odor, and calluses that plague me almost constantly. There are loads of other benefits too. For instance, now that I’ve incorporated socks into my daily routine, I don’t have to spend so much time bundling up my feet in plastic wrap anymore, which gets me out the door and off to work much quicker in the morning.

Actually, when you think about it, a small fabric sleeve that clings to your foot is really the perfect invention. By creating a soft barrier between skin and shoe, socks offer just the right amount of protection without limiting mobility. Incredibly, they’re also designed in such a way to conform to the exact shape of the foot and ankle. Pure brilliance, if you ask me.

But a note of caution: There’s definitely a learning curve. First, you have to make sure to pull up so the toes go all the way to the very end. Also, always double-check to make sure you’re not putting them on over your shoes. I made that mistake at first. It gets easier with practice, though. Soon enough, you’ll be over the urge to look at them every few steps and barely even notice they’re there.

And once you get the basics down, there’s a whole universe to explore. You can get long, thick socks for when it’s cold out, or smaller ones for when you’re wearing shorts. You can get white ones with a gray heel or dark blue ones with polka dots. And get this: You buy them according to your shoe size, which is pretty clever, since the two almost always correlate.

They truly thought of everything!

“That’s great,” you’re probably thinking. “Socks sound wonderful, but they must cost thousands of dollars.” Well, guess what? They’re only a few bucks, and every time you buy a sock for one foot, it usually comes with a second one for the other! You can even throw them in the laundry just like any other piece of clothing. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth.

What is crazy is now that I’ve started wearing them, I’m seeing socks everywhere. Adults, teenagers—even babies seem to have gotten in on the trend. Personally, I now have an entire drawer in my bedroom just devoted to socks, which is convenient since I tend to put my socks on first thing in the morning and take them off before I go to sleep. But that’s just me. The beauty of socks is that you can wear them whenever you want.

Except while clipping your toenails. I learned that the hard way.

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