Homepage / Fake News / I Hunted the Most Dangerous Game: The Animatronic Creatures at The Rainforest Cafe
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir

Fake News

I Hunted the Most Dangerous Game: The Animatronic Creatures at The Rainforest Cafe

Like most divorced men in their 40s who were recently kicked out of their apartment after losing a game of hoops to their 73-year-old landlord (I got Uncle Drew’d), I eat a lot of my meals alone at my local Rainforest Cafe.

One day, after intentionally moving the table so that the server bringing my Amazon Corn Chowder would spill it all over me and I’d be comped a free meal (my genitals are already ruined, so a few more burns don’t matter), the restaurant’s simulated thunderstorm started up. Anyone who has ever spent three hours reading over their divorce papers in a Rainforest Cafe knows these occur three times an hour and the animals create a ruckus. No matter how loudly you yell at these robotic affronts to God to shut the hell up, they do not stop; they obey no man.

So I got to thinking; someone should destroy these things, and why not me? I pulled on the pair of camo shorts with the biggest cargo pockets I own, took some of my son’s ADHD medicine, and started planning out how I could kill these unholy creations.

When hunting the animatronics in the Rainforest Cafe, the most important thing to remember is that the only difference between you and them is your functions. They are machines built to create ambiance in a novelty restaurant. You are a machine built to kill those other machines in such a way that your ex-wife hears about it and is so impressed that she lets you crash on her and her new husband’s couch because you no longer have a place to live.

Thus, before the hunt began, I spent several weeks trying to get into the mindset of my prey by posing as an animatronic next to them. Unfortunately, every time I tried to impersonate a robot, it made a child cry (just eat your Python Pasta and shut the hell up, dude) and an employee would inevitably ask me to leave.

Though I was not able to prepare as much as I would have hoped, I armed myself with nothing but my fists (and the pair of brass knuckles my older brother gave me when I was 14) and hid in a bin of stuffed animals in the gift shop. Once the store closed and the lights went out, my killer instincts went on.

I was a bit nervous, especially because I already had 2 strikes against me with the mall security guard (the way I conducted myself in Lids on two separate occasions was regrettable, to say the least). Still, I crawled across the floor that was somehow simultaneously sticky and greasy, and sprung up on the gorilla. I gave it a few punches, but I hadn’t realized how strong the metal inside that dense gorilla is, and I hurt my right hand pretty badly (which is the hand I use to brush a lady’s hair over her ear while we make-out. I hadn’t done so in a while, but I’d been thinking about the possibility of potentially entertaining the notion of maybe getting back into dating, so there was no way I could risk further damage.) Ultimately, I decided that the gorilla was actually a very important part of the ecosystem, and let him live, and that choice had nothing to do with my inability to damage it.

Following my brave decision to spare the gorilla’s life, I crept silently through the shadows to sneak up on the horrific animatronic face that was encased in the restaurant’s fake tree. I was about to yank off all the rubber that covered up it’s robotic interior, when I realized there was something kind of…sexy about it. Like any other hunter in my situation, I allowed Cupid to strike me with his arrow and had a forty-five minute, adrenaline fueled make-out session with the animatronic face inside the fake tree at the Rainforest Cafe. (I even used my right hand to brush some of its leaves over its branches.)

Unfortunately, the night was cut short when I got electrocuted trying to take down the alligator in the wishing well. I was easily able to pry the top of its mouth off its body, but standing in water while ripping apart something that had an electric current running through it wasn’t the wisest choice I made that night. I was fried like my favorite Rainforest Cafe dish, the Caribbean Coconut Shrimp (which, as we all know, is served with a side of coleslaw, mango sauce, and I usually opt for the Safari Fries as my choice of side).

Anyway, when I woke up, I found out that I had been in a coma for 11 months and the Rainforest Cafe had banned me from all their locations worldwide.

A lot of people will call into question whether or not attacking robots in a theme restaurant can be considered a sport. It’s true, that animatronics are not technically alive; the best they can do to defend themselves is move their arms slowly up and down and, maybe if they’re one of the newer models, blink. But I’ve been in my fair share of fights, and I can tell you that moving your arms slowly up and down and blinking is 90% of the battle.

Though I can never eat at my favorite restaurant again, I nearly died, and I racked up medical bills so high that I’ve been considering faking my own death to avoid paying it, I don’t regret a thing. I knew the risks before I started. That’s why they call the animatronics at the Rainforest Cafe the most dangerous game.

Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.