Homepage / Fake News / I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft

Fake News

I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast

I’m lucky to be so passionate about what I do. Some might call it a curse, but I prefer to think of it as a blessing. To me, work isn’t just a job; it’s my one true calling in life. And sure, there are aspects of it that get me down from time to time, but positive thinking always gets me through, because I know that at the end of the day, everything that I do isn’t just a waste of time with no sense of purpose or meaning, but rather a series of grand conjurations intended to invoke the eventual coming of the beast.

I mean, I didn’t just become our go-to guy for all of the wetland restoration projects that we’ve recently acquired because I don’t care about how many more seasons in the abyss the beast might be forced to spend against his infernal will. As far as I’m concerned, wetland restoration isn’t just about improving water quality so that various forms of aquatic life may thrive; it’s about creating a clean, oxygen-rich bottomless pit so that one day that seven-headed behemoth might emerge from its depths and enslave us all.

And while we’re on the topic of the health of the world’s water bodies, nothing makes my heart weep more than the ecological atrocities wrought by algal blooms and red tides. That’s because when the beast finally rises up from out of the sea, I want to see his ten horns dripping red with the blood of the innocent, not dripping red with the harmful toxins and colorful photosynthetic pigments of various nutrient-feeding dinoflagellates. Sure, I get an amazing sense of work satisfaction by helping the world go to hell, but all that phytoplankton crap is just straight-up bullshit.

Maybe it goes without saying, but I give every project my full and utmost attention when I’m on the team, which also means that I utterly subvert it to suit my own perverse, ulterior motives. How else could that new, award-winning, climate-smart brownfield redevelopment project have been engineered to not only withstand the potential damage inflicted by the next devastating storm, but also the ungodly weight of a gargantuan leopard-bear-lion that’s dripping wet with water so pure that you could slurp it up right off his ghastly mane? Because believe me, it takes a lot more than just your standard concrete pavement detail to resist the gravitational impact of the soaked and soggy harbinger of Armageddon. That’s what those of us in the business call “planning for a resilient future.”

And don’t even get me started on the Tree of Heaven. Not only is Ailanthus altissim completely antithetical to my passion’s nature in both name and essence, it’s also non-native and invasive as all get-out. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask any horticulturalist—good or evil—and you’ll receive an earful about all the wrong sorts of damnation that misbegotten weed has inflicted on countless ecological restoration projects across the entire nation. That’s why I always suggest Hemerocallis ‘Satan’s Fire’ and Crocosmia ‘Lucifer’ instead. Not only will those beauties give your latest and greatest remediation effort a little splash of color in the summer months, they’ll also provide some beneficial habitat value to local bee populations and help the beast feel welcomed when he finally lumbers ashore wearing the name of blasphemy upon his many obscene heads.

But I didn’t just get into this line of work to limit myself to solely engaging with it during the standard 9-5 business hours. My passion burns brightly every minute of the day—24/7, just as it should in this apocalyptic century. Work life, personal life, digital absence-of-life—whatever it is, the beast’s got my number. But I’ve also got his. And I think you know what it is. It’s 666, and it’s the one for you and me.

Or, at least that’s what his number is for now. It’s really only just a matter of time before he finally joins LinkedIn.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.