Homepage / Fake News / I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast



I’m lucky to be so passionate about what I do. Some might call it a curse, but I prefer to think of it as a blessing. To me, work isn’t just a job; it’s my one true calling in life. And sure, there are aspects of it that get me down from time to time, but positive thinking always gets me through, because I know that at the end of the day, everything that I do isn’t just a waste of time with no sense of purpose or meaning, but rather a series of grand conjurations intended to invoke the eventual coming of the beast.

I mean, I didn’t just become our go-to guy for all of the wetland restoration projects that we’ve recently acquired because I don’t care about how many more seasons in the abyss the beast might be forced to spend against his infernal will. As far as I’m concerned, wetland restoration isn’t just about improving water quality so that various forms of aquatic life may thrive; it’s about creating a clean, oxygen-rich bottomless pit so that one day that seven-headed behemoth might emerge from its depths and enslave us all.

And while we’re on the topic of the health of the world’s water bodies, nothing makes my heart weep more than the ecological atrocities wrought by algal blooms and red tides. That’s because when the beast finally rises up from out of the sea, I want to see his ten horns dripping red with the blood of the innocent, not dripping red with the harmful toxins and colorful photosynthetic pigments of various nutrient-feeding dinoflagellates. Sure, I get an amazing sense of work satisfaction by helping the world go to hell, but all that phytoplankton crap is just straight-up bullshit.

Maybe it goes without saying, but I give every project my full and utmost attention when I’m on the team, which also means that I utterly subvert it to suit my own perverse, ulterior motives. How else could that new, award-winning, climate-smart brownfield redevelopment project have been engineered to not only withstand the potential damage inflicted by the next devastating storm, but also the ungodly weight of a gargantuan leopard-bear-lion that’s dripping wet with water so pure that you could slurp it up right off his ghastly mane? Because believe me, it takes a lot more than just your standard concrete pavement detail to resist the gravitational impact of the soaked and soggy harbinger of Armageddon. That’s what those of us in the business call “planning for a resilient future.”

And don’t even get me started on the Tree of Heaven. Not only is Ailanthus altissim completely antithetical to my passion’s nature in both name and essence, it’s also non-native and invasive as all get-out. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask any horticulturalist—good or evil—and you’ll receive an earful about all the wrong sorts of damnation that misbegotten weed has inflicted on countless ecological restoration projects across the entire nation. That’s why I always suggest Hemerocallis ‘Satan’s Fire’ and Crocosmia ‘Lucifer’ instead. Not only will those beauties give your latest and greatest remediation effort a little splash of color in the summer months, they’ll also provide some beneficial habitat value to local bee populations and help the beast feel welcomed when he finally lumbers ashore wearing the name of blasphemy upon his many obscene heads.

But I didn’t just get into this line of work to limit myself to solely engaging with it during the standard 9-5 business hours. My passion burns brightly every minute of the day—24/7, just as it should in this apocalyptic century. Work life, personal life, digital absence-of-life—whatever it is, the beast’s got my number. But I’ve also got his. And I think you know what it is. It’s 666, and it’s the one for you and me.

Or, at least that’s what his number is for now. It’s really only just a matter of time before he finally joins LinkedIn.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish