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Fake News

I Have a Guy for Everything



I’ve got a “guy” for everything. I won’t let some “professional” overcharge me for their services. I’ve always got a friend who will cut me a better deal. Those are my “guys.”

If my car breaks down, I’ve got a guy who’s a great mechanic. He’s always willing to hook me up with cheap repairs. Or if my computer dies, I’ve got a guy who works at a computer store, and they don’t lock their computers up very well.

If I have a problem with my toilet or shower, I’ve got another guy who’s a great plumber. He’ll get me fixed up for free, not a single penny out of my pocket. All I have to do is keep promising to do his taxes next year.

I’ve got a guy who’s an exterminator—he always hooks me up with a discount when I need to have my house fumigated for pests, or someone else’s house fumigated as a joke.

If I have a medical issue, I’ve got a guy in the medical field and he can usually tell me what the prognosis is. If the prognosis is embarrassing, I’ve got another guy who will intimidate people with violence for money, even a doctor.

Or say one of my pets gets really sick, I’ve got a veterinarian guy who will treat them at absolutely no cost at all, I guess because the alternative is pretty grim…

I should say, “guy” isn’t a gendered term here. Some of my guys are girls. My guy who beats people up for money is a girl, for example. And if that surprises you then you need to do some serious reflecting.

I even have a guy for legal advice. If I’m not sure if something I’m about to do is legal or not, I can call up my guy who’s a lawyer and he’ll tell me, “No, that’s not legal” or, “Yes, that’s legal.” And he won’t even charge me for that!

And speaking of legal trouble, I even have a guy who can help me make parking tickets go away. If I get one I just take it to him, toss him a couple bucks, and he lets me use his paper shredder. That guy has been really useful in the past but I haven’t been doing much driving lately because the state of New York put a boot on my car.

One of my most useful guys lives right next door—he’s a carpenter. If you need a roof fixed or some siding put up or a deck built, he’s a master at that stuff, and he’s always willing to give a great bargain. Anyway, I’m stealing his cable.

I drink cheap, too! I’ve got a really generous guy who works as a bartender and he’ll usually pour me a few rounds for free, after I’ve encouraged him to have 7 or 8 himself.

If I really want to party, I’ve got a guy who works the door at a great nightclub in town and he lets me in without paying the cover, or else I’ll tell everyone what he “did.” I don’t really know what he did, but it must be really bad.

$30 for a haircut? No way. I’ve got a guy who will do it for half that price, although he’ll only cut the hair on half my head. That’s my worst guy, I think.

I’m grateful to have so many friends in my life willing to hook me up and cut me such great deals, but sometimes I feel bad that I can’t be anyone else’s “guy.” I don’t have any real skills so I don’t have any services to offer. So the best I can do is just be a really good friend, and to always be available to listen if someone needs to talk. My rates for that are pretty steep, but I really can’t afford to give any handouts right now.


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