Homepage / Fake News / I Had My Face Torn Off By a Bear and Lived to Write This Op-Ed About Vaccination
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Fake News

I Had My Face Torn Off By a Bear and Lived to Write This Op-Ed About Vaccination



If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that you can’t buy the insight experience gives you. I certainly held on to that fact when I was crawling through Yellowstone National Park after having my face torn off by a grizzly bear.

And in the course of the surgeries I’ve undertaken to reattach my face after I miraculously crawled twelve miles and then drove to an emergency room, I’ve realized something. It’s utterly immoral for the government to mandate that we give our kids vaccines that almost certainly give them autism. I know I certainly didn’t fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.

You might say that vaccines save kids lives, and you may be scared that without vaccinations our kids may catch smallpox or another horrible disease. But are you as scared as I was when that bear tore off my face while I was hiking? I don’t think so. I was pretty scared. Not nearly as scared as I am at the thought of beautiful bouncing babies the world over being poked with needles by malicious doctors with cruel intentions, but scared nonetheless.

Before all this happened, back when I had my old face, I was probably just like you. Blithely unaware of the pointy dangers facing our children today. But that was a pre-un-faced world my friends, and a lot has changed for me.

You hear lots of stories about people who have their face torn off by bears. Look it up. For some reason, bears go right for the face. So I only hope that other people with similarly graphic, stretched out faces have had the lightbulb moment I did, and that we can all band together, face by face, to put an end to this madness.

People have asked me, “if you think vaccination is so bad, would you want the bear that tore off your face to be vaccinated?” And to that I generously said, “no. I wouldn’t even wish that fate on the bear that tore off my face.” And to that everyone else said, “I think we’re going to back out of this conversation.” A huge win for the cause.

Listen, some things are just true about the world. Global warming isn’t real. Vaccines cause autism. I survived having my face torn off by a bear. You can’t dispute these things. And if you try, you’re no more useful to this country then someone’s torn off face, flapping in the wind.

Believe me, I should know. My face was torn off by a bear.

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