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Fake News

I Dated a Vampire and It Sucked


While movies like Twilight romanticize vampires as tall, powerful, bad boys with distinctive jawlines and piercing eyes, my vampire ex-boyfriend was short, schlubby, boring, and could barely open a pickle jar.

After endlessly fantasizing about Edward Cullen, I just expected more from Seth the British vampire than mediocre movie dates and a sexless relationship. Every time we were about to get intimate, he would make up some lame excuse like “sex was too dangerous, he might lose control” or “I will literally kill you.” Way to make a turn-on into a turn-off!

Sure, he sucks blood, which is okay, but that was his entire diet. I had to say goodbye to alcohol and coffee on dates, since they made him sick. We could never eat out together after he almost killed a waiter at my favorite Benihana.

Also, his skin burned whenever sun light touches it, so good no more sunbathing, volleyball, waterparks, beach days, or day dates at all! We went on vacation to Thailand and he spent every day in the room. I finally convinced him to explore the wonders of Pattaya, but he covered his entire body with scarves and bed sheets. It was super embarrassing!

People think that dating someone with super-heightened senses would be amazing, but it wasn’t. Seth eavesdropped on every single one of my phone conversations. I was literally miles away from him and trying to plan his surprise 800th birthday party, and he overheard me whispering. I was whispering! We could never go to concerts, because all the lights, people, and loud sounds gave him a “headache” and “bloodlust.”

He ruined Coachella 2018 for me. After spending three-hundred dollars on each of our tickets, we had to leave after he killed a few people.

Since Seth is over 800 years old, his vocabulary is over 800 years old. He speaks in middle English, and I could never for the life of me understand him. Throughout the year and a half that we dated, I constantly carried a heavy, middle-English dictionary. And There is no Middle English classes, since it is essentially a dead language. He frequently used words like “dooth” and “swete,” and I still have no idea what they mean.

Also, his fashion is from the thirteenth century, so he always wears beige-colored tunics. I bought him a tux for my sorority invite, yet he still managed to show up in that frustrating tunic. Everyone thought he was a monk.

Recently, my sister got married in a church, and I brought Seth as my plus one. He would not step foot inside. He kept claiming he was going to “burn alive,” and okay, that might be true, but he was super dramatic about it. I didn’t know a vampire could be such an annoying whiner. I had to cover for him and tell my family that he wasn’t feeling well.

This might sound petty, but the last straw for me was cooking. I love cooking with garlic. But Seth consistently refused to eat my food and makes loud sharp hissing noises whenever he smells my parmesan garlic fries. I get you can’t eat them, but don’t be a dick about me eating garlic! He threw all my and my roommates’ garlic out of our apartment window. And he refuses to step foot into any restaurant that has garlic in their kitchen. Which is honestly everywhere!

Save yourself the trouble and leave dating a vampire as a fantasy, which is where it belongs.

Sadly Disappointed,
A former Twilight fan

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