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Fake News

I am Unemployed and My Girlfriend is Starting to Notice

Well here you are, 31 years old, living with the love of your life, and you’re so unemployed it hurts. Don’t worry, you’ve got interviews lined up, right?


Oh, well at least you’re applying to jobs all day everyday, right?

Also no?

Perfect. What you’re doing is what you’ve always done: sitting around until the very last minute then panicking before your life falls apart.

Prior to your life taking a turn into homelessness and despair, you have to at least pretend that you’re being productive for the sake of your loved one though. If she leaves you, you might as well hang it up—there is no scenario in which you survive without her.

Here are a few ways to give off the illusion that you’re trying much harder than you actually are.

Your girlfriend works from home, which means you must wake up when she wakes up. DO NOT SLEEP IN. If she’s at work and you’re in the bedroom sleeping (masturbating), it will wear on her patience, so when the alarm goes off at 8am, get your stupid ass out of bed. A good way to kill time in the morning is a nice long shower to help plan your day (masturbate).

Tell her you need to get your thoughts together and game-plan a strategy for the day. She won’t believe you, but at least you’re not still in bed sleeping (masturbating).

After the shower you’re going to want to surf the web—this is natural and totally doable as long as you keep your head on a swivel. Don’t just sit there like some dipshit laughing at memes and poking your friends. Be sure to have a few tabs open: one for Facebook/Twitter/whatever, and one that makes it look like you’re on the job hunt. I prefer Monster.com, mainly for the name recognition—everyone knows Monster.com equals job hunt. This way when your lady decides to walk over to see how you’re doing (check to make sure you’re actually looking for a job) you can switch tabs just in the knick of time.

Also, be sure to randomly mutter things under your breath loud enough for her to hear. A couple of my favorites are “the job market sure is brutal out there,” or the timeless classic “hard to believe I’m over-qualified for most of these positions.” Letting her “overhear” these statements will allow her to continue believing the lie that you are a catch.

Once you’ve blasted all applicable job openings with your new and improved resume (read every article explaining that 9/11 was an inside job), it’s time to prove some worth. Do something tangible, something she can see: maybe whip together a meal, do some laundry, or clean the kitchen, BUT DO NOT OFFER TO DO ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES SPENDING MONEY.

The grocery store is a great example: do not offer to “pick up some groceries for dinner”—groceries require money, the exact thing you are currently not earning. It will seem like a nice gesture until you sheepishly ask to use her credit card, which will only remind her that she’s dating a 31-year-old 7th grader.

Instead, do free things around the house: the dishes, rubbing her back, sweeping the floor—all of these things are free and more importantly, free. Once you’ve completed a few of these tasks it will be time for her to get off of work, and boom, just like that, you’ve had a deceptively productive day.

If all else fails, go down on her, constantly and without warning, I mean it, literally every day—if you dive face first into the abyss daily, she probably won’t even notice you’re unemployed. And hey, maybe she could eventually start paying you for that service.

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